Moments Suspended In Time

The Missing Smile

2010-07-09T10:18:00.002+10:00

It's difficult to remain calm some days.

The medication is helping but it also numbs me, it's odd not feeling as deeply as I always have. I wonder if I have betrayed myself, taken away my personality and the elements that make me who I am.

But the damaging lows were more frequent than the soaring highs and that could never be sustainable.

I lost my job yesterday, unexpectedly and that was a blow to my ego. I guess there is never a good time to lose your job but this is a particuarly difficult month financially.

So right now I'm just swimming along through each day...existing. Apparently the fog will clear but all I want right now is to feel again...

It's A Leap...

2010-06-17T20:22:00.002+10:00

It's a leap of faith to bring myself back to blogging...to not feel like I'm 'back' to where it all began because I have failed but to objectively view it as a path amongst many to be chosen from in life's journey.

But as it has always gone...I need to write...so I find myself back here where I always had the most release.

I've been away for two years...I wonder who is still around in this beautiful little community I loved?

More to follow as I need to write but for now...I'm glad to be back.

A Beautiful Thing...

2008-07-04T17:00:00.004+10:00

I am ending this blog here.

My life is just so full of beautiful things that I am so grateful for and it's time to put to rest the ghosts of the past.

When we write in this public forum we open ourselves up for criticism...we discover support in funny places...all of this for myself but overwhelmingly the opportunity to get all these feelings and emotions out.

In doing this I allowed myself to work through different stages of my life...through Q and the affair...through leaving H and us eventually realising that we married for completely the wrong reasons and it would have never worked...ups and downs with my business...surviving breast cancer.

I am just in such a different place in my life than I was three years ago when I started this blog...I am happy now...I feel fulfilled and I look forward to what the future brings with M and myself and our children...to us buying a house together and one day getting married barefoot on a beach somewhere.

I never knew it was possible to love someone like I do with him...such a passionate and fierce love where you can't imagine a life without them by your side...where the love you share with them is so grounded in reality that you simply know you will be with that person forever.

After so long of being lost...and feeling drowned by my lack of direction...of making decisions that, although they were right at the time and served a purpose, they were not how I was going to spend the rest of my life.

That is all over...I have reached that place in my life where the pieces of my particular puzzle have fallen into place and I couldn't be happier.

I have regrets and I have made mistakes but I choose to learn from them and not let them define me as a person.

H and I both had affairs, we talk about how we wish we had never married each other, how we shouldn't have bowed to the pressure from his family. Years on we can see there was never anything there, that marrying someone because you have a child together is never a recipe for success. Our conversations reveal how much we have learnt about ourselves as individuals from a failed marriage, with time we can see this more clearly.

M is my soulmate, I can not even fathom being with anyone else...what we share is just light years away from what my marriage was...what the affair was...what I had with either my husband or my lover.

I think I have just grown up all of a sudden...and the mistakes of my past enable me to see what I have now, for what it is.

And that is a beautiful thing.

Weekends for Girls and Boys...

2008-06-21T10:11:00.003+10:00

M has gone away for a boys weekend hours away on the border of another state...lots of drinking and paintball.

What does one do in the absence of both children and one beloved M?

Girls night at my new place of course!

As I write this I am finishing off the lasagne, the bottles of bubbles are chilling in the fridge and I'm off to the hairdresser to lose the blonde for winter.

This is going to be one hell of a night...Holiday Girl is coming...she has her first date tomorrow since she left her husband so we will spend the night being hopeless girls and going over every detail of it...lol.

As we do.

Tomorrow this shall be from the House of Fun...with hungover love :)

So Very Sated...

2008-06-09T22:19:00.003+10:00

I walked into the living room, my dressing gown wrapped snugly around me...it's winter time here and the nights are c-o-l-d...

As I leaned over to give him a kiss goodnight I let my robe slip off my shoulders then quickly down away from my body...the look in his eyes made me instantly wet.

I stood in front of him...feeling so beautiful as his eyes danced over me and the smile crept over his lips.

MG: "Ooops...I think I dropped something"

I turned around bent over, giving him an uninterrupted view of my black and red French knickers as they kissed the cheeks of my arse.

We fucked well into the night...his hand left red welts on my arse as he spanked me...he filmed me with his phone as I spread my legs and begged for more...I heard him groan with pleasure as I came all over his cock then licked it clean...

That was Friday night...then it was repeated on Saturday and Sunday...public holiday here on Monday....

*happy sated sigh*

I LOVE this man...

To The Moon And Back

2008-06-05T18:04:00.003+10:00

I have finally taken the first step in dealing with so many of the ridiculous amount of things that have been crowding my world lately.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with the psychologist, there was too much said to really go into here except I am happy with how it went and I have started to make small changes already.

And that is promising.

T has been more settled lately, she is still having major problems at school and at her mother's house but we are working on that to the best we can.

I had School Girl Mermaid home from school today, caught the cold that is doing the rounds...I took the day off work and we spent some quality time together. I even did scrap booking with her, which I have always disliked. To my surprise it wasn't actually that bad...lol.

The cynic is silenced...

I am working on a picture wall of old black and white photographs of my grandparents, them as children and their wedding days etc. It is shaping up to be pretty beautiful, it's just a shame they won't see it.

The session with the psych has made me very reflective and a bit emotional, but I can already see good things and positive changes will come out of the next three months. I am receptive to change and I think that is the key to this succeeding.

Off to teach School Girl M about astronomy...sigh...I think I may be more of a hindrance than a help!

A New Life...

2008-05-26T14:57:00.004+10:00

My baby girl turned six last weekend...*wry smile*....and I turned thirty the weekend before...*smile slips slightly*...time is galloping on at such a scary scary rate.

M's sister had a baby girl today...nine pound three ounces (ouch!)

There is a bit of a sorry story behind the closed doors on that particular household and as it goes, a few too many people have been drawn into it. Suffice to say, I have steered well clear of it, only expressed my opinion privately to M and there it remained.

M's sister, known as S has two children already, one at school, the other still a baby, barely one year old. Her husband is an alcoholic (a true alcoholic with an alcoholic father). She has left him/kicked him out on so very many occasions only to get back together with him.

He has no interest in another child, he was apparently furious when she told him she was pregnant again and has continued to drink throughout her pregnancy despite telling her he had stopped.

All that changed was he got better at lying and hiding his drinking. Now he has gotten to the stage where he simply doesn't care...he hasn't been home since Mothers Day, two weeks ago and when the youngest child was rushed to hospital on Saturday night with suspected croup...no-one could find him.

He still hasn't resurfaced...it was her Mum that held her hand as she gave birth this afternoon and welcomed her third child into the world.

I find that, quite simply, so sad...at a time where her and her husband should be celebrating the birth of their baby together, he will be in a drunken stupor somewhere.

The irony is, S was induced and she had her induction date booked in two weeks ago so he has no excuse for not showing.

I can't help but wonder if this is actually the end for them this time...could there possibly be any more reserve in her tank of forgiveness?

If so then she is a better person than me.

I Close My Eyes...

2008-05-11T22:05:00.003+10:00

Tonight I am sad.

I am finally accepting the fact that my grandfather is dying.

Nearly two years ago he was diagnosed with cancer of the bladder. Then he had secondary cancer of the prostate.

Numerous surgeries...tumours...radiotherapy.

Three weeks ago he had surgery and now he has flown over here, to my country to see School Girl Mermaid and I. He can barely walk and will be back in hospital on Friday followed by another major operation in a few weeks.

I knew all of this yet until now I have pretended it wasn't happening. But this time I can see the change in him, I can see what my grandmother's life is like with him and it saddens me.

They have been married for fifty three years...he fought in World War Two...he is a father, a grandfather and a great grandfather. My daughter adores him and I have never known a life without him as a huge part of it.

Selfishly I have been willing him to stay alive...to keep fighting and survive another operation...yet another round of chemotherapy. Yet now I can see the pain he is in, how my grandmother's life is changed so much...the stress on her.

I don't see all of this on a daily basis because I am all the way over here and now I have seen it, seen him, seen them together, I understand more what it is like, what it has been like for her.

And my heart aches and there is a massive lump in my throat that just won't go away.

When I say goodbye to them on Wednesday that will possibly be the last time I will see my grandfather.

It's Sunday night and I am terrified already.

T And The Psychologist

2008-05-08T11:31:00.002+10:00

Tonight is T's first session with the child psychologist.

This is a bit of a big deal in that this isn't a country where children are in therapy at five etc...apart from myself and Holiday Girl sending our children to talk to a counseller post marriage break-up I don't actually know anyone else in this situation.

T's (ridiculously irritating) mother hit the roof when M told her about this. She takes everything so personally...we were only doing this to try and make her look bad as a parent...she has been waiting for three months to get a referral and we are just overiding her.

For god's sake...this actually isn't about her...it's about doing the best thing for T and if we are both working towards that common goal then does it really matter who booked the damn appointment.

Anyway...The Mother wants to be there tonight with her boyfriend (whom T has a terribly volatile relationship with) and as the psychologist wants to speak with M and I, they will have to come in too.

I. Don't. Like. This. Woman.

She is a major part of the problem and with her there, even though she won't be in there with T it is basically a death sentence for these sessions. T will not talk for the fear that her mother will find it all out and use it against her.

As history goes.

Repeatedly. It is her M.O.

But we can only try. The Mother has already been up at T's school complaining about me and my 'involvement in her daughter's life'. The principal phoned me and say from now on no-one at the school is permitted to discuss T with me and I will not be able to arrange meetings on behalf of M etc.

It didn't go down too well with me. I can understand them not discussing T on the phone with me, that is fine, I am not her parent but to ban me from even calling to arrange a meeting is just ridiculous.

M was cross as he doesn't have the flexibility in his schedule to be able to call during school hours and he relies on me to do this. To illustrate a point, the school asked me to pass on to him to call them at four thirty when he finished work and someone would be there to take his call until five thirty.

No-one answered.

The irritating thing is that the school has been having problems with T and her behaviour not only in class but towards other students and we needed further information about this before we went to the psychologist tonight.

Anyway...

My grandparents flew in this morning...I am WAY too excited...am sitting here waiting on their phone call now from the hotel.

*ridiculously big smile*

Bits And Pieces

2008-04-27T11:29:00.003+10:00

Well things seemed to have calmed down a bit now...I had a bit of a let it all out episode on Friday night...cried so hard I couldn't breath then thought I was having a damn panic attack.

Urgh...

M just held my hand and rubbed my back until I stopped crying...I looked awful, swollen eyes and a rose that rivalled Rudolphs on Christmas Eve...lol. It's heaps better now though.

Friday was a public holiday here so we took the children out to the country for a picnic lunch with M's family and their children. It was so nice to see our children get along, things have been pretty strained between School Girl M and M's daughter lately. She is twice her age and has limited patience. Once you combine that with School Girl M's over sensitive nature it makes for a constantly unsettled household with way too much arguing and tears endlessly.

Sigh...

We have got a referral for M's daughter (T) to see a child psychologist as her school has just lost their funding for their school counseller. She has quite large issues, stemming from years of living with her mother who is basically quite indescribable in her inability to be a positive mother to T.

This woman has four children to three different people and we suspect she is pregnant again (it is difficult to tell because she is quite literally obese). The way she speaks to T is awful, constant telling an eleven year old to fuck off when she is asking for help is just cruel. T spends a lot of time crying after having to speak with her mother on the phone when she is with us (court ordered). Anyway...there is way too much to go into here, it makes my blood boil just thinking about it so I can't start.

T will start her sessions with the child psychologist as soon as possible, we are really at crisis point with her, she is just so rude, flies off the handle at absolutely nothing...we can't predict what will make her flip out as it changes from one day to the next and so much of her anger seems to be taken out on School Girl M. It breaks my heart to see my baby cry every day.

Some days I question if I am doing the right think in staying in a relationship with M when this is what my daughter is being treated like in her own home, but something deep inside me believes in T.

I can't write her off, everyone else has more or less given up on her and I truly believe that she is a good kid underneath all this anger, she has just never had a chance at life with her family situation (M fought for custody in court and they sent her to her mother because she has siblings there). Her mother wants her for the child support she receives from M...nothing else, because it doesn't get spent on T and frequently she drops T off on the doorstep on M's sister and tells her to "cope with the fucking little bitch".

*deep breath*

T will be twelve in six months time and then the courts will listen to what she has to say and where she wants to go. The decision will not be solely hers but what she wants will definately be taken into consideration.

So back to the present...I am also arranging for School Girl M to see a school counseller when her school gets one next term, I think it won't do her any harm. She certainly has the ability to articulate exactly how she is feeling so it will probably be of benefit to her.

For some happy news, my grandparents are coming for a visit in ten days time. They didn't tell me until a couple of weeks ago as my grandfather had yet another operation for the cancer and they needed to wait and see how he pulled up from that. He is a stubborn man though...as the Irish are.

The day after they go home we are all jumping on a plane and heading up to the Land of Holidays for a long weekend with the children, for my birthday, then when we come back it will be School Girl M's sixth birthday so parties and presents all round.

Lots of things to look forward too :)

Holiday Girl - Part Two

2008-04-18T15:31:00.004+10:00

And as if this week hasn't been emotionally draining enough, yesterday I got a phone call from Holiday Girl's mother.

When I heard her voice (she has never called me before) I was all happy, I wanted make sure she was ok and was coping with the upheaval of this week.

When I asked her how she was this was her reply:

(This is a fifty something year old mother and grandparent, a professional in her field)

"You will shut up and listen to me"

I was so surprised I did this that...in retrospect I wish I had ended the phone call then and there.

There is too much to write but the basic gist of it was this...

- She doesn't like me and never has. She has tried to find good points about me but has failed, only because there are simply none to find.

- I have 'won'...I have convinced HG to leave her husband, I am responsible for breaking up their marriage because I want HG all to myself.

- One day HG will 'wake up' to me and realise what a manipulative person I really am then she will leave me and I will die a lonely friendless person.

- How the only person she feels sorry for in all of this is School Girl Mermaid...that 'she only hopes against the odds she will make something of herself...that she should be living with her father to have any chance at life"

I stood there and listened to all of this...too numb with absolute disbelief to even hang up then after she slammed the phone down in my ear I just crumbled onto the floor and sobbed.

I have never been spoken to like that before, let alone by a person whom I thought I had a good relationship based on mutual respect. How could I not have known she hated me? I have stayed up at her house in the country many times, of which she referred to; I NEVER would have gone there if I had known she didn't like. How humiliating.

HG chose that moment to call, I was crying so hard I couldn't even talk, just the sheer shock of it, so unexpected. She knew instantly what was wrong, apparently she had just had a massive fight with her mother in the solicitors office when her mother tried to get her to sign over permanent custody of her son to the violent ex-husband....then her mother turned on her own best friend who was there to support her and HG...then she yelled at HG's Aunty and the solicitor(!) before walking over the road to her solicitors and signing over her house to her ex-husband (a battle they have been fighting for four years since he left her).

I didn't feel quite so bad after that but her comments still cut deep...particularly what she said about my parenting...that was just vicious. No matter how much she was hurting over what is happening to HG...if playing the blame game is how she copes there was NO need to say what she did about my child and my parenting skills. That was one of the meanest things she could have ever chosen to say.

When I lie in bed at night I can hear her voice playing over and over in my head...saying those awful hurtful things...and I just want it to stop.

Holiday Girl

2008-04-17T07:59:00.002+10:00

My head is spinning and there seems to be too many thoughts in there to even begin to get them out coherently.

How can I explain the feeling of watching your best friend lie on the floor of a hospital screaming and claw at her wrists until she draws blood?

How I had to choke back my tears and help the nurse hold her down to be sedated, then try and be calm and collected when I spoke to what seemed like the hundredth psychologist that week.

