Moments Suspended In Time
Friday, July 04, 2008
A Beautiful Thing...I am ending this blog here.
My life is just so full of beautiful things that I am so grateful for and it's time to put to rest the ghosts of the past.
When we write in this public forum we open ourselves up for criticism...we discover support in funny places...all of this for myself but overwhelmingly the opportunity to get all these feelings and emotions out.
In doing this I allowed myself to work through different stages of my life...through Q and the affair...through leaving H and us eventually realising that we married for completely the wrong reasons and it would have never worked...ups and downs with my business...surviving breast cancer.
I am just in such a different place in my life than I was three years ago when I started this blog...I am happy now...I feel fulfilled and I look forward to what the future brings with M and myself and our children...to us buying a house together and one day getting married barefoot on a beach somewhere.
I never knew it was possible to love someone like I do with him...such a passionate and fierce love where you can't imagine a life without them by your side...where the love you share with them is so grounded in reality that you simply know you will be with that person forever.
After so long of being lost...and feeling drowned by my lack of direction...of making decisions that, although they were right at the time and served a purpose, they were not how I was going to spend the rest of my life.
That is all over...I have reached that place in my life where the pieces of my particular puzzle have fallen into place and I couldn't be happier.
I have regrets and I have made mistakes but I choose to learn from them and not let them define me as a person.
H and I both had affairs, we talk about how we wish we had never married each other, how we shouldn't have bowed to the pressure from his family. Years on we can see there was never anything there, that marrying someone because you have a child together is never a recipe for success. Our conversations reveal how much we have learnt about ourselves as individuals from a failed marriage, with time we can see this more clearly.
M is my soulmate, I can not even fathom being with anyone else...what we share is just light years away from what my marriage was...what the affair was...what I had with either my husband or my lover.
I think I have just grown up all of a sudden...and the mistakes of my past enable me to see what I have now, for what it is.
And that is a beautiful thing.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Weekends for Girls and Boys...M has gone away for a boys weekend hours away on the border of another state...lots of drinking and paintball.
What does one do in the absence of both children and one beloved M?
Girls night at my new place of course!
As I write this I am finishing off the lasagne, the bottles of bubbles are chilling in the fridge and I'm off to the hairdresser to lose the blonde for winter.
This is going to be one hell of a night...Holiday Girl is coming...she has her first date tomorrow since she left her husband so we will spend the night being hopeless girls and going over every detail of it...lol.
As we do.
Tomorrow this shall be from the House of Fun...with hungover love :)
Monday, June 09, 2008
So Very Sated...
I walked into the living room, my dressing gown wrapped snugly around me...it's winter time here and the nights are c-o-l-d...
As I leaned over to give him a kiss goodnight I let my robe slip off my shoulders then quickly down away from my body...the look in his eyes made me instantly wet.
I stood in front of him...feeling so beautiful as his eyes danced over me and the smile crept over his lips.
MG: "Ooops...I think I dropped something"
I turned around bent over, giving him an uninterrupted view of my black and red French knickers as they kissed the cheeks of my arse.
We fucked well into the night...his hand left red welts on my arse as he spanked me...he filmed me with his phone as I spread my legs and begged for more...I heard him groan with pleasure as I came all over his cock then licked it clean...
That was Friday night...then it was repeated on Saturday and Sunday...public holiday here on Monday....
*happy sated sigh*
I LOVE this man...
Thursday, June 05, 2008
To The Moon And Back
I have finally taken the first step in dealing with so many of the ridiculous amount of things that have been crowding my world lately.
Yesterday I had my first appointment with the psychologist, there was too much said to really go into here except I am happy with how it went and I have started to make small changes already.
And that is promising.
T has been more settled lately, she is still having major problems at school and at her mother's house but we are working on that to the best we can.
I had School Girl Mermaid home from school today, caught the cold that is doing the rounds...I took the day off work and we spent some quality time together. I even did scrap booking with her, which I have always disliked. To my surprise it wasn't actually that bad...lol.
The cynic is silenced...
I am working on a picture wall of old black and white photographs of my grandparents, them as children and their wedding days etc. It is shaping up to be pretty beautiful, it's just a shame they won't see it.
The session with the psych has made me very reflective and a bit emotional, but I can already see good things and positive changes will come out of the next three months. I am receptive to change and I think that is the key to this succeeding.
Off to teach School Girl M about astronomy...sigh...I think I may be more of a hindrance than a help!
Monday, May 26, 2008
A New Life...
My baby girl turned six last weekend...*wry smile*....and I turned thirty the weekend before...*smile slips slightly*...time is galloping on at such a scary scary rate.
M's sister had a baby girl today...nine pound three ounces (ouch!)
There is a bit of a sorry story behind the closed doors on that particular household and as it goes, a few too many people have been drawn into it. Suffice to say, I have steered well clear of it, only expressed my opinion privately to M and there it remained.
M's sister, known as S has two children already, one at school, the other still a baby, barely one year old. Her husband is an alcoholic (a true alcoholic with an alcoholic father). She has left him/kicked him out on so very many occasions only to get back together with him.
He has no interest in another child, he was apparently furious when she told him she was pregnant again and has continued to drink throughout her pregnancy despite telling her he had stopped.
All that changed was he got better at lying and hiding his drinking. Now he has gotten to the stage where he simply doesn't care...he hasn't been home since Mothers Day, two weeks ago and when the youngest child was rushed to hospital on Saturday night with suspected croup...no-one could find him.
He still hasn't resurfaced...it was her Mum that held her hand as she gave birth this afternoon and welcomed her third child into the world.
I find that, quite simply, so sad...at a time where her and her husband should be celebrating the birth of their baby together, he will be in a drunken stupor somewhere.
The irony is, S was induced and she had her induction date booked in two weeks ago so he has no excuse for not showing.
I can't help but wonder if this is actually the end for them this time...could there possibly be any more reserve in her tank of forgiveness?
If so then she is a better person than me.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I Close My Eyes...
Tonight I am sad.
I am finally accepting the fact that my grandfather is dying.
Nearly two years ago he was diagnosed with cancer of the bladder. Then he had secondary cancer of the prostate.
Numerous surgeries...tumours...radiotherapy.
Three weeks ago he had surgery and now he has flown over here, to my country to see School Girl Mermaid and I. He can barely walk and will be back in hospital on Friday followed by another major operation in a few weeks.
I knew all of this yet until now I have pretended it wasn't happening. But this time I can see the change in him, I can see what my grandmother's life is like with him and it saddens me.
They have been married for fifty three years...he fought in World War Two...he is a father, a grandfather and a great grandfather. My daughter adores him and I have never known a life without him as a huge part of it.
Selfishly I have been willing him to stay alive...to keep fighting and survive another operation...yet another round of chemotherapy. Yet now I can see the pain he is in, how my grandmother's life is changed so much...the stress on her.
I don't see all of this on a daily basis because I am all the way over here and now I have seen it, seen him, seen them together, I understand more what it is like, what it has been like for her.
And my heart aches and there is a massive lump in my throat that just won't go away.
When I say goodbye to them on Wednesday that will possibly be the last time I will see my grandfather.
It's Sunday night and I am terrified already.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
T And The PsychologistTonight is T's first session with the child psychologist.
This is a bit of a big deal in that this isn't a country where children are in therapy at five etc...apart from myself and Holiday Girl sending our children to talk to a counseller post marriage break-up I don't actually know anyone else in this situation.
T's (ridiculously irritating) mother hit the roof when M told her about this. She takes everything so personally...we were only doing this to try and make her look bad as a parent...she has been waiting for three months to get a referral and we are just overiding her.
For god's sake...this actually isn't about her...it's about doing the best thing for T and if we are both working towards that common goal then does it really matter who booked the damn appointment.
Anyway...The Mother wants to be there tonight with her boyfriend (whom T has a terribly volatile relationship with) and as the psychologist wants to speak with M and I, they will have to come in too.
I. Don't. Like. This. Woman.
She is a major part of the problem and with her there, even though she won't be in there with T it is basically a death sentence for these sessions. T will not talk for the fear that her mother will find it all out and use it against her.
As history goes.
Repeatedly. It is her M.O.
But we can only try. The Mother has already been up at T's school complaining about me and my 'involvement in her daughter's life'. The principal phoned me and say from now on no-one at the school is permitted to discuss T with me and I will not be able to arrange meetings on behalf of M etc.
It didn't go down too well with me. I can understand them not discussing T on the phone with me, that is fine, I am not her parent but to ban me from even calling to arrange a meeting is just ridiculous.
M was cross as he doesn't have the flexibility in his schedule to be able to call during school hours and he relies on me to do this. To illustrate a point, the school asked me to pass on to him to call them at four thirty when he finished work and someone would be there to take his call until five thirty.
No-one answered.
The irritating thing is that the school has been having problems with T and her behaviour not only in class but towards other students and we needed further information about this before we went to the psychologist tonight.
Anyway...
My grandparents flew in this morning...I am WAY too excited...am sitting here waiting on their phone call now from the hotel.
*ridiculously big smile*
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Bits And PiecesWell things seemed to have calmed down a bit now...I had a bit of a let it all out episode on Friday night...cried so hard I couldn't breath then thought I was having a damn panic attack.
Urgh...
M just held my hand and rubbed my back until I stopped crying...I looked awful, swollen eyes and a rose that rivalled Rudolphs on Christmas Eve...lol. It's heaps better now though.
Friday was a public holiday here so we took the children out to the country for a picnic lunch with M's family and their children. It was so nice to see our children get along, things have been pretty strained between School Girl M and M's daughter lately. She is twice her age and has limited patience. Once you combine that with School Girl M's over sensitive nature it makes for a constantly unsettled household with way too much arguing and tears endlessly.
Sigh...
We have got a referral for M's daughter (T) to see a child psychologist as her school has just lost their funding for their school counseller. She has quite large issues, stemming from years of living with her mother who is basically quite indescribable in her inability to be a positive mother to T.
This woman has four children to three different people and we suspect she is pregnant again (it is difficult to tell because she is quite literally obese). The way she speaks to T is awful, constant telling an eleven year old to fuck off when she is asking for help is just cruel. T spends a lot of time crying after having to speak with her mother on the phone when she is with us (court ordered). Anyway...there is way too much to go into here, it makes my blood boil just thinking about it so I can't start.
T will start her sessions with the child psychologist as soon as possible, we are really at crisis point with her, she is just so rude, flies off the handle at absolutely nothing...we can't predict what will make her flip out as it changes from one day to the next and so much of her anger seems to be taken out on School Girl M. It breaks my heart to see my baby cry every day.
Some days I question if I am doing the right think in staying in a relationship with M when this is what my daughter is being treated like in her own home, but something deep inside me believes in T.
I can't write her off, everyone else has more or less given up on her and I truly believe that she is a good kid underneath all this anger, she has just never had a chance at life with her family situation (M fought for custody in court and they sent her to her mother because she has siblings there). Her mother wants her for the child support she receives from M...nothing else, because it doesn't get spent on T and frequently she drops T off on the doorstep on M's sister and tells her to "cope with the fucking little bitch".
*deep breath*
T will be twelve in six months time and then the courts will listen to what she has to say and where she wants to go. The decision will not be solely hers but what she wants will definately be taken into consideration.
So back to the present...I am also arranging for School Girl M to see a school counseller when her school gets one next term, I think it won't do her any harm. She certainly has the ability to articulate exactly how she is feeling so it will probably be of benefit to her.
For some happy news, my grandparents are coming for a visit in ten days time. They didn't tell me until a couple of weeks ago as my grandfather had yet another operation for the cancer and they needed to wait and see how he pulled up from that. He is a stubborn man though...as the Irish are.
The day after they go home we are all jumping on a plane and heading up to the Land of Holidays for a long weekend with the children, for my birthday, then when we come back it will be School Girl M's sixth birthday so parties and presents all round.
Lots of things to look forward too :)
Friday, April 18, 2008
Holiday Girl - Part TwoAnd as if this week hasn't been emotionally draining enough, yesterday I got a phone call from Holiday Girl's mother.
When I heard her voice (she has never called me before) I was all happy, I wanted make sure she was ok and was coping with the upheaval of this week.
When I asked her how she was this was her reply:
(This is a fifty something year old mother and grandparent, a professional in her field)
"You will shut up and listen to me"
I was so surprised I did this that...in retrospect I wish I had ended the phone call then and there.
There is too much to write but the basic gist of it was this...
- She doesn't like me and never has. She has tried to find good points about me but has failed, only because there are simply none to find.
- I have 'won'...I have convinced HG to leave her husband, I am responsible for breaking up their marriage because I want HG all to myself.
- One day HG will 'wake up' to me and realise what a manipulative person I really am then she will leave me and I will die a lonely friendless person.
- How the only person she feels sorry for in all of this is School Girl Mermaid...that 'she only hopes against the odds she will make something of herself...that she should be living with her father to have any chance at life"
I stood there and listened to all of this...too numb with absolute disbelief to even hang up then after she slammed the phone down in my ear I just crumbled onto the floor and sobbed.