What it's like to have your friend turn up on your doorstep at one am, having just run away from the hospital when they were doing her psych assessment. She drove forty five minutes to my house, down a freeway after having two sleeping pills and two valium. I have no understanding how she didn't kill herself or someone else on the road.

Holiday Girl's marriage is over, the house is sold and she has moved into her new place, then she found out her ex-husband is dating someone (three days after they finally decide to separate), then (as they have no legal custody agreement in place), he took their son and run away to the country with him. And that was the beginning of the end for her.

I took her back to hospital in the morning after she physically attacked me, after she screamed so loudly I had my neighbour phone to ask if everything was alright, after I saw the look of fear on School Girl Mermaid's face.

I sat next to her hospital bed for seven hours on Tuesday until her family arrived from the country to come and get her. When I had to get up to go to the toilet they had security guards watch her.

I can't articulate the gut wreching sorrow I felt, the pure pain and anguish in her eyes...she just kept screaming for me to let her die. She kept trying to get up and run away again, people in that state have so much strength when they are angry.

I felt like I was losing my best friend.

I have never seen anyone have a breakdown like that before...it was terrifying, the overwhelming sense of helplessness. I have the greatest respect for the people who do this for a job, the nurses and care workers, their strength and compassion is surreal.

I knew this was coming but I had no idea it woud be this huge...and all I keep thinking is what could I have done to prevent this? I had arranged for her Mum to come and stay for the first week in her new house and to help with her son, I called twice a day and made sure she had friends come over every night of the weekend so she wasn't alone, she she knew how much we care about her.

Then in the middle of the night, when we couldn't protect her from her thoughts and her endless need to overanalyse was when it overwhelmed her.

I should have been there.

HNT - The New Series

2008-04-09T11:54:00.004+10:00

Spank Me Please...

2008-03-16T16:08:00.002+11:00

It's a lazy and very hot Sunday afternoon here...the leaves are just beginning to change and the suffocating wind is pulling the first of them off the tree branches to scatter around like confetti.

We have no children this weekend...they are off at their respective other parents for custody time. We started with a long breakfast in a favourite haunt that Holiday Girl and I frequent then came home to fuck.

He was sitting at the computer finishing work as I slid my legs across him and moved my body slowly down until I was sitting on his lap, my legs wrapped around his and my breath hot on his face.

He slid his hands slowly up my dress as I pressed my lips against his...gently at first then building feverishly as his hands explored my body...dancing over my bare skin until goosebumps appeared on my arms and a sigh escaped from my throat.

He stood up, lifting me...and as I clung to him my dress fell to the ground, caressing my legs and kissing my toes on it's way down to the floor.

The ceiling fan was relentless, blowing steamy air into my face as I lay on my back waiting for him...then I grew impatient and as he was discarding his clothes, I got down on my knees and slid his throbbing cock into my warm mouth.

He groaned and grabbed my head...I smiled with pleasure.

There is nothing like being wanted...

I wanted to taste him for longer but it was his turn now for impatience...in one movement he had me on the bed and underneath him as he slid his cock deep inside me.

We fucked for what seemed like hours, neither of us wanted it to end but we had places to be and people expecting us...so I turned over and got on my knees.

He ran his hands over my bare arse...danced his fingers down my spine as I shivered in delicious anticipation...then as he fucked me harder and fucked me faster, he spanked my arse until I came and cried his name.

And that is my perfect Sunday afternoon...

School Girl Mermaid...

2008-03-13T09:11:00.003+11:00

I wanted to write about my daughter today, she has been on my mind a lot lately.

I have been parent helping at her school, doing reading and writing once a week and it has been a real eye opener to me.

My daughter is so smart.

And yes I am aware that every parent thinks their little darling has all the pieces of lifes puzzle in place at five, but I really have my suspicions that School Girl Mermaid may just be on the home straight with that one.

She writes stories that are years above her grade....she is currently reading at a level three grades above hers and whilst the rest of her class is on readers, she has graduated to chapter books that are around sixty five pages long.

She is five still.

I marvel at this phenomenon that is my child.

I read to her from the day I found out I was pregnant...lots of Dr Seuss in utero...lol. I'm not a massive fan anymore...years of Green Eggs And Ham will break the strongest resolve.

Next term at school she starts spelling, I did a literacy course at her school last week and tested her on the weekend, she can already spell the two hundred words required for the next two years.

Yes well.

Although I love it that she is so smart and so eager to learn, I am finding that with this comes a slight contempt of other children her age. I really don't like the attitude she is displaying, it is very distasteful of a child her age and not one she will make friends with.

In saying that, for the better part she is a very sweet child, but I see traits of her father in her more and more at the moment - the shortness with people, irritation when they don't understand things as quickly as she does, she can be very sharp in how she responds to other children and this quite often cuts them. At this age they are all a bit on the sensitive side.

I'm not really sure how to deal with this one, especially because on the other side of the equation she can be very over sensitive and cries often when other children annoy her. It can be quite draining and at times I feel like I am constantly either reassuring or reprimanding and it's slightly hypocritical because what makes her cry is the behaviour that she inflicts on other children.

Sigh...

It doesn't help that her father and I have been arguing again, we have had a really good run for five months now and it blew up again last week and ended with him threatening to snatch School Girl M. I had to take her out of school for the better part of the week, that was exhausting for all of us.

On a positive note, M's house sold after only a few days on the market and it settles tomorrow so we will start looking for a house to rent together now. It's exciting times :)

HNT

2008-03-07T10:52:00.001+11:00

Last one in this series...

HNT

2008-02-28T10:18:00.002+11:00

I am officially divorced now...and what a journey it has been...

Happy HNT everyone :)

HNT

2008-02-14T13:58:00.002+11:00

Happy Valentines Day 2008....

Sated...

2008-01-30T12:07:00.000+11:00

We went camping for the long weekend...real camping in the bush with no running water and no electricity.

And in the afternoon we crept away from everyone else and made hot and intense love in the privacy of our tent.

It was the kind of sex that saps your body and your mind...that as you're caught up in the middle of it all you are living and breathing every moment in its definitive entirety.

I could hear every breath he took...feel every movement of his body under mine and right then and there, we were the only two people in the world...nothing else existed.

And as I collapsed on top of him...sated beyond description...we lay there and looked at each other and I could see in his eyes what was reflected in my heart and I knew...that this is forever.

Mermaids...

2008-01-12T12:57:00.000+11:00

Well I'm back from holidays and straight back into work...I actually missed working, I am so lucky to love my job :)

I was amazed at how much I missed M whilst I was gone...we have talked about marriage...about eloping once both of our divorces come through...I want to get married on a beach somewhere...he wants to get married in Vegas...LOL.

I think blogging may just be winding down for me...I am just so happy now and I am finding now I am am happy I have less and less to write about. Which reiterates what I have always upheld, being that blogging was always meant to be a cathartic release for me...now I have nothing left to be sad about...to be confused or hurt by...no anger remains.

I could write post after post on how happy I am...how much I love M...but I simply don't feel the need...perhaps this is where I call it a day...

It's been just over two and a half years now and so very much has happened and being able to write has enabled me to work through so much of it...enabled me to simply cope...sometimes if only day by day.

In this time frame I have lived through an affair...a marriage break-up...custody battles and court...I have lost everything financially...seen what I believe to be the worst in people I have loved...made amazing new friends both in blogland and in real life...survived cancer...and finally I have met and fallen in love with the man who I will spend the rest of my life with.

I am so happy...

Winding down but not signing off just yet...

The Land of Holidays

2008-01-04T11:12:00.000+11:00

As I sit here and write this I can smell the bread baking and the fresh pot of tea brewing, there are palm trees swaying out the window and I'm wearing boardies and a singlet top....there is sand between my toes (perpetually for the past ten days!) and I am unwinding and r-e-l-a-x-i-n-g...yes it is possible...lol.

Who would have thought...I am actually capable of relaxing.

M flew up for a couple of days over New Years...we missed each other (insert ridiculous swoon followed by happy sigh)...it was unbelievably great to see him, I didn't realise how much I had missed him until he walked through the arrival gates at the airport :)

I am so in love with this guy...crazily and massively and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

*smiles in slight disbelief*

Signing off from the Land of Holidays...

Kisses
MG

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T12:07:00.000+11:00

To borrow a line from a song...

"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go"

School Girl Mermaid and I are leaving now for the airport for fifteen days in the Land of Holidays. We will land in time for Christmas Dinner with my fabulous Uncle.

As I just wrote in an email to a friend, I am all emotional already about seeing him, about spending Christmas with family. It has been six months and with everything that has happened I just want the comfort of my family right now.

Merry Christmas to you all in blogland and safe holidays where ever you are in the world, mine will be sun and surf, beach and a serious amount of shopping at factory outlet stores - love it!

Holiday Girl will be there in time for New Years, fireworks on the beach, boardies, bikini's and barbeques...I love summer :)

Stay safe everyone and remember to be kind to yourselves and to cherish your families - no matter how difficult they are!

Love
MG

I Found This On Facebook...

2007-12-17T20:00:00.000+11:00

Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

Who calls you back when you hang up on him.

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisss your forehead.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, " ...that's her."

Nothing Really...

2007-12-14T13:50:00.000+11:00

For those of you who have been reading for the past two and half years...

Q's real name is Sean.

He always wanted to be a Q...

I think he will be a Dad again by now...child number four to person number three.

Thank god that wasn't me.

I am so glad he is out of my life...it is taking a while to stop thinking about him, but I am in such a good place with M...so grounded, so real and the intimacy..both physical and emotional is manically intense.

Just the way I like it.

The Morning After The Night Before...

2007-12-11T15:27:00.000+11:00

Last night was one of those ooops kind of nights...and boy am I paying the price for it today.

It started with a couple of drinks in the office with K (M's Dad who I work with) then K and I went out to dinner - not unusual, we do every fortnight or so. A couple more drinks with dinner then back to his place with some work colleagues etc for some truly fabulous red wine.

M turned up and took me home...only to look after me whilst I proceeded to THROW UP for the next two hours.

Spectacular.

Red wine seriously does not look to good coming back up.

Goddamn embarrassing.

I have not thrown up from drinking in years and today my once a year hangover has struck with a vengeance. I feel seedy...I look wrecked and work has really been a bit of a blur...lol.

Serves me right!

What kind of guy, who after dating you for only a month, would hold your hair back whilst you were sick, clean up your mess and tuck you into bed, all when it was self inflicted?

My most beautiful M-Boy...

I'm still kind of embarrassed though...lol.

Innocence

2007-12-08T15:34:00.000+11:00

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great

I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliance
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere

I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don't go away
Cus I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

Innocence
Avril Lavigne

I was sitting on his knee surfing iTunes when this came on...I want this feeling to last forever...goddamn I do.

I believe in true love...I believe in simply knowing when you meet 'that' person...and I believe in fate.

And I embrace it all...deliciously so.

What Love Is...

2007-12-04T08:07:00.000+11:00

We were sitting in a bakery having lunch...

MG: "You have made me believe again...in life and love....in living and loving. You make me believe in a future that is so different from what I had imagined it would be...and I am so happy"

Head over heels...my world is spinning around and I can't catch my breath and I don't want to....

This must be what love is.

Insatiable

2007-11-30T11:40:00.000+11:00

When moonlight crawls along the street
Chasing away the summer heat
Footsteps outside somewhere below
The world revolves I let it go
We build our church above this street
We practice love between these sheets
The candy sweetness scent of you
It bathes my skin I'm stained by you
And all I have to do is hold you
There's a racing in my heart
I am barely touching you

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

The moonlight plays upon your skin
A kiss that lingers takes me in
I fall asleep inside of you
There are no words
There's only truth
Breathe in Breathe out
There is no sound
We move together up and down
We levitate our bodies soar
Our feet don't even touch the floor
And nobody knows you like I do
The world doesn't understand
But I grow stronger in your hands

We never sleep we're always holdin' hands
Kissin' for hours talkin' makin' plans
I feel like a better man
Just being in the same room
We never sleep there's just so much to do
Too much to say
Can't close my eyes when I'm with you
Insatiable the way I'm loving you

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

Insatiable
Darren Hayes

Oh my god...yes.

Such A Wicked Thing To Do...To Make Me Dream Of You...

2007-11-27T08:30:00.000+11:00

Bits and pieces and odds and ends...

As I write this I am alone in his house...he has gone to work and I am wrapping up my work on his computer before I start my day out of the office.

We both had yesterday afternoon off...and spent it in bed...

It was a delicious tangle of limbs and hot slippery bodies on a warm early summer's afternoon.

Then later as the temperature dropped and an evening of drinking drew to a close we fucked. Intensely. As always, it blew my mind.

And afterwards as I lay in his arms and absorbed the comfort of his body holding mine, he laced his fingers through mine as he said...

M: "I have only ever told two people in my whole life that I love them...and I have only meant it once"

I raised my eyes up to look at him...promptly forgot how to breath and just lived the intensity of that defining moment.

We are going out to dinner tonight to celebrate a huge work milestone for me, I have achieved a goal that I have worked three years towards, which is fabulously exciting.

And because I am such a gun now at finding cut price airfares, last week I booked nineteen dollar flights to the Land of Holidays for Holiday Girl and myself (of course!) How a shopaholic loves a genuine bargain...lol.

Life is ticking along and ticking along very nicely.

It's all working out and this sense of calmness I am encapsulating myself in is proving to be very soothing in all aspects of my life.

Maybe I can be less intense...less stressful and less analytical...

Well....perhaps.

Amazing Life...

2007-11-24T08:39:00.000+11:00

I am going crazy...this is like nothing I have ever experienced before.

I question it relentlessly as does he...yet we both keep drawing the same conclusion, it's crazy...it's all happening so fast but it feels just so damn right.

I can not adequately convey the depth of the connection we have...it supersedes anything I have ever experienced with another person before.

We were sitting in a restaurant last night, it was his brother's birthday dinner and we were waiting for everyone else to arrive when I leaned over to him and whispered in his ear...

MG: "There is something I want to tell you, it's ridiculously too early on in the scheme of everything but I just have to say it"

M: (takes my face in his hands) "I know...I feel the same way"

MG: "I falling in love with you (M)"

He smiled at me...and just then everyone turned up so we didn't get a chance to talk.

Much later on in the night, we were in bed and he held me, he told me he loves me...how he is scared of this but is loving it...how it just feels so damn right.

My life is amazing.

In the past two months I have survived cancer and now I am actually believing (oh deeply cynical me) that this guy might actually be the one.

The one I have been waiting for my entire life...maybe this is what everyone else has...how other people feel in relationships...those rock solid kind of marriages/relationships etc that you admire from afar and wonder how on earth they do it.

What we share...that connection...sets this just so far apart from any other relationship I have had.

But I am a sceptic! I question this endlessly looking for flaws in the blueprint...it can't possibly be this easy...you don't just meet someone and fall in love with them after eleven or so days - not possible! If this was one of my friends I would be telling them to get a grip...that's it's still in that helpless infatuation stage and it couldn't possibly be love.

Or perhaps this is...and I just know...eleven days...eleven months...eleven years...it doesn't matter because from that very first date I knew that this was something different.

And my god it is...

To Simply Be...

2007-11-19T19:28:00.000+11:00

The sex is breath taking...when I come it is dizzying and I can feel every part of my body pause and arch up towards him trying to capture the intensity of that singular moment.

The weekend was a blur of moments...the coolness of his sheets under my bare skin..the press of his lips against mine as he slid inside me...the intensity of his stare...the roughness of his unshaven face as I caressed it with my hands.

We stare at each other a lot...a lot.

We talk without saying anything...sometimes when I look at him I quite literally forget to breath.

I trace the outline of his lips with my fingertip and feel the shiver dance through me as he undresses me with his eyes. He has fuck me eyes...

I love how he makes me feel....I love how he feels inside me...I love waking up next to him...I love going to sleep lying in his arms.