I have never been spoken to like that before, let alone by a person whom I thought I had a good relationship based on mutual respect. How could I not have known she hated me? I have stayed up at her house in the country many times, of which she referred to; I NEVER would have gone there if I had known she didn't like. How humiliating.
HG chose that moment to call, I was crying so hard I couldn't even talk, just the sheer shock of it, so unexpected. She knew instantly what was wrong, apparently she had just had a massive fight with her mother in the solicitors office when her mother tried to get her to sign over permanent custody of her son to the violent ex-husband....then her mother turned on her own best friend who was there to support her and HG...then she yelled at HG's Aunty and the solicitor(!) before walking over the road to her solicitors and signing over her house to her ex-husband (a battle they have been fighting for four years since he left her).
I didn't feel quite so bad after that but her comments still cut deep...particularly what she said about my parenting...that was just vicious. No matter how much she was hurting over what is happening to HG...if playing the blame game is how she copes there was NO need to say what she did about my child and my parenting skills. That was one of the meanest things she could have ever chosen to say.
When I lie in bed at night I can hear her voice playing over and over in my head...saying those awful hurtful things...and I just want it to stop.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Holiday GirlMy head is spinning and there seems to be too many thoughts in there to even begin to get them out coherently.
How can I explain the feeling of watching your best friend lie on the floor of a hospital screaming and claw at her wrists until she draws blood?
How I had to choke back my tears and help the nurse hold her down to be sedated, then try and be calm and collected when I spoke to what seemed like the hundredth psychologist that week.
What it's like to have your friend turn up on your doorstep at one am, having just run away from the hospital when they were doing her psych assessment. She drove forty five minutes to my house, down a freeway after having two sleeping pills and two valium. I have no understanding how she didn't kill herself or someone else on the road.
Holiday Girl's marriage is over, the house is sold and she has moved into her new place, then she found out her ex-husband is dating someone (three days after they finally decide to separate), then (as they have no legal custody agreement in place), he took their son and run away to the country with him. And that was the beginning of the end for her.
I took her back to hospital in the morning after she physically attacked me, after she screamed so loudly I had my neighbour phone to ask if everything was alright, after I saw the look of fear on School Girl Mermaid's face.
I sat next to her hospital bed for seven hours on Tuesday until her family arrived from the country to come and get her. When I had to get up to go to the toilet they had security guards watch her.
I can't articulate the gut wreching sorrow I felt, the pure pain and anguish in her eyes...she just kept screaming for me to let her die. She kept trying to get up and run away again, people in that state have so much strength when they are angry.
I felt like I was losing my best friend.
I have never seen anyone have a breakdown like that before...it was terrifying, the overwhelming sense of helplessness. I have the greatest respect for the people who do this for a job, the nurses and care workers, their strength and compassion is surreal.
I knew this was coming but I had no idea it woud be this huge...and all I keep thinking is what could I have done to prevent this? I had arranged for her Mum to come and stay for the first week in her new house and to help with her son, I called twice a day and made sure she had friends come over every night of the weekend so she wasn't alone, she she knew how much we care about her.
Then in the middle of the night, when we couldn't protect her from her thoughts and her endless need to overanalyse was when it overwhelmed her.
I should have been there.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
HNT - The New Series
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Spank Me Please...It's a lazy and very hot Sunday afternoon here...the leaves are just beginning to change and the suffocating wind is pulling the first of them off the tree branches to scatter around like confetti.
We have no children this weekend...they are off at their respective other parents for custody time. We started with a long breakfast in a favourite haunt that Holiday Girl and I frequent then came home to fuck.
He was sitting at the computer finishing work as I slid my legs across him and moved my body slowly down until I was sitting on his lap, my legs wrapped around his and my breath hot on his face.
He slid his hands slowly up my dress as I pressed my lips against his...gently at first then building feverishly as his hands explored my body...dancing over my bare skin until goosebumps appeared on my arms and a sigh escaped from my throat.
He stood up, lifting me...and as I clung to him my dress fell to the ground, caressing my legs and kissing my toes on it's way down to the floor.
The ceiling fan was relentless, blowing steamy air into my face as I lay on my back waiting for him...then I grew impatient and as he was discarding his clothes, I got down on my knees and slid his throbbing cock into my warm mouth.
He groaned and grabbed my head...I smiled with pleasure.
There is nothing like being wanted...
I wanted to taste him for longer but it was his turn now for impatience...in one movement he had me on the bed and underneath him as he slid his cock deep inside me.
We fucked for what seemed like hours, neither of us wanted it to end but we had places to be and people expecting us...so I turned over and got on my knees.
He ran his hands over my bare arse...danced his fingers down my spine as I shivered in delicious anticipation...then as he fucked me harder and fucked me faster, he spanked my arse until I came and cried his name.
And that is my perfect Sunday afternoon...
Thursday, March 13, 2008
School Girl Mermaid...
I wanted to write about my daughter today, she has been on my mind a lot lately.
I have been parent helping at her school, doing reading and writing once a week and it has been a real eye opener to me.
My daughter is so smart.
And yes I am aware that every parent thinks their little darling has all the pieces of lifes puzzle in place at five, but I really have my suspicions that School Girl Mermaid may just be on the home straight with that one.
She writes stories that are years above her grade....she is currently reading at a level three grades above hers and whilst the rest of her class is on readers, she has graduated to chapter books that are around sixty five pages long.
She is five still.
I marvel at this phenomenon that is my child.
I read to her from the day I found out I was pregnant...lots of Dr Seuss in utero...lol. I'm not a massive fan anymore...years of Green Eggs And Ham will break the strongest resolve.
Next term at school she starts spelling, I did a literacy course at her school last week and tested her on the weekend, she can already spell the two hundred words required for the next two years.
Yes well.
Although I love it that she is so smart and so eager to learn, I am finding that with this comes a slight contempt of other children her age. I really don't like the attitude she is displaying, it is very distasteful of a child her age and not one she will make friends with.
In saying that, for the better part she is a very sweet child, but I see traits of her father in her more and more at the moment - the shortness with people, irritation when they don't understand things as quickly as she does, she can be very sharp in how she responds to other children and this quite often cuts them. At this age they are all a bit on the sensitive side.
I'm not really sure how to deal with this one, especially because on the other side of the equation she can be very over sensitive and cries often when other children annoy her. It can be quite draining and at times I feel like I am constantly either reassuring or reprimanding and it's slightly hypocritical because what makes her cry is the behaviour that she inflicts on other children.