My legs wrapped around his waist...his mouth pressed feverishly against mine...I could smell us, like a room smells after sex...and I instantly craved him.

When I am with him I feel so alive...I feel like I have waited so long for someone like him...when I told him how I feel, I termed it exhilarating terrifying.

And that it is.

I am finding myself ridiculously inarticulate at the moments. I phone Holiday Girl and I make a pitiful attempt at expressing how I am feeling with him...Fabulous Friend makes lots of encouraging murmuring sounds but I can tell she is a bit taken back by my stammering and resorting to happy sighs when I give up trying to explain exactly why this is so great.

And perhaps this is where the true beauty in all of this lies...to merely experience it..to just be...that is enough.

I'm Falling...

2007-11-19T11:43:00.000+11:00

I'm going to be lame right now...just because this is my blog and I can.

I'm falling for M...very hard and very fast and I am loving every crazy minute of it.

I spent the entire weekend at his house, met his daughter (she is eleven, he has partial custody of her) and on Sunday we went to (an early) family Christmas lunch where I got to meet his entire family plus extended family. I was so nervous! It went fine though...

I opened my eyes this morning to find him lying there smiling at me...I woke up to his smile and a "good morning beautiful".

*more swooning*

This is a seriously lame post...and I'm loving it...lol

Back to the specialist on Wednesday, hopefully this will be the last visit for a while. I still have a lot of blood build-up on one side but they may just be happy to let that be - fingers crossed for no more needles.

Goddamn life is good right now...so very very good :)

Dear Diary...

2007-11-16T16:12:00.000+11:00

So I feel like I'm fifteen all over again and am writing a Dear Diary entry...

*swoon*

God this is going so well, I am in a slight state of disbelief actually.

We have caught up a couple more times this week, he stayed again last night and the sex was amazing...

*happy sigh*

We both had the afternoon off today so we went for a walk...it's summer...it was deliciously warm, the trees were all dappled and pretty (I love trees) and it was just comfortable.

It's been one week and I can honestly say, this is different from anything else that has happened to me lately. He is just so mellow and that is so nice.

I keep thinking that is is slightly ridiculous to think like this after only one week, but all things have to begin somewhere and perhaps this is actually where it starts for me.

I am happy...very happy :)

Holding A Piece Of Time

2007-11-15T09:45:00.000+11:00

There is a new guy featuring in my life.

*gasp*

And it has been the longest time since I have said that and felt actual butterflies in my stomach.

After a rash of really strange guys running through my life, and believe me when I saw they have been weird...it got to the point where my friends and I had resigned myself to the fact that I was just attracting idiots...along came M.

M is the son of a colleague (K) who I have worked with for six or so years and who, ironically enough, I am actually quite good friends with and socialise outside of work with on a regular basis- yet I had never met his son before last week.

M and I went out to dinner on Monday night, then saw each other again on Tuesday when he ended up staying the night at my place (School Girl M was with H) and we didn't sleep all night.

Insanely fun...

He is very placid, doesn't talk much...quite the opposite from me as I tend to talk fast and intensely when I am passionate about something. There is just something about this guy...he seems to be so normal, call me pessimistic but I keep waiting for the catch (!)

Could this be the start of something? I hope so...I really do :)

And for those who asked...Cafe Boy turned out to be just a bit too strange for me to cope with...he is on mood stabilisers for Bi Polar disorder, he tends to be quite hung up about money, is unhappy with his job yet is content to merely complain about it instead of being proactive and changing careers (easily done in his line of work).

This may sound quite judgmental but I struggle to have respect for someone who at forty years old owns nothing, has no money, is unhappy with where they are at with their lives yet prefers wallowing in apathy to actually making any changes.

And he wanted a full blown instantaneous relationship with me.

Enough said.

Holiday Girl's lumps turned out to be nothing dangerous so we are all very relieved, it was a long few days for her.

I was idly wondering if Q ever reads this blog...if curiousity or perhaps spiteful interest would draw him back here. When everything happened with his pregnant PA etc I took the site meter off my blog so I wouldn't know if he was reading or not...I didn't want to know.

If I was to be honest my guess would be that he doesn't read, he compartmentalises with the best of them, I believe in his mind I simply don't exist to him anymore. It is sad, after all we went through. I find it slightly heartbreaking still that as close as we were, when I was diagnosed with cancer he never came to see me and after the surgery...well...I guess he would have heard around through mutual acquaintances that I was ok, but I would be lying if I said his complete removal from it all didn't sting just the littlest bit.

I guess that is where him and I are different people though, I believe things like this supersede all else, that life is more precious than any emotional bullshit that we concoct through our own making.

When things were at the worst with H, when we were going through court and his parent's were busy hammering on my front door and leaving me intimidating voicemail messages...my father-in-law's sister died after a long and painful battle with ovarian cancer. The first thing I did was send send flowers and pick up the phone...often what is happening in our lives...what we can't control...it tends to just steamroll on ahead regardless if we can stop be stubborn enough to do what is right or not.

I am seeing M again on the weekend, all going well...I have a good feeling about this guy.

He held my hand and looked me in the eye whilst I talked to him and he opened the car door for me - little things like that go a very long way in my book. We have different lives, his family is quite abrasive and rough round the edges and I don't know if I could tolerate that mentality long term but for now I am happy with this and the butterflies having a field day in my tummy - well that is nice too :)

Remembrance Day 2007 - Lest we forget

2007-11-11T12:04:00.000+11:00

I thought of Q today, as it is his birthday. I remembered verbatum the phone message I left him last year, the excitement in my voice and the teasing tone. And I close that part of my mind once again and relegate him to memories that are seldom visited by choice.

As I write this I am listening to School Girl Mermaid and her little friend play school together, we have just returned from the Remembrance Day service where School Girl M sang in the choir.

When they sang Amazing Grace, I cried - as always I am such a sook...lol. She looked so beautiful though, little blond haired blue eyed child so proudly singing and sneaking the occasional smile over at where myself and H were sitting.

Having served in the military I take such pride in my child being part of these ceremonies, to see the appreciation on the returned soldiers faces as they sing, rows of little cherub faces, all so serious.

It's nearly summer here now, the days are long and the nights balmy...and it's only six or so weeks until we will be lying on a beach in the Land of Holidays. My best friend back home is pregnant with her third child, due the end of December (three under three) and my other best friend back there has just given birth to her second child (two under seventeen months). I am SO grateful to only have one child and things like a two week holiday is about as easy as it gets - throw some clothes in a bag, jump on a plane and simply enjoy yourself - loving it!

Some not so great things have been happening with Holiday Girl this week. Since I was diagnosed, I have been on at her to have a breast examination done. On Thursday she finally went to the doctor and they found several lumps and have ordered an urgent ultrasound.

Holiday Girl is prone to nervousness and panic attacks so it is easy to imagine what she is going through right now. The earliest she can get in for the ultrasound is Tuesday morning so she has been a nervous wreck all weekend. I feel so acutely for what she is going through right now.

Today I close my eyes and think of the sacrifices that people decades before us have made so we may live the lives we do today, lives of freedom with choices that are ours to make.

I think of how lucky we are to live in a country where, like Holiday Girl, if we are sick we can go to a hospital and not have to worry about the cost of medical treatment. Where we have free education for our children and the cost of living is just average and wages are higher than in so many comparable countries.

I rest in the knowledge that my child will grow up in a democratic country where she will be treated as a equal irrespective of her gender, she will have the opportunity to go to university if she chooses to and her role in society will not be predetermined by anyone else.

I consider myself lucky to live here, lucky to be the grandchild of a returned serviceman who helped create this world that myself and my daughter shall grow up in and because of the sacrifices these men and women made, our lives shall never be touched by the atrocities of war in the same way that their lives were.

Across the ocean today I send a thank you to my grandparents, for their love and their sacrifices.

Meeting K...

2007-11-05T13:54:00.000+11:00

So what exactly does one wear when meeting a fellow blogger for the very first time ever?

After much angst and changing of one's mind (repeatedly) I ended up wearing a black outfit with pink Converse boots. Probably not quite me but at least I had warm feet...and as it was somewhat wet and miserable, then warm feet were appreciated!

Is it bizarre reading about me meeting you K? Lol...

The scene was a 'moody' cafe where we dissected the world as we know it, I asked her advice on so very many matters and found her to be deliciously knowledgeable to talk to. But to meet someone in the flesh - how exciting!

I smiled the entire car ride home :)

And for the record there was no showing of breasts - only discussion about them (!) The cafe wasn't really conducive to stripping off layers of clothes and revealing bruised breasts - although you never know...sometimes strange actions lead to even strange occurrences...it may have lead to the discovery that we were in fact dining in a swingers cafe and the baring of naked bodies was the code action for 'let the swinging begin'.

Hmmmm...might have to go back there on another occasion and test the theory.

Cafe Boy

2007-10-30T13:03:00.001+11:00

So for a break from the overwhelmingness of breasts, a theme that seems to have been dominating my life as of late...lol.

Post surgery I haven't been able to use my fabulous red espresso machine as I can't move my arms enough to twist the grinder part in...so I had to find myself a cafe to satisfy the insane coffee cravings.

That is where Cafe-Down-The Road comes into the scene...been going there for a couple of weeks now...cute guy behind the counter...didn't really pay too much attention to him...reason being? I vaguely know the owner of the cafe through work and he is gay...and by way of wild assumption I thought this guy was his partner.

Come Sunday morning...I'm on my way to a kids birthday party, stop in to grab a takeaway coffee and he slips me his phone number. I have no idea what the look on my face must have been like...after all, I THOUGHT HE WAS GAY...lol.

Cut to my daily phone call to Holiday Girl that night...she is full of questions...what does he look like... how old is he...do you think you'll go out with him?

My response?

I have no idea because I thought he was gay...I couldn't even tell her what he really looked like aside the fact he was cute...LOL.

So we caught up yesterday for lunch...had a great time...same sense of humour (re: sarcastic)...I had a great time.

Potential? Not sure, (as I later found out) he is forty, which is a lot older than me and New Person was that age and there were some marked generational differences.

I told him I was recovering from cancer and not looking for anything other than friendship...he said he was cool with that.

Watch this space :)

More Photographs - Nipplegate

2007-10-27T19:58:00.000+10:00

New photographs and an exciting milestone in my recovery. Tonight I got to see my nipples properly for the very first time.

Poor little nipples were cut off and grafted back on higher up on my breasts, there was always a chance the grafting wouldn't work so in my mind I named it "Nipplegate". Yes. Highly original, but it kept me amused.

So I think my nipples are actually looking ok, the creases in them are from the bandages and will uncrease with time apparently.

I was worried about the shape of my breasts, they seem to be changing every day but I am only two and a half weeks into a two and a half month recovery period so I need to just have some patience.

Some days it is difficult though! I want to know what my body will look like, how dramatically it has actually changed and how so, what the scaring will be like.

I ended up in the emergency department last night after overdoing it. More internal bleeding in my breasts, no infections though which is the biggie so just trying to take it easier this weekend now.

I just want to be me again, patience never was one of my virtues unfortunately...lol.

My Insurance Policy - 30th August 2007

2007-10-24T21:27:00.000+10:00

Hi,

My name is Mermaid Girl...I am a twenty nine year old single mother to a beautiful girl who is my world...and I am now a cancer survivor.

Welcome to the rest of my life.

Dated: 30th August 2007.

This is my prophecy...it is written and in six weeks or so I will be posting it.

Until then post...sit tight...because I will be back.

Postscript...and tonight I post this and it is all true. I saw the specialist today, there was some more internal bleeding again but she controlled that, drained it out and put me on more drugs. The tissue samples all came up clear with absolutely NO traces of cancer!

This recovery is a bit slower than they had hoped but the point is - I am recovering and I have a future without cancer.

Tonight I shall lay my head on my pillow and go to sleep with a smile on my face knowing that this is over, I am no longer a person living with cancer...tomorrow I shall wake up and be myself again...a changed person but stronger and so much more in love with life.

This is my new beginning...and how lucky I am to have even been given the chance.

Tagged...

2007-10-23T08:17:00.000+10:00

I don't usually do these but since the delighfully intriguing Rover asked me...how could a girl say no?

1. Link to your tagger and post rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random and some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of post and list their names.
4. Let them know they were tagged by a comment on their blog.

Random things about me...

1. Although I love what I do my income is frustratingly variable to the point of $6000 one month to $400 the next. Yes I am serious. More months on the upper end of the scale would be great.

2. School Girl M is named after a character in my favourite childhood book. She has grown up to look quite similar to that character now, it's slightly bizarre.

3. I have beautiful long fingernails that grow quickly and are very strong. I cut them very short every week because I learn piano. My friends lament over it...lol.

4. I get very emotionally attached to people quite quickly. It's really annoying.

5. I have a left hand, right hand obsession when I am using EFTPOS, I have to use fingers from both hands to press the buttons. It's usually quite awkward when I'm trying to hold my purse and car keys at the same time.

6. Last night I discovered shopping on Amazon because the exchange rate is so good right now. A monster has been unleashed. I bought all four Post Secret books in the first five minutes online then had to make myself turn the computer off and go to bed before I bought anything else.

7. I am currently addicted to Ecoya coffee scented candles in a tin...I have one sitting on my desk next to me when I work and I stop periodically and smell it. I was worried it was weird until my friends all started buying them and doing the same thing. Weirdness crisis averted at the eleventh hour.
I won't tag anyone but feel free to play and blame me :)

Graphic Photo's At Bottom Of Post

2007-10-20T18:53:00.000+10:00

On Wednesday morning I drive back to the town I was operated in (two hours from my home) to get my final surgery results.

Although the surgeon is pleased with the removal of the cancer, they took tissue samples from other places in my breasts to perform tests on to ensure there is no other cancer in the early stages.

So when I arrive back home on Wednesday afternoon I shall be publishing my Insurance Post that I wrote back in August...because by then it will all be true.

This is the final hurdle to throw myself over before I can be content that I am moving forward with my life and right now all I can think is "bring it on!"

I started my new contracts on Friday, a bit earlier than arranged bt I was going c-r-a-z-y at home. I am finding myself getting tired really quickly and needing Nanna naps during the afternoon to be able to keep going through the day.

I am also learning to accept help when it is offered, namely by my Mother in Law. she came to visit me a few days ago, brought flowers etc and was very nice. I have asked her to take School Girl M to piano for me on the day I get my results as I won't be back in time. She was so willing to help, I have hope this may be a turning point with her and I.

Below are my photographs taken at ten days post surgery...although the bruising looks almost the same my body is healing itself and I have a lot more mobility than I did even a few days ago.

Warning, this is not a pretty sight (!), but having cancer isn't pretty, it's reality and right now, how my body looks is my reality.

I am so grateful to even be here writing this :)

Work

2007-10-17T09:33:00.000+10:00

I got to leave the house this week for my 'Big Outing'...

You know your life is boring when the supermarket is an exciting proposition...LOL.

A friend picked me up and took me out to lunch at a local art gallery/cafe then we went for a gentle walk around the supermarket - oh the feeling of freedom to escape the four walls of my home.

I live in the suburbs and stir crazy doesn't begin to describe the oppression of not being able to drive anywhere or do anything.

My breasts are healing, the bruising is fading and they are a lot more tender as I ease off the painkillers. I am presently taking twenty seven tablets per day, pain relief, anti-inflammatory, anti-biotics, to name a few. I feel like a walking chemist.

I gave myself a fright yesterday, I was drying myself after a shower and my fingernail caught the edge of the strapping and pulled it. The bleeding was instantaneous and heavy, it quite literally pumped out in straight line. Very gross. I called the specialist in a panic but she was great, pointed out that after hemorraging so much what I classify as a lot of blood and what they do, were two different things.

Am trying to take things easier today now.

I will be SO glad to go back to work, now my head is clear and my mind is active I just need this little old body of mine to come to the party and we'll be laughing.