Sigh...
It doesn't help that her father and I have been arguing again, we have had a really good run for five months now and it blew up again last week and ended with him threatening to snatch School Girl M. I had to take her out of school for the better part of the week, that was exhausting for all of us.
On a positive note, M's house sold after only a few days on the market and it settles tomorrow so we will start looking for a house to rent together now. It's exciting times :)
Friday, March 07, 2008
HNT
Last one in this series...
Thursday, February 28, 2008
HNT
I am officially divorced now...and what a journey it has been...
Happy HNT everyone :)
Thursday, February 14, 2008
HNT
Happy Valentines Day 2008....
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sated...
We went camping for the long weekend...real camping in the bush with no running water and no electricity.
And in the afternoon we crept away from everyone else and made hot and intense love in the privacy of our tent.
It was the kind of sex that saps your body and your mind...that as you're caught up in the middle of it all you are living and breathing every moment in its definitive entirety.
I could hear every breath he took...feel every movement of his body under mine and right then and there, we were the only two people in the world...nothing else existed.
And as I collapsed on top of him...sated beyond description...we lay there and looked at each other and I could see in his eyes what was reflected in my heart and I knew...that this is forever.
And in the afternoon we crept away from everyone else and made hot and intense love in the privacy of our tent.
It was the kind of sex that saps your body and your mind...that as you're caught up in the middle of it all you are living and breathing every moment in its definitive entirety.
I could hear every breath he took...feel every movement of his body under mine and right then and there, we were the only two people in the world...nothing else existed.
And as I collapsed on top of him...sated beyond description...we lay there and looked at each other and I could see in his eyes what was reflected in my heart and I knew...that this is forever.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Mermaids...
Well I'm back from holidays and straight back into work...I actually missed working, I am so lucky to love my job :)
I was amazed at how much I missed M whilst I was gone...we have talked about marriage...about eloping once both of our divorces come through...I want to get married on a beach somewhere...he wants to get married in Vegas...LOL.
I think blogging may just be winding down for me...I am just so happy now and I am finding now I am am happy I have less and less to write about. Which reiterates what I have always upheld, being that blogging was always meant to be a cathartic release for me...now I have nothing left to be sad about...to be confused or hurt by...no anger remains.
I could write post after post on how happy I am...how much I love M...but I simply don't feel the need...perhaps this is where I call it a day...
It's been just over two and a half years now and so very much has happened and being able to write has enabled me to work through so much of it...enabled me to simply cope...sometimes if only day by day.
In this time frame I have lived through an affair...a marriage break-up...custody battles and court...I have lost everything financially...seen what I believe to be the worst in people I have loved...made amazing new friends both in blogland and in real life...survived cancer...and finally I have met and fallen in love with the man who I will spend the rest of my life with.
I am so happy...
Winding down but not signing off just yet...
Friday, January 04, 2008
The Land of HolidaysAs I sit here and write this I can smell the bread baking and the fresh pot of tea brewing, there are palm trees swaying out the window and I'm wearing boardies and a singlet top....there is sand between my toes (perpetually for the past ten days!) and I am unwinding and r-e-l-a-x-i-n-g...yes it is possible...lol.
Who would have thought...I am actually capable of relaxing.
M flew up for a couple of days over New Years...we missed each other (insert ridiculous swoon followed by happy sigh)...it was unbelievably great to see him, I didn't realise how much I had missed him until he walked through the arrival gates at the airport :)
I am so in love with this guy...crazily and massively and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.
*smiles in slight disbelief*
Signing off from the Land of Holidays...
Kisses
MG
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry ChristmasTo borrow a line from a song...
"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go"
School Girl Mermaid and I are leaving now for the airport for fifteen days in the Land of Holidays. We will land in time for Christmas Dinner with my fabulous Uncle.
As I just wrote in an email to a friend, I am all emotional already about seeing him, about spending Christmas with family. It has been six months and with everything that has happened I just want the comfort of my family right now.
Merry Christmas to you all in blogland and safe holidays where ever you are in the world, mine will be sun and surf, beach and a serious amount of shopping at factory outlet stores - love it!
Holiday Girl will be there in time for New Years, fireworks on the beach, boardies, bikini's and barbeques...I love summer :)
Stay safe everyone and remember to be kind to yourselves and to cherish your families - no matter how difficult they are!
Love
MG
Monday, December 17, 2007
I Found This On Facebook...Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisss your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, " ...that's her."
Friday, December 14, 2007
Nothing Really...For those of you who have been reading for the past two and half years...
Q's real name is Sean.
He always wanted to be a Q...
I think he will be a Dad again by now...child number four to person number three.
Thank god that wasn't me.
I am so glad he is out of my life...it is taking a while to stop thinking about him, but I am in such a good place with M...so grounded, so real and the intimacy..both physical and emotional is manically intense.
Just the way I like it.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The Morning After The Night Before...
Last night was one of those ooops kind of nights...and boy am I paying the price for it today.
It started with a couple of drinks in the office with K (M's Dad who I work with) then K and I went out to dinner - not unusual, we do every fortnight or so. A couple more drinks with dinner then back to his place with some work colleagues etc for some truly fabulous red wine.
M turned up and took me home...only to look after me whilst I proceeded to THROW UP for the next two hours.
Spectacular.
Red wine seriously does not look to good coming back up.
Goddamn embarrassing.
I have not thrown up from drinking in years and today my once a year hangover has struck with a vengeance. I feel seedy...I look wrecked and work has really been a bit of a blur...lol.
Serves me right!
What kind of guy, who after dating you for only a month, would hold your hair back whilst you were sick, clean up your mess and tuck you into bed, all when it was self inflicted?
My most beautiful M-Boy...
I'm still kind of embarrassed though...lol.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Innocence
Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
This innocence is brilliance
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don't go away
Cus I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
Innocence
Avril Lavigne
I was sitting on his knee surfing iTunes when this came on...I want this feeling to last forever...goddamn I do.
I believe in true love...I believe in simply knowing when you meet 'that' person...and I believe in fate.
And I embrace it all...deliciously so.
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
This innocence is brilliance
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don't go away
Cus I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
Innocence
Avril Lavigne
I was sitting on his knee surfing iTunes when this came on...I want this feeling to last forever...goddamn I do.
I believe in true love...I believe in simply knowing when you meet 'that' person...and I believe in fate.
And I embrace it all...deliciously so.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
What Love Is...
We were sitting in a bakery having lunch...
MG: "You have made me believe again...in life and love....in living and loving. You make me believe in a future that is so different from what I had imagined it would be...and I am so happy"
Head over heels...my world is spinning around and I can't catch my breath and I don't want to....
This must be what love is.
Friday, November 30, 2007
InsatiableWhen moonlight crawls along the street
Chasing away the summer heat
Footsteps outside somewhere below
The world revolves I let it go
We build our church above this street
We practice love between these sheets
The candy sweetness scent of you
It bathes my skin I'm stained by you
And all I have to do is hold you
There's a racing in my heart
I am barely touching you
Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable
The moonlight plays upon your skin
A kiss that lingers takes me in
I fall asleep inside of you
There are no words
There's only truth
Breathe in Breathe out
There is no sound
We move together up and down
We levitate our bodies soar
Our feet don't even touch the floor
And nobody knows you like I do
The world doesn't understand
But I grow stronger in your hands
We never sleep we're always holdin' hands
Kissin' for hours talkin' makin' plans
I feel like a better man
Just being in the same room
We never sleep there's just so much to do
Too much to say
Can't close my eyes when I'm with you
Insatiable the way I'm loving you
Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable
Insatiable
Darren Hayes
Oh my god...yes.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Such A Wicked Thing To Do...To Make Me Dream Of You...
Bits and pieces and odds and ends...
As I write this I am alone in his house...he has gone to work and I am wrapping up my work on his computer before I start my day out of the office.
We both had yesterday afternoon off...and spent it in bed...
It was a delicious tangle of limbs and hot slippery bodies on a warm early summer's afternoon.
Then later as the temperature dropped and an evening of drinking drew to a close we fucked. Intensely. As always, it blew my mind.
And afterwards as I lay in his arms and absorbed the comfort of his body holding mine, he laced his fingers through mine as he said...
M: "I have only ever told two people in my whole life that I love them...and I have only meant it once"
I raised my eyes up to look at him...promptly forgot how to breath and just lived the intensity of that defining moment.
We are going out to dinner tonight to celebrate a huge work milestone for me, I have achieved a goal that I have worked three years towards, which is fabulously exciting.
And because I am such a gun now at finding cut price airfares, last week I booked nineteen dollar flights to the Land of Holidays for Holiday Girl and myself (of course!) How a shopaholic loves a genuine bargain...lol.
Life is ticking along and ticking along very nicely.
It's all working out and this sense of calmness I am encapsulating myself in is proving to be very soothing in all aspects of my life.
Maybe I can be less intense...less stressful and less analytical...
Well....perhaps.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Amazing Life...
I am going crazy...this is like nothing I have ever experienced before.
I question it relentlessly as does he...yet we both keep drawing the same conclusion, it's crazy...it's all happening so fast but it feels just so damn right.
I can not adequately convey the depth of the connection we have...it supersedes anything I have ever experienced with another person before.
We were sitting in a restaurant last night, it was his brother's birthday dinner and we were waiting for everyone else to arrive when I leaned over to him and whispered in his ear...
MG: "There is something I want to tell you, it's ridiculously too early on in the scheme of everything but I just have to say it"
M: (takes my face in his hands) "I know...I feel the same way"
MG: "I falling in love with you (M)"
He smiled at me...and just then everyone turned up so we didn't get a chance to talk.
Much later on in the night, we were in bed and he held me, he told me he loves me...how he is scared of this but is loving it...how it just feels so damn right.
My life is amazing.
In the past two months I have survived cancer and now I am actually believing (oh deeply cynical me) that this guy might actually be the one.
The one I have been waiting for my entire life...maybe this is what everyone else has...how other people feel in relationships...those rock solid kind of marriages/relationships etc that you admire from afar and wonder how on earth they do it.
What we share...that connection...sets this just so far apart from any other relationship I have had.
But I am a sceptic! I question this endlessly looking for flaws in the blueprint...it can't possibly be this easy...you don't just meet someone and fall in love with them after eleven or so days - not possible! If this was one of my friends I would be telling them to get a grip...that's it's still in that helpless infatuation stage and it couldn't possibly be love.
Or perhaps this is...and I just know...eleven days...eleven months...eleven years...it doesn't matter because from that very first date I knew that this was something different.
And my god it is...
Monday, November 19, 2007
To Simply Be...
The sex is breath taking...when I come it is dizzying and I can feel every part of my body pause and arch up towards him trying to capture the intensity of that singular moment.
The weekend was a blur of moments...the coolness of his sheets under my bare skin..the press of his lips against mine as he slid inside me...the intensity of his stare...the roughness of his unshaven face as I caressed it with my hands.
We stare at each other a lot...a lot.
We talk without saying anything...sometimes when I look at him I quite literally forget to breath.
I trace the outline of his lips with my fingertip and feel the shiver dance through me as he undresses me with his eyes. He has fuck me eyes...
I love how he makes me feel....I love how he feels inside me...I love waking up next to him...I love going to sleep lying in his arms.
My legs wrapped around his waist...his mouth pressed feverishly against mine...I could smell us, like a room smells after sex...and I instantly craved him.
When I am with him I feel so alive...I feel like I have waited so long for someone like him...when I told him how I feel, I termed it exhilarating terrifying.
And that it is.
I am finding myself ridiculously inarticulate at the moments. I phone Holiday Girl and I make a pitiful attempt at expressing how I am feeling with him...Fabulous Friend makes lots of encouraging murmuring sounds but I can tell she is a bit taken back by my stammering and resorting to happy sighs when I give up trying to explain exactly why this is so great.
And perhaps this is where the true beauty in all of this lies...to merely experience it..to just be...that is enough.
I'm going to be lame right now...just because this is my blog and I can.
I'm falling for M...very hard and very fast and I am loving every crazy minute of it.
I spent the entire weekend at his house, met his daughter (she is eleven, he has partial custody of her) and on Sunday we went to (an early) family Christmas lunch where I got to meet his entire family plus extended family. I was so nervous! It went fine though...
I opened my eyes this morning to find him lying there smiling at me...I woke up to his smile and a "good morning beautiful".
*more swooning*
This is a seriously lame post...and I'm loving it...lol
Back to the specialist on Wednesday, hopefully this will be the last visit for a while. I still have a lot of blood build-up on one side but they may just be happy to let that be - fingers crossed for no more needles.
Goddamn life is good right now...so very very good :)
Friday, November 16, 2007
Dear Diary...
So I feel like I'm fifteen all over again and am writing a Dear Diary entry...
*swoon*
God this is going so well, I am in a slight state of disbelief actually.
We have caught up a couple more times this week, he stayed again last night and the sex was amazing...