I got a phone call on Monday night to say I had won a contract I had been negotiating with a big new client and another call the next morning for a meeting with what might just be a lucrative client down the track a bit further.

It's all happening and the timing is good, it is providing me a good focus to hit the ground running with work when I start back next week.

And the quicker next week comes the better!

Illusions...(Contains graphic photographs)

2007-10-15T10:23:00.000+10:00

Walking past me in the street...you would never knows what lies beneath (graphic photographs following)...

Day Three post surgery

Day Five post surgery

Thank You

2007-10-13T21:31:00.000+10:00

So it's time to tell you all how the surgery went....

The surgeon is confident they got all the cancer, it was all in the ducts as they thought (DCIS) which meant it was contained and easy to remove, therefore I should not need chemo.

They did a reconstruction during the surgery, as I already had quite large breasts I could afford to lose some and still have enough to reconstruct without needing implants.

That would be about the only time in my life I have been grateful for having big breasts...lol.

In all honesty I really don't think I could have had more surgery, it has hit me harder than I imagined it would physically and I have found it quite traumatising. The feeling of being out of control was incredibly scary and being responsible for a five year old whilst feeling that way was very overwhelming.

My nipples were removed and grafted on higher up on my breasts, and right now I have breasts that would rival a strippers. They are rock solid, sit up under my chin and don't look like they belong to me.

But I am alive. I am here and I have a future without cancer on the horizon. And in a short month or two this will be behind me and I shall no longer feel like I am defined by the ugly shadow that is breast cancer.

Today I went online and bought some gifts from the Breast Cancer Fundraiser site. I am making up gift bags to give to friends who have showed me so much support with School Girl M throughout this week.

These people are amazing. One of them is a single Mum who struggled to bring up her two children on her own, whilst studying and working part time. She did not hesitate to take SGM for the better part of this week, having her day and night, doing the school homework, uniforms, choir practice etc.

Then there is Fabulous Friend who has been here this weekend for breakfast, lunch and dinner to feed SGM, do the washing and tidy the house and play taxi driver for music and swimming lessons, taking her to friend's houses so I can have a reprieve. All this whilst she works seven days a week.

And my beautiful Holiday Girl...who called me whilst I was on my way home from the hospital and simply said "I had a feeling you need me, I am coming over". And even when I protested and said I was fine, as soon as she walked through the door I more or less collapsed from exhaustion and she, who can not handle the mere sight of blood, cleaned me up, washed my blood stained clothes and then tucked me into bed.

My friends...god, how lucky I am.

And to everyone who has left me comments, sent me emails and offered a hand of friendship and support - from the bottom of my heart I thank you all.

You will never fully understand exactly how much comfort this has all brought to me.

So now it is Sunday and I am starting to feel human again, my bruising is technicolour, I have humbling photographs of my poor breasts...but this morning I got out of bed and decided this was the day when it all begins...all over again for me.

And it has.

And I am happy.

I believe things happen for a reason, I believe this is a chance to reassess and decide what direction I really want my life to be heading in. I am redefining now what really is important to me and why.

It's so true what is said...that life is a journey not a destination.

2007-10-13T11:17:00.000+10:00

Is it normal to feel so jittery?

I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack all the time, it is freaking me out considerably.

As soon as I heard the car pull into the drivewaylast night with School Girl M in it, the tears started to well up inside me and as soon as she burst through the front door I just sobbed. She was so cute, she scolded me for crying because it made her cry too...lol. So we both sat there and cried and smiled at each other happily.

God I missed her.

I am feeling slightly better today, the painkillers are very strong, they are knocking me around a lot. School Girl M has been very mother-hen like. Bringing me endless bottles of water, putting blankets on me, coming to check on me and bring me food. I am very impressed at how nuturing she can be...lol.

M, I keep thinking of you and how if you can get through this then I can, you really are my inspiration right now :)

Time for another rest...

Home

2007-10-12T09:01:00.000+10:00

This will be short, am very tired and so sore.

Came home yesterday, things got a bit scary during the night after surgery, I started internally hemorrhaging at 3am so I was rushed back to theatre. That's not unusual for me, it happened when I had School G M as well.

All good now though, just feel very detached and groggy and sick of the sight of blood...*wry smile*

Happy to be home and in my own bed.

OUT OF SURGERY

2007-10-10T19:55:00.000+10:00

Hi, my name is Evening and I am a friend of Mermaid Girl. She asked me to let you know when she was out of surgery and doing ok.

She sent this text out today.

Hi Everyone, out of surgery and it went really well. Home tomorrow! Thank you for all your support.

I wanted to ask you all to continue to keep Mermaid Girl in your thoughts and prayers. Her surgery is now over and her recovery will begin. Mermaid Girl has been so strong and had such a good attitude through this, I am just positive that any thoughtful messages you leave here for her will help her through the days ahead. I am a recent breast cancer survivor and I know that the caring and support I recieved from my blog friends helped me through a very scary time.

I am sure it will not be long before MG is back here updating us on her recovery herself. So come back soon and check on her.

Love and hugs to you Mermaid Girl.
xo
Evening

2007-10-09T14:56:00.000+10:00

Well it's 3pm Tuesday and this time tomorrow I will be in surgery.

I am still not nervous, just busy still. I had a car accident yesterday, was hit by a learner driver, unfortunately I was in a hire car as my car is being serviced. I was driving a beautiful expensive brand new car...lol. I am now sporting an impressively swollen bruised leg.

Now the arguments with the insurance company begin...urgh. I loathe dealing with insurance companies.

But now I have my fabulous little Mermaid mobile back (thanks K!) and after a week of driving ridiculously expensive hire cars (I had three different cars in total) I am very happy to have my baby back.

Tonight School Girl M goes off to her little friends house for two nights...very exciting to have a sleepover during the school week. I have been madly baking chocolate fudge cupcakes and making dinner for her to take with her. It helps distract me anyway.

New Person took me out to lunch today which was nice, he has been good lately, we have been getting on really well. He wants more though and is sitting back in silent hope waiting. There is nothing from my side, I just feel nothing but friendship towards him. He came with me to Holiday Girl's housewarming, she said he didn't take his eyes off me the entire night.

Sigh...

Well I will end this post here, there has been a lot going through my head...I have been thinking about Q a lot and that phase of my life. I am disappointed with how it ended with him, I still feel very hurt about being lied to for so many years but nothing can change the past and I am moving on....I am leaving you with this photograph of my breasts...lol...just cause I can!

Love you all and thank you for your support. Evening will post an update here for me after my surgery.

Facebook

2007-10-07T16:15:00.000+10:00

Well I'm sitting here writing this, sucking back Powerade (rehydrates) and relishing losing two kg's overnight.

A generous dose of food posioning/gastro will do that to you.

I came home from Holiday Girl's house at 2am and was sick more or less straight away. Lucky it didn't start on the car trip home since it's nearly an hours drive....lol.

I think it's the pre-op drugs that are making this a bit worse than it would have been.

But now I'm home, all snuggled up in my dresssing gown (over my business suit!), sitting down to do some work, I feel better. Thank god I work from home!

Three sleeps until the surgery now, Monday will be chaotic with work, and Tuesday probably will too, which means it will all go fast - good!

Is anyone else out there addicted to Facebook?

Californication...

2007-10-01T23:45:00.001+10:00

"You're just an analogue stuck in a digital world aren't you?"

What a fabulous line...Californication, tonight's episode - love it! As for Duchovny...sigh...there is just something about him...

Life is still truckin along as per...no School Girl M this week, she has gone to the Dark Side for second half of the school holidays, as per the custody agreement. Despite the fact we were getting on each others nerves something wicked, Imiss her like crazy already. I'm sure you parents out there can relate...lol.

I have started my pre-surgery cocktail of drugs, they make me a bit jittery, that compounded with a lack of sleep makes for a somewhat strung Mermaid. I am oscillating from ridiculous amounts of nervous energy to lying on couch wallowing in Oprah.

I can't believe I just admitted to that...LOL.

Took the new fabulous iPod for a run at the gym today...it passed all my tests and it looked oh so cute clipped onto my yoga pants. *happy sigh*

I might have to HNT with it...my new best friend...my life is funny.

This is random typing tonight, I can't sleep, I feel blah with a sore tummy and have been thinking a lot about next week. It is only eight days away now...wow.

This weekend is Holiday Girl's house warming, in amongst the chaos of the last twelve months she built a house (not personally...builders actually hammered and nailed it...lol). It is a beautiful home, four bedrooms, three living areas and she has such stylish taste, it is immaculately decorated.

I practically have my own room there, I have been down there the past three weeks and next weekend post-surgery she is taking both School Girl M and I down there so she can look after the both of us for the weekend. Might have to get a Mermaid Girl plaque made up for the bedroom door... it's a shame she lives a forty five minute drive away from me, it makes dropping in kind of difficult.

This seems to be the week of catch-ups with everyone before I have surgery. I have dinners out four nights this week already and endless coffee dates...mmm coffee. I have changed my steadfast Gloria Jeans alliance over to Hudsons now. Pity you can only get it in the city (an hour away) or at the airport (over an hour away)...long way to go for coffee on a Sunday morning for brunch.

After tonight it will be:

Six sleeps until surgery

Twelve weeks until Christmas Day (and on a plane to the Land of Holidays!)

Thirteen weeks until I will be out of the surgical bra and can wear normal bras and clothes again

Thirteen weeks plus five and a half months until I am back in the Land of Holidays

Deep breath...time for another go at sleeping.

Good night...

2007-09-29T17:30:00.000+10:00

School Girl M: "Mummy? Why is it called an iPod when you don't use it on your eye?"

Hmmmm....she only asks the best questions.

Did I mention my amazing bargain of the month? I bought $14 flights (quite obviously on mega-sale) to the Land of Holidays for mine and School Girl M's birthdays next year. A usual trip, even on cheap fares would cost around $500 return - this one was $64 all inclusive.

Big Freakin Bargain!

Now it looks like it will turn into a bit of a family reunion with my extended family coming from overseas to join in the fun where collectively we will be celebrating the birthdays of My Fabulous Uncle, myself, School Girl M and my grandfather - what a party! Love a party....

I have been having the maddest fun with my new iPod...it is small...it is the perfect shade of red...it does tricks and tells stories...it does the washing up...oh hang on...sorry...but it is fabulous and I am deeply in love with it.

As Fabulous Friend put it...now I can make coffee at my chilli red espresso machine whilst wearing my new red shoes and be listening to my red iPod...what a statement!

Red is definately my new pink.

H is dating someone again, which means he is being nice to me so for that I am grateful. He has already told me the problem is she wants children and he doesn't want any more. I can see a rosy future for that relationship...lol.

Ten days until surgery...haven't been sleeping again....

HNT

2007-09-27T09:06:00.000+10:00

Beautiful, Beautiful Boobies

Supporting Breast Cancer Awareness And Research

Sleep...

2007-09-19T08:08:00.001+10:00

It's Wednesday morning and I had thirteen hours sleep last night - coming on the back of almost two weeks of averaging four or so hours a night, I am pretty much feeling like a million dollars right now.

I was lying on my bed at five thirty last night talking to Holiday Girl on the phone as she was driving home from work, remarking on how tired I was, then bam, I was out for the count. Woke up at seven o'clock this morning - still on top of the bed, in my business suit with heels on (lol) and a whole heap of missed calls of my phone.

God I needed that.

So today is going to be a good day, not a whole heap happening, just piano lessons for School Girl M and myself, a wee bit of work and then some quality time with my baby girl :)

Delicious in its mundaness.

I ordered the new iPod shuffle from the Apple website. I really wanted the new red colour but you can't get them over my side of the world, but instead of settling for a second favourite colour (never!) I discovered it was actually cheaper to order it direct from the website and get it shipped from the US. How cool is that! So that should arrive tomorrow and I am ridiculously excited...lol.

Life is good...is good...is good :)

Strength Amidst Tears...

2007-09-17T22:18:00.000+10:00

Today I realised something...I am actually a really strong person.

People have been telling me it for the past eighteen or so months since H and I separated but today alone, I had four different people from different areas of my life all tell me the same thing - how they can not believe how strong I am being.

Am I?

I thought I was just doing what we all would do...putting one foot in front of the other and keeping on moving forward...accepting what I can not change and using knowledge as a form of acceptance over what I can control...

I wake up every morning and organise School Girl M for her day...I parent help at school...the children make me smile, I work...I take photographs and have meetings, I dress in black business suits with red high heeled shoes...I straighten my hair and take care with my make-up so it hides my horribly pale face and black shadows under my eyes...I say I'm fine when people ask me how I am feeling...I stand stoic when people hug me whom I don't expect it from...but this morning it came undone ever so slightly.

Last Friday one of the mothers from school died after a long battle with cancer. Today in place of school assembly the principal held a tribute service to this mother. She had been heavily involved in the school and there wasn't many dry eyes in the place. At one point the principal had to stop speaking as she was so choked up.

In amongst this all sat this School Mum's eight year old daughter. She never shed a tear, she sat there and listened to every word that was spoken, she gracefully accepted flowers from her classmates as they awkwardly stood by and thanked each speaker with her eyes shining brightly and a smile on her lips.

Whilst those around her fell to pieces, lost their voices and succumbed to emotion, this little child then stood and thanked us all. Her absolute belief that her mother was now in a better place, free of the pain and suffering she had endured for the past months was what enabled her to be at a level where others could only stare at from afar.

And afterwards there was a terrible scene with School Girl M...she realised that this girl's Mum has died, that she had gone to hospital and never come home again - her very fear for myself. She was hysterical...clung to me and wrapped her arms and legs around me and sobbed as the tears ran down inside my shirt. And although I tried so very hard not to, I felt the tears raining down my cheeks and we clung to each other.

Then her teacher came out and hugged us both as we cried. As we cried for the little girl with no mother and as we cried because for me, the reality of what is happening to me has finally hit home.

It was not the best start to a Monday.

But I am fine again now...what happens happens and I accept this. I will be coming home from the hospital and that is it.

Three weeks and two days...

Text Messages and A Degree Of Closure...

2007-09-14T18:06:00.000+10:00

Text message exchange between Q's Girlfriend and myself this afternoon...

Q's GF: "I just wanted to again thank you for coming to me and being honest with me about what was going on with (Q). I'm texting you to let you know that (Q) and I are going to try and work through this together and he will be coming back to live with me. I'm not trying to hurt you by telling you this, rather, make sure you know the truth about us this time. In light of you knowing the truth, I hope that you can respect that decision and me enough to not contact (Q) anymore. I am sorry that he hurt you so badly but I have a baby on the way and so much invested in our relationship that I have nothing left to lose by trying. Please take care (MG), my thoughts will be with you as you fight your health battles.

MG: "Thank you also for your honesty with me, it is appreciated more than I can adequately convey. As I said, (Q) is out of my life, he hurt me immeasurably and I want nothing further to do with him. I completely respect you and your decision, I think you are an amazingly strong person and I admire your determination. I wish you all the best for your future, you deserve to be respected and to be happy and I hope you find that.

Q's GF: " Oh thank you so much (MG), I truly mean that...very few people in my life have made me cry with words in a text...I'm sorry it worked out this way for you. Take care.

And thus that chapter has ended...or as Fabulous Friend termed it - time to start an entire new book :)

And tonight I am putting all of this behind me and moving forward. School Girl M and I are going out to dinner with one of the single Dad's and his little girl from school, they are good friends and I am in need of some adult company!

Three weeks and five days...two weeks of school holidays in between...it is going to be on my doorstep faster than I can blink.

Fabulous Friend

2007-09-12T12:11:00.001+10:00

This post is a thank you to Fabulous Friend...and this is why.

For two and a half years FF has been there for me. Through every single day of the affair, right from the very first day as I bounced into her office with a smile plastered across my face through to this afternoon as we caught up over coffee.

Every day.

She has listened to every word that has come out of my mouth...she has given advice when I have asked for it, then continued to listen as I haven't taken her advice then fallen on my face yet again and she has been there to pick me up, dust me off and enable me to keep going.

Hysterical phone calls late at night...her driving me around some mornings...just driving, giving me enough time to pull myself together and stop crying before we go into meetings etc.

Her dropping everything to come over with a bottle of Omni when she recognised that sharp edge of desperation in my voice yet again.

And I found out much later, during the time period I had lied to her and told her the affair had ended, if she ever was dropping in to see me unannounced and saw his car in the driveway, she would reverse her car so we never saw her and drive away. And she never said a word to me.

The irony in this all is that she always said he was sleeping with his PA whilst I was having the affair with him and various other things that would also turn out to be true, and when I vehemently denied them, she respected my opinion and never pushed the point. And when it transpired, this week, that nearly all of what she said was correct, she never once said I told you so.

And her, who has no time for tears, just sitting with me as I cried, so very often and never criticising my decisions, my actions or my reactions....simply being there for me.

That is friendship...unconditional, accepting, supportive friendship.

And today for the millionth time, but perhaps with a slightly different intensity, I realised all over again, how lucky I am to have her as my friend.

I told her this today in a card I left on her desk at work. She responded with the following text...

"Thank you for the card, if I was a crying person that would have made me cry"

It is a personal joke between us that neither of us hug the other and she doesn't cry...

Understanding that I knew how touched she was by what I had written.

And she deserves the thanks of every word I wrote.

For being there for me, for your unconditional support...thank you.

Cry - Part Three

2007-09-11T22:04:00.000+10:00

Tonight I put on James Blunt and I read my archives.

And finally the tears came.

And with it came the hurt of betrayal.

I feel like he has taken away everything I have held close to heart for the past two and a half years...like it was all a lie...I feel like he has stripped me of my memories and left me with nothing but a disjointed view on reality.

He lied to me.

He told me I was the only one...the lines he used on me...the pet names he called me...he used them all on her as well - at the same time.

The tears I cried over this man...but above all else - the belief I had in us...whilst there never actually was an us.

I was so stupid.

Everything I read in his eyes...what I chose to hear from his lips...how I interpreted his words...the depth of intensity of his looks, his caresses.

God.

I have been living a lie for so long.

He broke my heart, not by leaving but with his deception...because that was always the 'other' part of our lives...it didn't apply to us...we were 'real'..what we felt was so real...whilst everything else merely existed...we were alive together.

Yet all that time he was lying to me.

All day I have felt so sick.

And as a parting gesture he took with him my memories because now none of that ever existed, it was all a lie...a suspended moment in time that we all inhabited.

What a waste of my life.

Cry - Part Two

2007-09-10T16:20:00.000+10:00

We met. It took three hours, and even then it only ended because I had to go to work.

Is it strange to say we were quite similar? Perhaps. Or perhaps not.

Q had told me he was staying with her because of the child, that they slept in separate rooms, that, most recently she had moved out (the day she called me).

Whilst he was setting this particular scene for me he was also indulging in some pretty graphic text messages, photo's of himself etc which he was sending to me on a fairly regular basis.

When he was feeling low he would call and remind me how I was the only person who had ever mattered to him, how we had a connection that he would never find with anyone else...etc etc etc.

As recently as Saturday afternoon he was busy telling me he was coming to see me this week, that it was all over with his girlfriend...he wanted to see me...had to see me...

Recent conversations with him included "tell me how badly you want me (MG)...up against the wall with your legs wrapped around my waist"..."remember that (office block) with you on your knees, my cock in your mouth...how you looked me in the eyes as you swallowed every last drop"..."Christ (MG) I want to fuck you from behind, hard and fast and deep".

Repeatedly I asked him what was happening with her...he oscillated wildly between contemplating going back to her to conceding failure (yet again) and moving on.

She had some very interesting things to tell me, most of which I am choosing to try and forget, the odd tibit had a particular sting.

Apparently I was not the only person he was having an affair with during that time period he was still with his wife. Out of anything I heard in that three hour meeting, incomparably that fucking hurt the most.

The most the most the most...I'm still a bit numb over that.

But all I had to tell her she already suspected or knew. He has been living with her, flirting with me, seeing god knows who else and lying to and using both of us.

And for ever believing a word that came out of his mouth - we are both fools.

Meeting with her allowed me to see so many things for what they truly are, for seeing exactly how tangled his web of lies had become to the point where the life he had described to me as having was quite simply so far removed from reality - right down to who he worked with, where he lived, the little things that he didn't even need to be cagey about.

The meeting ended with two sad and slightly lost people who had both been done over by the same person. And she has no idea that I just wasted two and a half years of my life on this man.

My gut instinct is that they will end up back together...he sent me a filthy text today. I deleted it. He is hurting. We all are. Her picking up the phone and calling me that day three weeks ago just uncovered the tip of the ice burg - for all of us.

So Q is no longer in my life and I feel quite free. I did what I perceived to be the right thing. I was honest with her and in return she respected my honesty and I respected hers, even though what we both had to say was what neither of the other wanted to hear.

We both walked away knowing, moralistically we both did what was best. And like she said, if she chooses to go back to him now it will be an educated decision, knowing all the facts and with her eyes wide open. And as I walk away from this chapter in my life, although it stings to be ending this with Q on such a horrid note (and god it hurts), I leave knowing the truth about what he is really like, what our affair truly meant to him and having a true perspective on him as a person.

After so very very many false endings...this truly is it. And when you end something seeing a person's true colours - there is no desire to ever relive that. Ever.

And tonight I shall open a bottle of wine and shed a few last tears for what was, because at the height of it, it was worth it but as life goes once it had run it's course, circumstances changed...marriages ended...lives were unrecognisable to the shape they once took...custody battles were won and lost...but above all else...people changed.

I did and so did Q.

From my heart to that of a man who I no longer even know...goodbye.

Cry

2007-09-09T14:44:00.000+10:00

I am doing something that I suspect I probably shouldn't be doing.

There has been a lot of things happening since the episode with Q's pregnant PA girlfriend phoning me etc and it is difficult to concisely explain them...but as an attempt....

Q is deliberating whether she will be his future or not.

No-one thinks he should go back to her, the main reasons seem to be she is very similar to his ex-wife in her obsessive possessiveness, her paranoia that he is cheating (he wasn't) and her fixation that he shall be accountable to her for every minute of his day. He is not happy with her and if she wasn't pregnant he would have left her by now (self admitted).

Why is he considering staying? Because he is already riding on the wave of failure that includes a failed first relationship from when he was very young that ended with a child...a failed marriage during which his self esteem was stripped from him...that ended with two children...and now this pregnancy. He wants to "do the right thing"..."try and make it work".

Warning bells already at that choice of language.

Tomorrow I am having coffee with the pregnant PA Girlfriend...and I have two choices.

1. Respect his quasi made decision to give it a go with her and tell her that there was never anything between us, yes he lied to her about speaking to me but that was all innocent and I thought she knew we were friends...he is committed to giving it a go with her and if she sees me as that much of a threat then I will step out of his life and let them get on with their lives together.

2. Be honest with her. Show her the texts he sent me whilst they were together...tell her truthfully that I did not have any idea about the pregnancy or even how serious they were (he did tell me it was a casual thing). Not be nasty in any senseless way, merely honest.

Does she deserve to know the truth and know he has been lying to her and to me for the entire time they have been together and that their relationship and if he gets his way - their future relationship has been and would be, based on lies?

Or do I lie and acknowledge that it is for the greater good and let him go and do this, and if it doesn't work out then I had no part in the undoing of it.

If I was her would I prefer honesty - even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear, or would I simply want the person I have cited as being responsible for the breakdown of my relationship with the man who is the father of my unborn child; to give me her word that I am vacating his life, thus no longer posing a 'threat' (be that real or imagined) to her and her future plans.

I like to believe I would want honesty, because I do think that with most things if the foundation is shaky and built on lies then it will eventually come unstuck in the end....so if not now then some time in the future, when both of them have been hurt even more - it could end.

Maybe it's not my place to make that decision for them and I need to choose choice number one and let them make their own mistakes, respect his decision to lie to her even if I do not agree with it.

After all, although she has dragged me in to this, it is not my life and I am not the one pregnant and uncertain as to where her future lies.

Christ, this is so fucked.

Ten thirty Monday morning...I feel sick already.

Cry - James Blunt

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel a fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have lived through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

Rollercoasters...

2007-09-05T20:45:00.000+10:00

Right now my life seems to have more twists and turns than a rollercoaster at Disneyland...

Sunday was Fathers Day over my side of the world...and with it came another stunning effort from H.

I am too tired of the whole situation to explain it adequately but the highlight was him standing on my front doorstep with School Girl M next to him whilst he yelled at me that I was a "fucking mole" and how "I hope you die of this cancer you bitch".

And he wonders why School Girl M was hysterical for the entire afternoon to the point where he actually had to bring her back to me because she didn't believe I would be alive when she eventually returned.

Collateral damage includes her falling to pieces in class every day this week so far...tears...separation anxiety and finally aggression.

This is my little baby....the youngest child at her school, little blond haired muchkin who is so cute in her uniform that people stop me in the street to comment on her...and now she is becoming aggressive.

My response to this all?

MG: (steely look) "(H) if I ever needed a reason, a motivation to get me through surgery, to ensure I will come home to my baby...you have just given it to me...because there is no way in hell I am going anywhere and leaving you to raise my daughter"

How could you ever say that to another human being? That you hope they die. Even in my most darkest of times with him last year, no matter how hurt I was, how right I felt I was and how awful I thought he was behaving - I never wished him dead (just a very very long way away).

I felt like a tiny part of my faith in humanity died that night.

Five weeks to go....

An Insurance Post...

2007-08-30T23:13:00.000+10:00

I have written a post...it is a type of insurance of sorts and it is saved to my drafts until this time period is over, then I shall publish it.

Because I have put it in writing, it shall all come true now...because that is what happens.

My surgery has been rescheduled because of hospital waiting lists here...no biggy...I'm not letting it get to me.

The countdown now sits at five weeks and six days.

So it sounds better to term it...this time in six weeks it will all be over and I will know where my life is heading.

More blood tests tomorrow...my poor veins...I have very pale skin so the bruises tend to go through the colour spectrum before they finally fade. Sometimes I think I look like a druggie.

My specialist appointment yesterday was supposed to be for an hour...I was still there two and a half hours later. She found four large cysts in my breasts but they are the least of her worries so that was another non-biggy.

For those of you who don't know (this is directed at men and I am so completely dissassociated from my body right now so bear with me)...having a breast examination when you are (wildly) premenstrual hurts like hell. Lots of deep prodding with sharp fingers as you try (very hard) not to grimace visibly.

Ouch...

I received the most stunning delivery of flowers yesterday from one of my clients and what made me smile the hardest (through my tears) was the giant packet of mini chocolate bars tied to the front with a big pink ribbon. How well they know me...lol.

My clients have been so lovely and so understanding...in reality I expected nothing less but it is still so touching to have people I only know on a professional basis offer me such intense and practical support.

I told School Girl Mermaid...it went well, she was more interested in exactly how big my 'giant bandaid' was going to be and if she could touch it. Then she went to school and told everyone at news time that "My Mummy is going to have a GIANT bandaid on her (snicker)...BOOBS!!!"

Much snickering took place on the school mat that particular morning...LOL. Always glad to provide the entertainment.

I am filling my days with work...I have taken on an extra cash job doing accounting for a week or so....good money and it distracts me. It is working for Fabulous Photographer Friend's mother and she is a wise woman...I have had the chance to verbalise so much of what has been trapped in my head and that has helped immensely.

I was fitted for my post surgery bra when I went to the specialist...that was VERY amusing...the look on my face must have been priceless because the nurse fell about laughing (they are all very positive and funny at the clinic). She told me it was "like a nursing bra". To which I replied..."a what?"...School Girl M was a bottle fed baby from the moment she was born. Point being I had never seen a bra like this up close and personal - thank god!!

I have to wear this contraption for TWELVE WEEKS...of which the first six weeks will be for twenty four hours a day. Mmmm...two weeks in the Land of Holidays with me in a horrid look-a-like Nursing Bra. I should be grateful I will be surviving cancer? Absolutely...(this bra has to be seen to be believed....)

And I end this post with a smile on my face :)

Phone calls

2007-08-27T12:18:00.000+10:00

I need to be blogging...I am not sleeping, my head is bursting with too many thoughts and I am emotionally overloaded.

I need to tell School Girl Mermaid that I will be going to hospital, yet I don't know when to do it.

She is so smart...too smart. Do I tell her now and allow her enough time to think it over and be here for her when she has questions or needs the security of her mother....or do I tell her when it's over?

I could actually do the latter if I wanted as she will be with H for his access time when I am in hospital...yet I want to respect her as well, what if something happens and I have to stay longer and she comes home to the news that I'm not there because I'm in hospital? No warning...

Today I read Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About The Bike. Amazing book but not the best thing for me to read right now. It actually just succeeded in making things worse in my mind...because as it goes, my imagination tends to be my worst enemy.

Today I went shopping and bought the Willow Tree ornament of Mother and Daughter. I have wanted it for a while now but have been waiting for a significant occasion. This probably wasn't quite what I had envisaged but it merely takes on a different and more powerful symbolism now. The figurine is of a mother and her daughter hugging and as I sit here and write this I am looking at it...and I see myself and my beautiful child.

And one...only the one....tear falls and slides a slow and aching path down my cheek.

And in amongst this all...I get a psychotic phone call from Q's girlfriend, accusing me of having an affair with him. She was screaming at me down the phone, then she drops the bombshell...

The Girlfriend: "I don't suppose (Q) bothered to tell you that I am six months pregnant with his baby?"

MG: (oh so calmly) "No, he didn't"

Whilst I felt like my heart was breaking.

Then she started a tirade, so I quietly hung the phone up, curled into a little ball on the sofa and sobbed.

This was two hours after I found out I have cancer.

I haven't seen Q since last year, almost twelve months ago now, we speak on the phone once a month or so. Nothing of significance.

Then she sends me the following text:

"(MG), (Q's Girlfriend) here. I am sending (Q) to stay with you, it seems you want each other enough, you deserve each other too. I suggest you both get some professional help because you both can't help yourselves but fuck other peoples lives and relationships up as some kind of cheap thrill. Well (MG), well done, you won the game and (Q) is your prize. Cheers for taking him off my hands, you're doing me a favour"

She had a fixation that he was cheating on her, for god knows what reason she decided it was with me, so she tapped into his phone records on the internet and called every number she didn't know (I kid you not) until she found the one call to my home number he has ever made. If you look hard enough you will always find the 'proof' you need to substantiate you suspicion.

Then she left him. And cited me as the reason.

I might as well have been sleeping with him if I'm getting blamed for all of this.

I had fallen into a quasi relationship with Trainer Boy and it all ended last night. Horrible and very hurtful things were said until we reached the point where I knew I could take no more or this. We are very different people and it's fun when we are casual etc but right now I don't need casual, I need support from my friends, not judgment for how I could be handling this differently.

I have never had cancer before - I don't know how to do this. Right now I feel like there was how I coped with my life before my diagnosis and there is now - and somehow the same principles etc don't seem to work anymore.

Cancer does not discriminate. I wish it did. How can I be twenty nine, be the healthiest and fittest I have been in years and this happens now?

I do not understand this and I need to understand so I can figure out how to fight it.

The Countdown To Surgery...

2007-08-23T20:08:00.000+10:00

Surgery is booked on the 18th September. Specialist appointments more or less weekly between now and then.

They are cautiously optimistic it is non-invasive cancer and will get it all with just surgery, which means no chemo. That will obviously depend on what they find when they open me up but I am feeling positive.

I have been warned that they will probably take a large portion of both breasts, that I can cope with - I never liked them anyway!