*happy sigh*
We both had the afternoon off today so we went for a walk...it's summer...it was deliciously warm, the trees were all dappled and pretty (I love trees) and it was just comfortable.
It's been one week and I can honestly say, this is different from anything else that has happened to me lately. He is just so mellow and that is so nice.
I keep thinking that is is slightly ridiculous to think like this after only one week, but all things have to begin somewhere and perhaps this is actually where it starts for me.
I am happy...very happy :)
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Holding A Piece Of Time
There is a new guy featuring in my life.
*gasp*
And it has been the longest time since I have said that and felt actual butterflies in my stomach.
After a rash of really strange guys running through my life, and believe me when I saw they have been weird...it got to the point where my friends and I had resigned myself to the fact that I was just attracting idiots...along came M.
M is the son of a colleague (K) who I have worked with for six or so years and who, ironically enough, I am actually quite good friends with and socialise outside of work with on a regular basis- yet I had never met his son before last week.
M and I went out to dinner on Monday night, then saw each other again on Tuesday when he ended up staying the night at my place (School Girl M was with H) and we didn't sleep all night.
Insanely fun...
He is very placid, doesn't talk much...quite the opposite from me as I tend to talk fast and intensely when I am passionate about something. There is just something about this guy...he seems to be so normal, call me pessimistic but I keep waiting for the catch (!)
Could this be the start of something? I hope so...I really do :)
And for those who asked...Cafe Boy turned out to be just a bit too strange for me to cope with...he is on mood stabilisers for Bi Polar disorder, he tends to be quite hung up about money, is unhappy with his job yet is content to merely complain about it instead of being proactive and changing careers (easily done in his line of work).
This may sound quite judgmental but I struggle to have respect for someone who at forty years old owns nothing, has no money, is unhappy with where they are at with their lives yet prefers wallowing in apathy to actually making any changes.
And he wanted a full blown instantaneous relationship with me.
Enough said.
Holiday Girl's lumps turned out to be nothing dangerous so we are all very relieved, it was a long few days for her.
I was idly wondering if Q ever reads this blog...if curiousity or perhaps spiteful interest would draw him back here. When everything happened with his pregnant PA etc I took the site meter off my blog so I wouldn't know if he was reading or not...I didn't want to know.
If I was to be honest my guess would be that he doesn't read, he compartmentalises with the best of them, I believe in his mind I simply don't exist to him anymore. It is sad, after all we went through. I find it slightly heartbreaking still that as close as we were, when I was diagnosed with cancer he never came to see me and after the surgery...well...I guess he would have heard around through mutual acquaintances that I was ok, but I would be lying if I said his complete removal from it all didn't sting just the littlest bit.
I guess that is where him and I are different people though, I believe things like this supersede all else, that life is more precious than any emotional bullshit that we concoct through our own making.
When things were at the worst with H, when we were going through court and his parent's were busy hammering on my front door and leaving me intimidating voicemail messages...my father-in-law's sister died after a long and painful battle with ovarian cancer. The first thing I did was send send flowers and pick up the phone...often what is happening in our lives...what we can't control...it tends to just steamroll on ahead regardless if we can stop be stubborn enough to do what is right or not.
I am seeing M again on the weekend, all going well...I have a good feeling about this guy.
He held my hand and looked me in the eye whilst I talked to him and he opened the car door for me - little things like that go a very long way in my book. We have different lives, his family is quite abrasive and rough round the edges and I don't know if I could tolerate that mentality long term but for now I am happy with this and the butterflies having a field day in my tummy - well that is nice too :)
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Remembrance Day 2007 - Lest we forget
I thought of Q today, as it is his birthday. I remembered verbatum the phone message I left him last year, the excitement in my voice and the teasing tone. And I close that part of my mind once again and relegate him to memories that are seldom visited by choice.
As I write this I am listening to School Girl Mermaid and her little friend play school together, we have just returned from the Remembrance Day service where School Girl M sang in the choir.
When they sang Amazing Grace, I cried - as always I am such a sook...lol. She looked so beautiful though, little blond haired blue eyed child so proudly singing and sneaking the occasional smile over at where myself and H were sitting.
Having served in the military I take such pride in my child being part of these ceremonies, to see the appreciation on the returned soldiers faces as they sing, rows of little cherub faces, all so serious.
It's nearly summer here now, the days are long and the nights balmy...and it's only six or so weeks until we will be lying on a beach in the Land of Holidays. My best friend back home is pregnant with her third child, due the end of December (three under three) and my other best friend back there has just given birth to her second child (two under seventeen months). I am SO grateful to only have one child and things like a two week holiday is about as easy as it gets - throw some clothes in a bag, jump on a plane and simply enjoy yourself - loving it!
Some not so great things have been happening with Holiday Girl this week. Since I was diagnosed, I have been on at her to have a breast examination done. On Thursday she finally went to the doctor and they found several lumps and have ordered an urgent ultrasound.
Holiday Girl is prone to nervousness and panic attacks so it is easy to imagine what she is going through right now. The earliest she can get in for the ultrasound is Tuesday morning so she has been a nervous wreck all weekend. I feel so acutely for what she is going through right now.
Today I close my eyes and think of the sacrifices that people decades before us have made so we may live the lives we do today, lives of freedom with choices that are ours to make.
I think of how lucky we are to live in a country where, like Holiday Girl, if we are sick we can go to a hospital and not have to worry about the cost of medical treatment. Where we have free education for our children and the cost of living is just average and wages are higher than in so many comparable countries.
I rest in the knowledge that my child will grow up in a democratic country where she will be treated as a equal irrespective of her gender, she will have the opportunity to go to university if she chooses to and her role in society will not be predetermined by anyone else.
I consider myself lucky to live here, lucky to be the grandchild of a returned serviceman who helped create this world that myself and my daughter shall grow up in and because of the sacrifices these men and women made, our lives shall never be touched by the atrocities of war in the same way that their lives were.
Across the ocean today I send a thank you to my grandparents, for their love and their sacrifices.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Meeting K...
So what exactly does one wear when meeting a fellow blogger for the very first time ever?
After much angst and changing of one's mind (repeatedly) I ended up wearing a black outfit with pink Converse boots. Probably not quite me but at least I had warm feet...and as it was somewhat wet and miserable, then warm feet were appreciated!
Is it bizarre reading about me meeting you K? Lol...
The scene was a 'moody' cafe where we dissected the world as we know it, I asked her advice on so very many matters and found her to be deliciously knowledgeable to talk to. But to meet someone in the flesh - how exciting!