Three weeks and five days to go...

2007-08-15T08:39:00.000+10:00

I'll be back in a couple of months....thank you for all your good wishes and support., and when I return I will be healthy...I shall I shall I shall...because sheer determination will see me through this.

Goodbye...

2007-08-03T18:54:00.000+10:00

I think it's time for my blogging journey to come to an end.

It's been over two years now (!)...

Through the emotional turmoil and heartache of the affair with my Q-Boy...through my marriage break-up and subsequent court and custody battles for my beautiful daughter and in recent times simply a diary of sorts through my various attempts at finding someone special, and failing miserably each time!

I have to laugh at myself when I read back over old entries - so much angst and such intensity of emotion! Yet at the time it was all so consuming....so real.

Thank god it rarely is, although that profound knowledge is only usually gained after the fact.

Now there are things happening in my life that need my attention, the lump in my breast has returned and after an ultrasound, blood tests and a biopsy the doctor is deeming it necessary to operate.

I am posting this here because I do not know what my breast will look like after surgery...but this is how I want to remember it looking...I am twenty nine years old....my daughter is five years old and nothing will stop me being here to watch her grow up...I don't care if my body is scarred and battered, I don't care what they will find when they open me up...how they remove it...all I want is to open my eyes up at the end of this all and know I am going home to my baby.

I shall not go into that any further here though, these thoughts are remaining inside my mind for now...which is how it must be.

So for all of you who have ever read my humble little blog...for those of you who left me comments and emails...and for those special people who through all the ups and downs of the past two years of my life have shown me such tremendous support - thanks to you all and I shall always remember this part of my life with a smile.

Love and kisses to everyone and thanks for coming along for the ride, I'll miss each one of you.

Mermaid Girl

xxx

Overloading

2007-08-01T09:06:00.000+10:00

Mid winter cold...absolutely everyone has it - School Girl Mermaid even had two days off school for the first time ever.

The week that was...

After a manic ant invasion (re: wake up in the night and find ants crawling on your face...urgh) the house was due to get sprayed. The only day the exterminator can do it is Wednesday afternoon and we can't go back for four days afterwards (lots of ants...strong poison inside and out). So School Girl M and I stay at Fabulous Friend's house - in a double bed together.

I do not like sharing a bed with anyone...

I awoke at six am to the sound of School Girl M vomiting in the bed next to me...that was enough to make me move pretty damn fast. After surveying the damage (massive) I packed her up and we returned to the ant poisoned house - I don't think we were that welcome at Fab Friends anymore...lol.

As it goes....

Then H, being a perpetually whinging male who never simply has a cold, but instead is always dying...comes down with a head cold. It was his weekend with School Girl M so even though I was sick too, as was she, I had her for the entire weekend whilst he phoned periodically to tell me how sick he was.

Die in peace already!

So now it's Wednesday and I have gone through so many boxes of tissues I think I'm single handedly keeping Kleenex in business.

I'm having issues with Friend With Benefits. As it turn out - oh and as history also shows - I am not very good at merely having a fuck buddy and them remaining just that.

This guy is seriously cool and I really like him, and I am completely aware of how ridiculously inarticulate I am sounding right now...lol.

But he is in a messy place and his children don't particularly like me (they resent the time he spends with me) and to be honest I really don't want to get involved with something long term that could end up with three children (including School Girl M). That's just not my scene. As I told him last week I am an adult and the time I have away from my child I do adult things and I need that time for myself. The few times there has been all of us together it has been chaos and although his children are nice, it is a completely different ball game going from one quiet child whom you can basically do what you want with, go anywhere etc, to three noisy children who all want to do something different at the same time etc.

It was chaos...and every time I just get stressed.

Call me anal but I like just having one child and the control that comes with it. School Girl M and I go to cafes for breakfast before going shopping then to the library to feed the ducks. On a whim we can pack up the car and vanish for the weekend or we can order pizza and not move off the couch for the night. We combine child and adult things quite nicely and I can go anywhere with her and she thinks it is great. That is completely lost when you add other children to the mix and I really didn't enjoy myself. Add to this also an annoyingly unpredictable ex-wife who likes to use the children to manipulate FWB and make him look like a bad parent. I so don't want to go back to playing that particular game, it was bad enough when H was engaged to Head Case and that was her idea of fun.

And truly, that is only indicative of things to come if I continued with FWB.

I am not sure that is how I want my life to be.

I guess I feel a little bit ashamed of myself that I am not willing to take on someone else's children yet eventually I would expect someone to accept School Girl M - I am aware of how hypocritical that makes me and I'm not happy about it, yet I also think I shouldn't settle for second best just because I think that that is what having a child means I should do.

I also owe it to her to be happy so I am then, in turn, a positive role model for her - and let's face it, after one unhappy marriage - who wants an unhappy relationship and if the warning bells are ringing this early on...well.

Overloading....

It's Going!

2007-07-17T22:04:00.000+10:00

In the past two weeks I have lost over two kg (about five pound)...I am feeling better about myself...am finally stopping craving Margaritas...although last week after a truly horrid day at work I went on a bender...

It consisted of Fabulous Friend...her son (who I am moving in with in a couple of months time) and Trainer Boy (who has graduated to being Friend With Benefits - yeah that was only a matter of time...lol).

I drank a ridiculous amount of alcohol...passed out in Soon To Be Housemate's bed (at Fab Friend's house) whilst he slept on the sofa...I woke up screaming about an imaginary spider running across the wall at 4am...it was a bit of a sorry state of affairs...lol.

Have had a crazy couple of days catching up with people...some blasts from the past included PA Boy...my fabulous Super Slut (who will always define the true spirit of the Land Of Holidays, to me) and various other friends who seem to have fallen by the wayside of late.

I received a text from my friend tonight saying her Nana passed away tonight, this is the friend who lost her mother earlier this year to cancer after a long and very sad battle. Although I am losing my beautiful grandfather it has made me so grateful that, at least for now, he is here with us. He had his last treatment of radiotherapy today...and now we wait.

Another milestone happened today...almost innoculously so. My Sister In Law...whom I was always so close to and she stopped talking to me last year when I took H to court (she is his SIL too, married to his brother so not blood related to him)...well I bumped into her at the local shopping centre last week and she suggested "lunch to mend some burnt bridges".

I have to be honest, I was really apprehensive...as some of you may remember, losing her friendship was one of the things that hit me the hardest in amongst everything that happened at that time. Lunch went ok, she alternated between being defensive then apologetic for the past. I didn't talk a lot, just let her say what she needed/wanted to. I could see she really wanted me to give her reassurance that she didn't hurt me, that she had actually acted in everyone's best interests etc. I just couldn't do it.

As I listened to her voice all I could hear was her last words to me on the phone..and I felt the hurt well up in all over again...like it hadn't been eight months since I sat on the end of my bed with my arms wrapped tightly around myself and cried bitter hot tears as I realised exactly how wide spread the repercussions of my decision truly were.

But I do not regret that decision, nor will I ever. No one will ever raise their hand to me and my child...if they are my husband or a complete stranger...and I will never ever make any excuses for defending my child in the safest way possible.

So lunch ended with SIL telling me she is pregnant with her third child..me hiding a smile as she then proceeded to tell me how much debt her and her husband are in etc. Some things really don't change.

I guess I feel a degree of closure tonight, it is good.

Balance :)

Training - time to kick some serious arse...love it!

HNT

2007-07-11T17:46:00.000+10:00

This is a few hours early but it's Wednesday night on my side of the world and I'm heading out for the night...

HNT

2007-07-05T23:43:00.000+10:00

Happy HNT...it's been a while

I Shall

2007-06-28T10:36:00.000+10:00

Still here...detoxing...shaky and headachy...coming down off the massive amounts of sugar I have been pumping into my body every day.

Sunday was horrid, I lay in bed and whinged to anyone that had the misfortune of phoning me...I had pins and needles in my hands and after a session at the gym I was ready to crawl into a black cave never to return.

But now it's Thursday and I'm still alive, been drinking lots of vegetable soup (homemade oh so lovingly by Trainer Boy) and am heading to the gym today.

I shall lose this weight.

Shall...shall...shall.

In other news...six weeks after New Person and I break up for the final time, he has a mini breakdown, was diagnosed with depression and is now in therapy. It was more involved than I care to recount other than to say it was a very draining time for me to the point where I felt I was being stalked by him (re: endless phone calls to the point where I had to turn my mobile off...turning up on my doorstep late at night and not leaving when I ask him to). I actually started staying at different people's houses to get away from him.

I called his best friend and told him everything...asked him to take over...NP was very angry at me but he needs to realise that he can't pin all his hopes on us getting back together and use that as his motivation to get through the depression. I am not the right person to support him through this.

He is calling less now...which is a positive sign.

The Master Plan

2007-06-22T18:16:00.000+10:00

So the serious weight loss begins tomorrow. My Trainer (as he shall be known) took me out food shopping today and did some serious nutrition education with me. It was severe in that I want to lose weight, so my food options are so much more limited than I originally thought.

Crap food..lol...this will take me a while to get used to.

The basic gist of this goes (tune out if you really don't care, I won't be offended...lol)

Breakfast is oats with either Soy milk (fresh) or low fat yoghurt.

Lunch is my carbs (one slice of bread) and a salad.

Dinner is protein (fish, steak or chicken) with steamed vegetables.

Snacks (twice daily) are fruit.

Low carb, high protein and eating reguarly throughout the day. If I stick to it and keep up the current level of exercise (gymed it up four times this week so far!) then basically the weight has to come off.

Oh, and did I mention no alcohol?

Yup...and there spells the end of my love affair with Margaritas.

Tonight I have arranged a girl's night out dinner where I will have my final bender with strawberry Margaritas and a mountain of chocolate mousse. Dinner may feature in there somewhere, but hey...wouldn't want to take up valuable tummy space.

I am aiming to lose half a kilo per week (about 1.1lb I think) over three months...I have bought scales (first time I have owned them!) and a food diary and calorie counter etc...now it just comes down to my self restraint.

Did I also mention I had a packet of chocolate chip biscuits for breakfast, three fudge brownies for lunch and a Margarita for afternoon tea?

Yeah...watch this space...in a few days it may very well be filled with the incoherent ramblings of a person in serious withdrawl.

Back I Go....

2007-06-14T08:31:00.000+10:00

And because I am so lucky...this weekend I am going back, once again, to the Land of Holidays for a couple of nights.

The guy I met who was a contestant on the Biggest Loser has been training me four times a week (I'm getting my arse kicked!) and he has to go over to Holiday Land for show committments so I am going with him.

Land of Holidays....Land of Holidays....Land of Holidays....

*happy sigh*

I have made my Uncle a beautiful photo frame of nine photographs I took on the weekend of his graduation. He doesn't know I even have these photographs and they include photographs of him and his son (whom he has recently started seeing after having little contact with since he was a baby), so there are some precious memories there. I can't wait to see the look on his face :)

I have found a photograph of me, taken in Holiday Land last July when Holiday Girl and I escaped for our girl's weekend. It is my goal photo for what I hope to look like in two months time after all this training and nutrition work etc. I am posting it here as an incentive to myself to stick to the regime.

My theory goes that this is wholly achievable because I have done it once, therefore I can do it again.

And to the person who asked me a while ago about the weight loss pills I was trying. They were called Fat Blaster and they didn't really work for me. They put a lot of stress on your heart and basically work by filling your stomach up so you feel full and eat less. They didn't work for me because I am an emotional eater and it doesn't matter if I was bursting at the seams, I'd still be putting the food in my mouth.

Back again next week...with a smile on my face once again :)

Graduating and Graduation

2007-06-04T08:30:00.000+10:00

It was a magical trip, filled with family - it was one of the first times that I have truly understood the pull of family in that context, from my father's side....and it was something special.

We threw a huge party for my uncle in honour of his graduation (Doctor of Philosophy)...everyone neglected to tell me I had been nominated to do the speech until it was actually speech time - by which point I was slightly drunk...lol. But I must have done something right because several people cried... and everyone seemed happy.

The highlight of the trip for me?

Significant moments included watching my Uncle place his graduation robe and cap on and look in the mirror for the first time....the joy on my grandfathers face at having all of us together, four generations of family from around the world...meeting my cousin for the first time (I have only three cousins) and finding someone very similar to me....

But above all else was this exchanged I witnessed on graduation day...

Grandfather: (with tears in his eyes and his voice choked with emotion) "I am SO proud of you son"

Uncle: (hugging him tightly) "You made me everything I am Dad"

And with that I had to excuse myself and go and have a bit of a sob in the other room.

And after a whirlwind four days I am back in reality and as usual the Land of Holidays seems like an entire world away....

Leaving On A Jet Plane

2007-05-31T08:39:00.000+10:00

I leave for the airport in an hours time...and by this afternoon I would have escaped this crazy winter weather (it's currently torrenting down with rain here...windy to the point of destructiveness and oh so cold) and I will be sitting on a beach enjoying temperatures at least twice what I am now and running around barefoot with a glass of wine in my hand.

Long live holidays!

I'll be back next week (short break)...make sure you all behave...lol.

Love & Kisses

The Magic Of Birthdays

2007-05-17T11:44:00.000+10:00

D (aka Very Unimpressed Mother) had the baby in the early hours of yesterday morning...on my birthday, so now the great unknown (or Baby Stripes as I had taken to calling her tummy) is now officially become a boy, named Harrison.

My birthday was fabulous - a billion gazillion times happier than last years (couldn't be hard - getting teeth pulled with no anaesthetic would have preferable to last years train wreck).

After a day of minimum work and lots of play, I went out to dinner with Fabulous Friend and drunk a bucket load of strawberry Margaritas - funnily enough at the restaurant owned by a contestant from this season's Biggest Loser, so I got to have a (slightly inebriated) chat with him about the show and the training etc, which was fascinating.

New Person picked me up later and we went out for drinks (strawberry champagne this time)...which lead to a night of drinking until the early hours of this morning when I crawled into bed to capture an elusive few hours sleep before School Girl M returned and I had to parent help in her class.

The hangover is minimal...I have eaten twelve chocolate fudge biscuits today which is helping and now I sit here and write this and watch the rain fall and signify that autumn is over and the horrid cold winter is setting in.

Next week will be one year since I moved into my little house...

I received the call yesterday I have been holding my breath waiting for...in six weeks time I will start an ongoing contract with two offices, having bided my time with these particular clients (two years!!) and now it will be paying dividends as it will be lucrative and should provide me with at least a large part of the financial security I need right now.

I think I may just believe in the magic of birthdays once again.

Haircuts cont...

2007-05-11T08:29:00.000+10:00

So in the continuing saga of the Hair Dresser Mermaid....

Little Friend is picked up by her Very Unimpressed Mother and taken to her hairdresser to have her hair fixed up. It is now one inch long all over - it is hard to look at her without laughing (the kind of desperate omg I can't believe I am partially responsible for that massacre type of laugh). Little Friend's father was Less Than Impressed also...the parents ended up in a big fight over it (hormonal nine months pregnant Mum and ever so slightly irritated Dad) when he decided it would be a good idea to go outside and chop some kindling for the wood fire.

Change scene to Slightly Unimpressed Dad lying on the freezing ground outside in indescribable agony, having cut clean through his Achilles tendon with the axe.

It made me wince even typing those words.

So he has had emergency surgery...the Mum is still hanging onto that baby and Little Friend still looks like an axe could have done a better job on her hair.

Lol.

Brother I Adore is getting married this weekend, to the horrible girlfriend. I wasn't invited (registry office wedding as he is taking an overseas job in two weeks and she gets more benefits if she goes as his wife). I cried when I got off the phone...the thoughts I have about her are too horrible to write, even here.

My grandparents are here now - it was a shock to see how much my grandfather has slowed down. We went out to lunch and he couldn't walk far at all, Gran had to take his arm - I hadn't realised....it made me sad.

It's the day of the fabulous fifth birthday party tomorrow...we are all so excited - I have never been excited about School Girl Mermaid's parties before - but this one is going to be so lovely,for the first time ever I will have some members of my family there, so it's not just about H and his family.

To those of you who celebrate Mothers Day this weekend - enjoy your special day :)

2007-05-05T13:10:00.000+10:00

Going on a holiday!!!

Back to the place where Holiday Girl and I usually escape to...this time with School Girl M and I...

It will be a family reunion of sorts. My Uncle is graduating with his PhD so family is flying over from my home country, it will be the first time ever that we have all been together - the only one missing unfortunately will be my father, he has gone overseas again to work...but this can't be helped.

The airfares are booked...the car is hired and I am all ready to go!!! God I am excited...this time I can actually go and not have the stress of H in the back of my mind.

My beautiful grandparents arrive next week, my grandfather's chemo will begin after this trip - I can not actually quite believe I will get to see him again. I have a vision of him, in my mind, how he looked at the airport when I told him I loved him, when I said my goodbyes to him thinking that this would be the last time I saw him. Knowing I will see him again makes me believe in second chances...it is making me emotional even writing these words.

School Girl M has her fifth birthday party whilst my grandparents are here...fifteen children...a pink love heart cake with hot pink flowers and her name etc written on it. The problem is that whilst Little Friend was here, they played hairdresser and gave each other haircuts.

With REAL SCISSORS.

Fuck.

I was sitting here waiting for D to come and pick up Little Friend when I suddenly noticed School Girl Mermaid's hair. She has a freakin mullet!!! (Insert swearing on my part) She has glorious long blond hair that save the odd trim, has never been cut.

OMFG...her birthday party photographs, she will have a mullet in them.

I seriously do not know whether to laugh or cry.

Or both perhaps.

A Pregnant Friend

2007-05-04T19:32:00.000+10:00

It's Friday night...and I am the epitome of a single parent.

School Girl has a little friend to stay for a sleep over - it is the first time she has had a friend to stay overnight...we are an hour and a half into it and I am ready to crawl into bed and go to sleep (bugger them, they have free reign of the house...anything - just leave me alone dammit!)

Little Friend School Girl has a Mum (D) who is nine months pregnant...she has been having labour pains for twenty four hours now, she collapsed leaving school today after dropping off Little Friend (I was cautiously optimistic as my bet in the sweepstake pool was on her giving birth today!) yet she has hung on...lol...not by choice, she is at that point where she just wants that damn baby out of her body no matter what it takes.

My parenting skills have gone out the window tonight...we have had pizza for the second night running (we usually have pizza about once a month or so) and I am looking at the bottom of my third glass of Omni. D is going to text if she goes into labour tonight so I can have Little Friend for the entire weekend - bugger the sweepstakes, I told her to cross her legs until Monday!

The above photo is actually D's tummy...I shot it a few nights ago...in a week or so she will look the photo and laugh...in a month or so she will look at it and marvel that she was ever that size. Today she looked at it and sighed...a big deep sigh that reverberated through my memories of being that pregnant.

I admire her for going back a second time to do this...more than I can adequately convey to her.

Musings

2007-04-29T22:45:00.000+10:00

I was watching Greys Anatomy tonight when the following thought occurred to me...

Why is it that we hurt the people we love?

Yes, that was an incredibly cliche moment to be having such a realisation but nevertheless...

I look at what New Person and I share...it is crazy, confusing and most of the time pretty emotionally destructive - yet I keep going back.

I was talking to H about relationships today - he was dissecting his relationship with the Psychotic Ex Girlfriend and I was generically musing over NP's traits when we quite randomnly drew the same conclusion about us as individuals - we tolerated so much in our respective relationships that we never would have put up with in our marriage.

Bizarre but quite true.

What made this happen?

Not too sure...I put it in the too hard basket to join School Girl M's questions of the week that included why doesn't God die, can kittens pick their noses with their tongues like her (teenage) Uncle can and if the moon really is made of rock then why doesn't it fall out of the sky (ever tried explaining the intricacies of space to a four year old??)

NP has taken to leaving me messages declaring how much he misses me...I am a bit confused - I thought we had broken up. The casually seeing each other (re: booty calls) wasn't really working out when he planted his lazy arse on my couch again and was still there eight days later (and I kid you not when I actually say - he did not leave the house during that time). I threw him out of my house Thursday night when he was being a selfish prat but I guess my message of "we are over don't come back" missed it's mark because by the tone of those messages we are still in this weird unhealthy quasi relationship that I was trying to get away from.

I hosted a dinner party on Saturday night - a real grown up - strictly no children - let's pretend we have a life outside of being parents - and of course girls only - dinner party.

I went all out with handwritten invitations and place cards...a beautiful table setting sprinkled with tiny gold love hearts and organza gift bags with candles inside, set at each place and a complete home cooked meal enjoyed with uninterrupted conversation (those of you who are parents will appreciate the luxury of that!).

It is just so amazing what secrets people have in their closets that a few glasses of bubbles will unlock. The company was School Mum's plus Holiday Girl and when they left I had plenty to muse about for the days to come...it reinforced a timeless valuable lesson - to never put people into boxes, that by doing so you could really miss out on truly knowing amazing sides of your friends.

I have been to the gym five times this week - and I ate a jumbo bag of M&M's for breakfast.

Life is good :)

2007-04-16T09:44:00.000+10:00

The Menu

Dinner:

A tangle of arms and legs on the couch....feverish lips pressed against each other....moving slowly then faster as I lose my breath and my head starts to spin it's delicious descent into glorious frenetic sex.

Dessert:

My legs spread and hands facing down on the kitchen bench. His hot breath on the back of my neck and the sensation of his hands wrapped around my hips as he slowly and deliberately fucks me. I watch my fingers curl responsively then flatten as I come...unexpectedly.

And as I was engaging in all of this a line from a song kept running through my head...

"It's a fine line between pleasure and pain...do it once and you'll do it again"

Shameless hussy who has all the fun? Totally.

2007-04-14T17:17:00.000+10:00

Life is funny in it's irony...

H and I seem to have come in a partial circle - which compared to the polar opposites we have been existing in over the past ten months is a somewhat welcome relief.

I don't want to dwell too much on it or I feel it will jinx it - as ever what exists between him and myself is very delicate. But right now, parenting is a lot easier and the positive effect that is having on School Girl M is so great to witness.

I accidentally slept with New Person. Four times. But damn it was worth it - sex with him is just so delicious. But we are still not together - which is good...very good.

I haven't spoken much to Q....he is hibernating still, grieving for the loss of his father...for the break down of his marriage. I feel for the place he is in.

Life is smiley right now...and that's the way I like it :)

P.S - How freakin fabulous are the Dixie Chicks?? I an totally in awe of their attitude...

2007-04-10T09:55:00.000+10:00

I didn't actually think next time would be that night...lol.

We were still drinking at 3am...I got up off Holiday Girl's sofa at lunchtime and took my poor alcohol abused body home where I spent the day in bed with another litre tub of Gelati and more Easter chocolates before the drinking began for another night.

Today it is work again - I am feeling the effects of three nights of drinking and precious little sleep and the prospect of going to the gym is looking very very b-o-r-i-n-g.

Happy Easter!

2007-04-08T07:17:00.000+10:00

I had a bit of a bender last night...I have had four hours sleep and now it is Easter morning and I have been up since six am getting ready for School Girl M to wake up.

The eggs are hidden...the video camera charged with a new disk in it...I am dressed and ready to rock and roll - yet the princess sleeps in!

Just like Christmas all over again...lol.

If I wasn't so vain I'd take a photo of my eyes for posterity as to exactly how shocking I look after last nights drinking effort.

New Person came over - I drank and he didn't. It was less than amusing. Right now I just want to crawl back into bed and forget last night even happened. Forget four hours straight of endless freakin talking where the only outcome was the same one we have drawn all along - we are the wrong people for each other.

Urgh.

Snacking on a litre tub of lemon gelati and caramel easter eggs is never advisable when you are in my state - I drank so much that I haven't even reached the hungover stage yet, I think I am still drunk.....

I am going to Holiday Girl's house for a dinner party tonight, which will be lovely - she has stocked up on the Omni in preparation - yet as it goes - I shall NEVER drink again...lol.

Until next time...

2007-04-03T09:56:00.000+10:00

It is amazing what retrospect can provide. Such clarity.

I had a two hour phone conversation with New Person last night and the things that came out were quite revealing.

He spoke of his regrets, how we should have kept on dating, how he shouldn't have moved himself into my home so quickly. His reason? It felt so right.

And I agree with him - at the time it did. It was the subsequent damage it slowly did to our young relationship that was the undoing of the rationale in that particular decision.

We effectively gave our relationship no hope of being successful through a couple of poor decisions that seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

He sounded so broken on the phone, that deep sadness that is painful to even listen to. My heart ached for him, but I still maintain that breaking up was the right thing to do.

A friend said something to me yesterday her mother passed down to her when she was in her early twenties.

"Don't ever marry someone thinking they will change"

So very true. I had lived in hope that the things NP and I clashed about would eventually be met with compromise halfway but after eight months and constant head butting, I now realise they never would have been.

We were two different people, who, although we cared deeply for each other, our differences would continue to rear their heads and as time passed become increasingly obvious and pointed and represent parts of our relationship that were unsuccessful, that were the triggers for circular and repetitive arguments that would never be resolved.

H has taken to calling me freqently to whinge about his relationship with his girlfriend. They broke up (and got back together) three times in as many days. He spoke of a sense of 'relief' each time it ended.

I can relate to that.

Being on my own is suiting me. But I know next week when School Girl M goes to H's for the entire week (school holidays custody arrangement), that I will find my little house very lonely.

2007-03-30T11:14:00.000+10:00

My tests are all finished, the conclusion was an ectopic pregnancy brought on by one of the clips working itself loose and inadequate scar tissue underneath it to prevent an egg from making it's way through.

When I had my tubes tied the doctors opted to just clamp them instead of the usual removing a section and tying the ends of. Clamping was a less invasive surgical procedure and at the time I wasn't well, so it seemed the better option. There was a one percent failure rate - but as it goes, that warning is standard with nearly all methods of contraception whether they be control or permanent.

So basically it was just one of those freakily unlucky things and now I will have to go back next week and the doctor will reclamp that tube.

The doctor also referred me to a counseller - he knows my medical history and he recognises how hard I am taking this. Even he was amazed it could have happened.

I am feeling a lot better now - less depressive, it has happened, I am lucky I am fine physically and that pregnancy was never supposed to be.

Rational understanding vs emotional reaction.

Ask me on an hourly basis who is winning.

Q's father died this week. Some of you may remember when he had a massive stroke Christmas 2005 followed by a couple of smaller ones. He passed away on Tuesday, I don't know any details, Q was too upset to talk.

Perspective.

School holidays begin today for School Girl M and it's Easter next week so it's been a whirlwind of buying Easter eggs for school, music and swimming teachers and little classmates (and of course my secret stash for her Easter egg hunt). We did a Hot Cross Bun fundraiser at school and I am at the stage where my stomach is revolting at even the smell of them now. Five hours straight of packing Hot Cross Buns will do that to you.

I have my little girl home with me for an entire week now - and I can't wait :)

Skimming The Surface

2007-03-28T11:07:00.000+10:00

And onwards I shall move....

I don't really have a lot to say...I have buried myself in work and volunteering in different capacities at School Girl M's school.

I won a new contract on Monday...that is a positive and gives me something to divert my attention and energies into.

As I write this I am watching School Girl M's school uniform dry in the breeze on the clothes line....and I am trying not think if she would have had a brother or a sister...what the pieces of that unborn baby would have joined together to be.

I know this will subside and as long as I am busy I am coping...it is just when I pause for breath that I come undone.

And that I shall not...

Loss And Grief

2007-03-24T19:39:00.000+11:00

I spent Thursday night lying in a hospital bed as my unborn baby bled out of me piece by piece.

There is no explanation for why I could possibly be pregnant...really really none. I can not conceive...and after School Girl Mermaid the doctors tied my tubes...to protect my body from any pregnancies...not matter how remote that possibility was.

I did not cry when they asked if they could call anyone...New Person's phone was turned off and the last I knew he was still hundreds of kilometres away. I discharged myself, took School Girl M home and sat on the sofa in shock.

Later that night NP turned up very unexpectedly on my doorstep...and then the tears started...and have yet to stop.

The anger is slightly consuming...I resent the decision being taken away from me...I feel like my body has betrayed me.

It is like a vortex right now and I feel like I am drowning.

And So It Is...

2007-03-20T22:42:00.000+11:00

My grandfather came through surgery ok. The cancer was aggressive and significantly more advanced than the doctors had first thought, but for now they have got it all.

It will come back...that is a given, but what is important is he came home from that hospital and, if only for now, we have him in our lives for a bit longer.

He is Irish...it happened on Saint Patricks Day...perhaps it is as they say..."the luck of the Irish"

I broke things off with New Person yesterday. It was one of those horrid long and very emotionally draining break-ups that you tend to near drown in self doubt each time you pause for breath.

But yesterday afternoon he packed his stuff and moved out.

I found out today he is many hundreds of kilometres away already, in a different state. He must have driven through the night non-stop to get there. Why that particular place I don't know...it holds no friends and no family members...but perhaps that is my answer.

Maybe he was Mr Right Now...not Mr Right. But then I have never consciously thought that I was searching for 'Mr Right'...I am too much of a sceptical person for such titles and labelled expectations.

Good Friend remarked to me yesterday that she (amongst others) has seen a big change in me over the past six or so months. She termed it as me seeming "flat".

Fabulous Friend was blunter "You have lost what was your appeal...your bounciness and enthusiasm...how you would launch yourself into a room...always talking and laughing...ready to do anything at the drop of a hat. Now you don't even come out for a coffee...to say nothing of a liquid lunch at the pub"

And I realised they were right...I had changed. Some of it was probably for the better (re: end of binge drinking) but the rest of it was questionable. I have thoroughly lost my passion for my work...which is wholly regrettable. Because NP hasn't been working for seven months I had fallen into slothing around at home with him when I should have been out promoting my business...hunting work etc. Financially I am suffering for that lazy attitude now.

I miss him though. I spent today looking at photographs of us...I didn't even do that when H and I separated (!)

But as we sat on the sofa yesterday he asked me what it was going to be, to which I replied.

MG: My head it telling me this is it, we just aren't suited and we have tried to make it work until there is nothing left to change. We can't go on like this because it is destructive to both of us.

NP: (sad smile)

MG: But my heart is telling me not to let you walk out that door.

NP: That's your decision made (MG).

And with that he stood up...and loaded his car with his things.

MG: Can you stay for dinner...say goodbye to (School Girl Mermaid)?

NP: (chokes) I couldn't...

When all his things were in the car and I was standing there in tears just looking...he took his house key off his keyring and pressed it into my hand.

NP: Tell (School Girl M) that I love her and I'm sorry.

Then he burst into tears and walked quickly out the door.

And that was the end of eight months of my life.

I need to be me right now...I don't know if I want to be...but god I know I need to be alone...to be me...to learn some more of life's lessons by standing on my own two feet.

Wish me luck.

So Wrong...

2007-03-15T22:02:00.000+11:00

I have put on weight...something to do with eating crap food and my quickly fading love affair with the gym (I hate it now - it sucks big time). So for the first time ever I am on these drugs to see what I can do without actually having to put in much effort (aside popping a pill three times a day).

Yeah...I know.

I read this and think...god you lazy bitch - you have been fit and healthy once - get off your sorry arse and put in the effort again.

So back to the wonder drugs...Fat Blaster...a fabulous and (kind of vague) collation of 'natural' ingredients that when combined will make my chocolate sinning tummy be flat yet again.

At thirty dollars for two weeks worth you'd want to be hoping for some type of damn miracle.