I smiled the entire car ride home :)
And for the record there was no showing of breasts - only discussion about them (!) The cafe wasn't really conducive to stripping off layers of clothes and revealing bruised breasts - although you never know...sometimes strange actions lead to even strange occurrences...it may have lead to the discovery that we were in fact dining in a swingers cafe and the baring of naked bodies was the code action for 'let the swinging begin'.
Hmmmm...might have to go back there on another occasion and test the theory.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Cafe Boy
So for a break from the overwhelmingness of breasts, a theme that seems to have been dominating my life as of late...lol.
Post surgery I haven't been able to use my fabulous red espresso machine as I can't move my arms enough to twist the grinder part in...so I had to find myself a cafe to satisfy the insane coffee cravings.
That is where Cafe-Down-The Road comes into the scene...been going there for a couple of weeks now...cute guy behind the counter...didn't really pay too much attention to him...reason being? I vaguely know the owner of the cafe through work and he is gay...and by way of wild assumption I thought this guy was his partner.
Come Sunday morning...I'm on my way to a kids birthday party, stop in to grab a takeaway coffee and he slips me his phone number. I have no idea what the look on my face must have been like...after all, I THOUGHT HE WAS GAY...lol.
Cut to my daily phone call to Holiday Girl that night...she is full of questions...what does he look like... how old is he...do you think you'll go out with him?
My response?
I have no idea because I thought he was gay...I couldn't even tell her what he really looked like aside the fact he was cute...LOL.
So we caught up yesterday for lunch...had a great time...same sense of humour (re: sarcastic)...I had a great time.
Potential? Not sure, (as I later found out) he is forty, which is a lot older than me and New Person was that age and there were some marked generational differences.
I told him I was recovering from cancer and not looking for anything other than friendship...he said he was cool with that.
Watch this space :)
Saturday, October 27, 2007
More Photographs - NipplegateNew photographs and an exciting milestone in my recovery. Tonight I got to see my nipples properly for the very first time.
Poor little nipples were cut off and grafted back on higher up on my breasts, there was always a chance the grafting wouldn't work so in my mind I named it "Nipplegate". Yes. Highly original, but it kept me amused.
So I think my nipples are actually looking ok, the creases in them are from the bandages and will uncrease with time apparently.
I was worried about the shape of my breasts, they seem to be changing every day but I am only two and a half weeks into a two and a half month recovery period so I need to just have some patience.
Some days it is difficult though! I want to know what my body will look like, how dramatically it has actually changed and how so, what the scaring will be like.
I ended up in the emergency department last night after overdoing it. More internal bleeding in my breasts, no infections though which is the biggie so just trying to take it easier this weekend now.
I just want to be me again, patience never was one of my virtues unfortunately...lol.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
My Insurance Policy - 30th August 2007Hi,
My name is Mermaid Girl...I am a twenty nine year old single mother to a beautiful girl who is my world...and I am now a cancer survivor.
Welcome to the rest of my life.
Dated: 30th August 2007.
This is my prophecy...it is written and in six weeks or so I will be posting it.
Until then post...sit tight...because I will be back.
Postscript...and tonight I post this and it is all true. I saw the specialist today, there was some more internal bleeding again but she controlled that, drained it out and put me on more drugs. The tissue samples all came up clear with absolutely NO traces of cancer!
This recovery is a bit slower than they had hoped but the point is - I am recovering and I have a future without cancer.
Tonight I shall lay my head on my pillow and go to sleep with a smile on my face knowing that this is over, I am no longer a person living with cancer...tomorrow I shall wake up and be myself again...a changed person but stronger and so much more in love with life.
This is my new beginning...and how lucky I am to have even been given the chance.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tagged...I don't usually do these but since the delighfully intriguing Rover asked me...how could a girl say no?
1. Link to your tagger and post rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random and some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of post and list their names.
4. Let them know they were tagged by a comment on their blog.
Random things about me...
1. Although I love what I do my income is frustratingly variable to the point of $6000 one month to $400 the next. Yes I am serious. More months on the upper end of the scale would be great.
2. School Girl M is named after a character in my favourite childhood book. She has grown up to look quite similar to that character now, it's slightly bizarre.
3. I have beautiful long fingernails that grow quickly and are very strong. I cut them very short every week because I learn piano. My friends lament over it...lol.
4. I get very emotionally attached to people quite quickly. It's really annoying.
5. I have a left hand, right hand obsession when I am using EFTPOS, I have to use fingers from both hands to press the buttons. It's usually quite awkward when I'm trying to hold my purse and car keys at the same time.
6. Last night I discovered shopping on Amazon because the exchange rate is so good right now. A monster has been unleashed. I bought all four Post Secret books in the first five minutes online then had to make myself turn the computer off and go to bed before I bought anything else.
7. I am currently addicted to Ecoya coffee scented candles in a tin...I have one sitting on my desk next to me when I work and I stop periodically and smell it. I was worried it was weird until my friends all started buying them and doing the same thing. Weirdness crisis averted at the eleventh hour.
I won't tag anyone but feel free to play and blame me :)
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Graphic Photo's At Bottom Of PostOn Wednesday morning I drive back to the town I was operated in (two hours from my home) to get my final surgery results.
Although the surgeon is pleased with the removal of the cancer, they took tissue samples from other places in my breasts to perform tests on to ensure there is no other cancer in the early stages.
So when I arrive back home on Wednesday afternoon I shall be publishing my Insurance Post that I wrote back in August...because by then it will all be true.
This is the final hurdle to throw myself over before I can be content that I am moving forward with my life and right now all I can think is "bring it on!"
I started my new contracts on Friday, a bit earlier than arranged bt I was going c-r-a-z-y at home. I am finding myself getting tired really quickly and needing Nanna naps during the afternoon to be able to keep going through the day.
I am also learning to accept help when it is offered, namely by my Mother in Law. she came to visit me a few days ago, brought flowers etc and was very nice. I have asked her to take School Girl M to piano for me on the day I get my results as I won't be back in time. She was so willing to help, I have hope this may be a turning point with her and I.
Below are my photographs taken at ten days post surgery...although the bruising looks almost the same my body is healing itself and I have a lot more mobility than I did even a few days ago.
Warning, this is not a pretty sight (!), but having cancer isn't pretty, it's reality and right now, how my body looks is my reality.
I am so grateful to even be here writing this :)
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Work
I got to leave the house this week for my 'Big Outing'...
You know your life is boring when the supermarket is an exciting proposition...LOL.
A friend picked me up and took me out to lunch at a local art gallery/cafe then we went for a gentle walk around the supermarket - oh the feeling of freedom to escape the four walls of my home.