Smirk...

Serves my lazy arse right.

Big news happened today...somewhat sad news too.

Brother I Adore...remember him? The baby with dubious parentage...truly nasty girlfriend whom he chose to bring up the baby with (no paternity testing was ever done)...well I spoke to him today and he has just got a job working for Emirates (the airline) and him, the nasty girlfriend and the baby of dubious parentage are all moving to Dubai in May.

I am (selfishly) upset. My last remaining family member in this country and now he too will leave. Even though I hardly saw him once Nasty Girlfriend took a rather strong dislike to me, he was still there, we talked on the phone when he was out of house and away from her...etc.

Career wise it is a brilliant move for him though...but hell I'll miss my baby brother.

School Girl Mermaid and I returned from our interstate holiday on Monday to the news that my grandfather has been rushed to hospital. The secondary cancer has taken it's toll quicker than they had thought it would and he will be operated on tomorrow. It will go one of two ways...

The operate and find the cancer is containable, cut it out and start him on chemo.

or...

They operate to find the cancer has spread and there is nothing the doctors can do.

Tomorrow I sit by the phone and I wait for the call to tell me which way his life will go.

Today I struggle with the guilt of not being there at the hospital, not sitting holding my grandmother's hand as the doctor delivers the news. It all seems so wrong.

Changes Upon Changes

2007-02-24T17:28:00.000+11:00

And finally I have the uninterrupted time to sit and write again...

There seems to have been a shift in my life...somewhat subtle because I am only really recognising it now, now I have arrived at this place.

I am working at forty percent capacity of what I was one year ago.

I have had so much quality time with School Girl M that our relationship is unrecognisable to the shreds it was hanging in last year....it has gone from strength to strength.

I have been taking stock of my personal relationship...as awful as the expression is, I have culled the dead wood and learned to recognise the relationships that are damaging to myself and I have finally gathered the emotional strength needed to walk away from some of those and to address the flaws in the others, with the hope of resurrecting what once where healthy and thriving friendships.

I have also reached a turning point with H, a couple of weeks ago. A friend raised a very valid point to me that I was never going to 'win' with H. He was always going to be hot and cold, say one thing, then when I went with it, turn the situation around and pretend he never said whatever...and been getting upset over something or someone whom I can not change - well that is just giving him the satisfaction of hurting me, and as long as he gets a reaction he will continue to behave the way he is. So I emailed him, I was very honest and just told him he was on his own with his relationship with School Girl M, that I wasn't going to be in damage control any more, what he did, the positives and the mistakes etc....they were all down to him, just as what I do with her comes down on me.

I have never felt so damn free. He has stopped calling, we don't speak, so there are no arguments and I just feel like I can finally just live again and be the mother that my daughter deserves, without the unsolvable weight of trying to make something work with a person whom is hellbent on sabotaging any type of functioning parenting relationship we could ever have.

In two weeks time School Girl M and I will be in the state where Holiday Girl and I go to play...this time I am going to see my Biological Father. It has been five and a half years, and he has never met School Girl M. I am looking forward to it, five days of sunshine and the beach and actually laying the foundations for a relationship with my father, as an adult.

A these changes, and they just crept up on me...lol.

Maybe, just maybe, I will survive this...I will be able to keep going and be a good mother, a successful business woman...have healthy relationships and friendships in all spheres of my life...and just be happy.

School Girl Mermaid

2007-02-19T12:07:00.000+11:00

I wanted to write about School Girl Mermaid (!).

My daughter is my world and this is why...

From when I was seventeen I was told that I would never be able to have children due to long term medication I am on. I resigned myself to a life without children and distanced myself from ever liking them too much and created a shell around my heart.

When I was twenty one I suffered two miscarriages, both very early on. To have the babies you were never supposed to have, scrapped out of you like waste...it was heart breaking.

I woke up one morning, when I was twenty three and knew instantly I was pregnant. There was no rhyme or reason to my assurance, I just knew with all certainty.

My pregnancy was horrible, I was very sick and in and out of hospital. At one stage they wanted me to terminate as the pregnancy was putting my life in danger.

I couldn't do it.

There was no recorded cases of pregnancies being carried full term with mothers on the medication I am on so I ended up being a test case in my state. That involved lots of doctors and endless tests...I was a human pin cushion.

My baby was big...too big for me to carry full term so at eight and a half months I was induced. She should have been a Cesarean but by the time the obstetrician realised exactly how large she was it was too late.

One and a half days later....morphine...pethidine...gas and two epidurals my baby was stuck so the doctor had to cut me open and forcep her out. As they were putting in the twenty stitches needed to sew me back up, I hemorrhaged.

As I was so drugged I knew nothing of this as they pumped transfusion after transfusion into me and I couldn't even hold my daughter.

But the next day she was mine...my little miracle child...the baby I was never supposed to have.

Although I have struggled with parenting...I now look at my beautiful child and am filled with awe that is the gift that is her....and every day of my life I am so so grateful to have her.

I believe things happen for a reason...my daughter has taught me what is important in life...through her needs as a child I can no longer be selfish as my world revolves so much around her and what is best for her.

I have just spent nine thousand dollars fighting for custody of her and if I hadn't won I would have gone back to court in a heartbeat and kept fighting until I had her back home with me....I created her and carried her inside of me...I nearly died giving birth to her and I would give my life for her without hesitation.

She is my miracle.

Passion

2007-02-13T21:15:00.000+11:00

There was a rumour floating around that Q was sleeping with his PA.

I spoke to him today. It turns out he left his wife three weeks ago.

To say I am amazed is probably an understatement. For those of you who have been reading since the beginning, you will understand the significance of this for him. For the others...Q was a man whom I loved for a long time and who held my delicate heart in his hands until I grew strong enough to reclaim it back.

I read my archives the other day. It is so humbling...it upset me for a few days, in some posts the pain and grief is so raw that even after all this time, to read it is painful.

I wish Q well in this next stage of his journey...having been in that place only twelve months ago I have an idea of what lies ahead for him - and as he too understands...it will probably get worse before it gets better.

He misses his children immensely...the pain in his voice was thick and difficult to listen to. But he will do what he perceives to be the right thing. I have no place here. This I recognise.

There is irony in this happening now. After spending so long having an affair with him...living with that vain and mocking hope that he would one day leave his wife and we could start a life together....he wouldn't - always citing his children as the reason.

Yet now...when I have been with New Person for seven months and I am so happy.

I have no regrets and what I have with NP is just SO much more real than what Q and I ever have. We existed in a small insular world, shielded from reality by the sheer intensity of our emotions. That was never going to be sustainable in the long term.

I wonder where we will all be in our individual lives in another twelve months time.

My School Girl

2007-01-31T11:16:00.000+11:00

Well the much anticipated first day of school is nearly over....

Baby Mermaid cried...I cried...H sulked and was rude to me...it unfolded as expected...lol.

My little baby is a school girl...she looked so grown up in her uniform...checked gingham and black mary-jane's with bobby socks and her hair in double braids.

Sigh...

Was it really nearly five years ago that she was born?

Court went well, I retained custody and H has her for four nights per fortnight. We were quite civil about it. He phoned me later that day to yell at me...but at least we got through court and got a formal custody agreement drawn up that we both agree on. That is what is important.

I have started going to the gym again, I have been in such a slump lately, the emotional and mental energy (plus the financial stress) of the court case was taking it's toll on me. I want to feel as healthy and positive as I did this time last year. The good thing is having been there, I know with some hard work physically I can get back to that place again :)

I bought Baby Mermaid a piano for Christmas so we both start piano lessons next week (!) It has been too many years to even count since I last had a lesson so it should be interesting!

On the theme of things that are different, Holiday Girl and I have booked in for a lesson of pole dancing (HG is fabulously tall with legs that go on forever)...so that will be hilarious. I'll have to remember my camera!

Life is marching on...and I like where it is heading.

Time to pick up my munchkin from school, we are going out for lunch to celebrate her first day as a school girl.

I am SO proud of her :)

P.S - For the creative memories idea....I ended up taking a series of black and white photographs of Baby M with her posing, then walking down the street towards school, close-ups of her school hat and the symbol on it etc; then I created a digital collage of it.

It's quite effective.

I have also started a school days books, with software from the following website:

www.momento.com.au

I am totally addicted to this website...you make one book then get hooked on it and can't stop!

Court Revisited..

2007-01-26T10:29:00.000+11:00

Not long after I returned from my holiday I was served with a summons for court (this happened at nine o'clock at night on my doorstep - can that happen??)...so on Tuesday, the day before Baby M starts school, I have to go into the city and H will contest me for custody.

Once again.

Sigh....

Just when things were looking like they were going ok and finally making progress between us again.

I am less than impressed, not as nervous this time, more so annoyed that this day I had put aside to spend with Baby M , her last day of being a child before she crosses over into the amazing new journey of becoming a school girl; I will now spend in court instead of with her.

Not happy.

I am thinking of something creative to do to commerate her first day of school, I wanted to record it with photographs, presented in an unusual way...any ideas??

Home

2007-01-09T15:04:00.000+11:00

It is said that home is where your heart is.

I have always believed that my heart was still firmly entrenched in my place of birth, in the fields that I wandered as a child, the beaches I swam at and the places that when I came home each year, the sight of them would evoke a single gasp from me as I lost my heart to my home.

All over again.

This time it was different. I fought that truth but as the two weeks wore on it gripped me relentlessly and wore me down.

I had to surrender to it...this place was no longer my home. My golden oasis that was always my safety net had evolved into something barely recognisable. People had grown up, moved on...the physical face was a stranger, the streets new and the people different, in character and in race, the languages they spoke were foreign to my homesick ear.

I felt a deep sense of loss at this, a resentment that my cherished memories were sullied, perhaps made invalid as time had not stood still to honour them. But perhaps the most confronting of this all was the realisation that with this understanding also came a sense of relief.

Now my home is where I live...it is where my daughter will spend her school years and grow up and it is where my future is.

It is almost liberating.

Happy 2007 everyone in blogland...for so many of you who have had not the best of years in 2006, may this be the fresh start that you have hoped for.

Holidays

2007-01-07T19:53:00.000+11:00

Back from holidays...crazy times...a pyschotic mother to deal with and I have returned to the other strange factor in my life (being H).

I spent lots and lots of quality time with my grandparents...took precious photographs and video recordings...created memories that will last forever.

It was hard saying goodbye to them at the airport. My grandfather's cancer has returned. This Christmas gone will probably have been his last. I stood in the line at Customs and cried, silent tears, at the knowledge that I may not see him alive again. As the plane took off Baby M gulped and as I turned and looked at her, tears welled up in her eyes and she started to sob.

Children know.

She has her first day of school in three weeks. Her uniform is huge on her...lol...she looks like a little munchkin. I know I will cry.

A lot happened very quickly with H before I left for my holidays...the highlights included him breaking the custody agreement and turning up to Baby M's creche. They let him in, after strict instructions from me not to...if I report them then they will lose their license...numerous shitty phone calls overseas to me, even my granparents copped it...I resented him for that.

But it all continues...and I have a smile on my face and determination behind me to do the best thing by Baby M...that is what keeps me going.

2006-12-20T09:35:00.000+11:00

Saturday was the day of an epic showdown with H. He let his guard down and for the first time showed his anger towards me infront of other people - being his parents.

It was violent and a bit scary and at it's peak his father had to forcibly take Baby M from his arms and get her and myself out of there whilst his brother restrained him.

Baby M cried and sobbed in my arms.

I hated him for doing that to her. His father couldn't stop apologising to me...H had fed him some crap line about breaking up with his girlfriend and wanting to put everything into parenting and repairing his parenting relationship with me.

His father believed him.

I didn't.

H was lying and the mere sight of me made him lash out in anger as usual.

I barely said two words...just watched numbly as he yelled at me...covered Baby M's eyes as he head butted the door then drove home wondering what my daughter's world had come to.

I am linked into some local services now that will provide me with support next year in terms of counselling for Baby M and myself, legal support for when/if this goes to Family Court and practical support in other aspects.

Two sleeps then I'm on that plane and getting the hell out of here.

Can't freakin wait.

A Tradition

2006-12-16T12:01:00.000+11:00

Children carry through the streets
A brilliant painted star
Angels gather round the hearth
Strumming on guitars
Men of great renown and faith
Say prayers on boulevards
Its the night before christmas

But you dont have to be an angel
To sing harmony
And you don't have to be a child
To love the mystery
And you don't have to be a wise man
On bended knee
The heart of this Christmas is in you and me

The night before Christmas
The night before Christmas

If you're hearts been longing
And you've been afraid to try
Sorrows kept you company
And the dance has passed you by
I'll lift you up and blaze with you
Across the moonlit sky
On the night before Christmas

Cause you don't have to be an angel
To sing in harmony
And you don't have to be a child to love the mystery
And you don't have to be a wise man
On bended knee

The heart of this Christmas is in you and me

I have a tradition I began when Baby M was born...I have always loved this song...no real reason, it has always captivated me and personified Christmas...so every Christmas Eve I sit down with her and we play this song and sing the words. This year, for the first time, she actually asked if we would do it.

A tradition is born.

I fly out in six days...the last week is filled with work functions, end of year break-ups for Baby M (she graduated from kindergarten yesterday), more school prep sessions to attend.

H threatened to snatch her again so I have had to finish up work early for the year and keep her home with me until we leave. He had a breakdown and is on compulsory leave from work and is in compulsory counselling...he has also had his mobile phone disconnected, changed the home number and the work number just rings out.

My lawyer said I don't have to give her to him for access visits unless he can provide me with a direct phone number. The degree of anger he is exhibiting and is directing at me, is frightening. When he does actually have Baby M, he doesn't even spend time with her...when it's handover time he doesn't even hug her hello, just orders her into his car then he yells at me.

Last week I had to watch them drive away whilst she had her little face pressed against the car window staring emptily at me. I sat in the carpark and cried.

Six Weird Things About Me...

2006-12-12T21:27:00.000+11:00

I have been tagged by Moonspells

6 Weird Things About Me

1. When I hang the pegs on the clothes line the colours have to match, if I get to the end of the basket of washing and I have an uneven amount of a particular colour of pegs I fret. Yeah...I need to get a life. The hilarious thing is, only last week I noticed that Baby M does this as well...lol.

2. I always read publications from the back to the front...with the obvious exception being books, but magazines and newspapers are always finished at the front.

3. I have to be on top...and I'm not talking sex here...but hand holding and those big deep hugs where you sling your arms randomly around someone (or not so randomly in my case)...my hands/arms always have to be on top or it just feels weird.

4. I am not superstitious but I have a healthy distrust of odd numbers...

5. Roses are my absolute favourite flower, in any way, shape or form but I really cannot stand pink roses...how does a colour change my perception of an entire flower??

6. When I am making business calls I hold my breath whilst I'm waiting for the my client to answer the phone. For the better part it is a subconscious thing.

Yup...I'm kinda strange.

I'm not tagging anyone...but feel free to join in and tell them the love came from me :)

2006-12-01T09:38:00.000+11:00

So I finally called Drinking Buddy last night...

Wish I hadn't...I could have done without her lies.

The short version was she denied everything...the lies spilled out of her mouth so quickly that she kept tripping herself up with contradiction after contradiction.

I needed her to understand that this was not about myself or H being angry at her, it was about Baby M and her future.

She hung up on me.

I sent her a text that went along the lines of:

"Through your selfishness and lies I could have lost custody of my daughter. One day, when you are a parent, you will understand how I am feeling right now. Please don't contact me"

And now I wash my hands of her. A true friend would never have put her own selfish desires and irrational need to be involved in a situation which she had been steadfastly kept out of, before the wellbeing of a child. And the child of a close friend, nonetheless.

In this world, there are some people who show their true colours at unfortunate times, but at least now I know what she is truly like.

I am so disappointed but feel relieved in a way. It is over.