I live in the suburbs and stir crazy doesn't begin to describe the oppression of not being able to drive anywhere or do anything.
My breasts are healing, the bruising is fading and they are a lot more tender as I ease off the painkillers. I am presently taking twenty seven tablets per day, pain relief, anti-inflammatory, anti-biotics, to name a few. I feel like a walking chemist.
I gave myself a fright yesterday, I was drying myself after a shower and my fingernail caught the edge of the strapping and pulled it. The bleeding was instantaneous and heavy, it quite literally pumped out in straight line. Very gross. I called the specialist in a panic but she was great, pointed out that after hemorraging so much what I classify as a lot of blood and what they do, were two different things.
Am trying to take things easier today now.
I will be SO glad to go back to work, now my head is clear and my mind is active I just need this little old body of mine to come to the party and we'll be laughing.
I got a phone call on Monday night to say I had won a contract I had been negotiating with a big new client and another call the next morning for a meeting with what might just be a lucrative client down the track a bit further.
It's all happening and the timing is good, it is providing me a good focus to hit the ground running with work when I start back next week.
And the quicker next week comes the better!
You know your life is boring when the supermarket is an exciting proposition...LOL.
A friend picked me up and took me out to lunch at a local art gallery/cafe then we went for a gentle walk around the supermarket - oh the feeling of freedom to escape the four walls of my home.
I live in the suburbs and stir crazy doesn't begin to describe the oppression of not being able to drive anywhere or do anything.
My breasts are healing, the bruising is fading and they are a lot more tender as I ease off the painkillers. I am presently taking twenty seven tablets per day, pain relief, anti-inflammatory, anti-biotics, to name a few. I feel like a walking chemist.
I gave myself a fright yesterday, I was drying myself after a shower and my fingernail caught the edge of the strapping and pulled it. The bleeding was instantaneous and heavy, it quite literally pumped out in straight line. Very gross. I called the specialist in a panic but she was great, pointed out that after hemorraging so much what I classify as a lot of blood and what they do, were two different things.
Am trying to take things easier today now.
I will be SO glad to go back to work, now my head is clear and my mind is active I just need this little old body of mine to come to the party and we'll be laughing.
I got a phone call on Monday night to say I had won a contract I had been negotiating with a big new client and another call the next morning for a meeting with what might just be a lucrative client down the track a bit further.
It's all happening and the timing is good, it is providing me a good focus to hit the ground running with work when I start back next week.
And the quicker next week comes the better!
Monday, October 15, 2007
Illusions...(Contains graphic photographs)
Walking past me in the street...you would never knows what lies beneath (graphic photographs following)...
Day Three post surgery
Day Five post surgery
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Thank You
So it's time to tell you all how the surgery went....
The surgeon is confident they got all the cancer, it was all in the ducts as they thought (DCIS) which meant it was contained and easy to remove, therefore I should not need chemo.
They did a reconstruction during the surgery, as I already had quite large breasts I could afford to lose some and still have enough to reconstruct without needing implants.
That would be about the only time in my life I have been grateful for having big breasts...lol.
In all honesty I really don't think I could have had more surgery, it has hit me harder than I imagined it would physically and I have found it quite traumatising. The feeling of being out of control was incredibly scary and being responsible for a five year old whilst feeling that way was very overwhelming.
My nipples were removed and grafted on higher up on my breasts, and right now I have breasts that would rival a strippers. They are rock solid, sit up under my chin and don't look like they belong to me.
But I am alive. I am here and I have a future without cancer on the horizon. And in a short month or two this will be behind me and I shall no longer feel like I am defined by the ugly shadow that is breast cancer.
Today I went online and bought some gifts from the Breast Cancer Fundraiser site. I am making up gift bags to give to friends who have showed me so much support with School Girl M throughout this week.
These people are amazing. One of them is a single Mum who struggled to bring up her two children on her own, whilst studying and working part time. She did not hesitate to take SGM for the better part of this week, having her day and night, doing the school homework, uniforms, choir practice etc.
Then there is Fabulous Friend who has been here this weekend for breakfast, lunch and dinner to feed SGM, do the washing and tidy the house and play taxi driver for music and swimming lessons, taking her to friend's houses so I can have a reprieve. All this whilst she works seven days a week.
And my beautiful Holiday Girl...who called me whilst I was on my way home from the hospital and simply said "I had a feeling you need me, I am coming over". And even when I protested and said I was fine, as soon as she walked through the door I more or less collapsed from exhaustion and she, who can not handle the mere sight of blood, cleaned me up, washed my blood stained clothes and then tucked me into bed.
My friends...god, how lucky I am.
And to everyone who has left me comments, sent me emails and offered a hand of friendship and support - from the bottom of my heart I thank you all.
You will never fully understand exactly how much comfort this has all brought to me.
So now it is Sunday and I am starting to feel human again, my bruising is technicolour, I have humbling photographs of my poor breasts...but this morning I got out of bed and decided this was the day when it all begins...all over again for me.
And it has.
And I am happy.
I believe things happen for a reason, I believe this is a chance to reassess and decide what direction I really want my life to be heading in. I am redefining now what really is important to me and why.
It's so true what is said...that life is a journey not a destination.
Is it normal to feel so jittery?
I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack all the time, it is freaking me out considerably.
As soon as I heard the car pull into the drivewaylast night with School Girl M in it, the tears started to well up inside me and as soon as she burst through the front door I just sobbed. She was so cute, she scolded me for crying because it made her cry too...lol. So we both sat there and cried and smiled at each other happily.
God I missed her.
I am feeling slightly better today, the painkillers are very strong, they are knocking me around a lot. School Girl M has been very mother-hen like. Bringing me endless bottles of water, putting blankets on me, coming to check on me and bring me food. I am very impressed at how nuturing she can be...lol.
M, I keep thinking of you and how if you can get through this then I can, you really are my inspiration right now :)
Time for another rest...
Friday, October 12, 2007
HomeThis will be short, am very tired and so sore.
Came home yesterday, things got a bit scary during the night after surgery, I started internally hemorrhaging at 3am so I was rushed back to theatre. That's not unusual for me, it happened when I had School G M as well.
All good now though, just feel very detached and groggy and sick of the sight of blood...*wry smile*
Happy to be home and in my own bed.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
OUT OF SURGERYHi, my name is Evening and I am a friend of Mermaid Girl. She asked me to let you know when she was out of surgery and doing ok.
She sent this text out today.
Hi Everyone, out of surgery and it went really well. Home tomorrow! Thank you for all your support.
I wanted to ask you all to continue to keep Mermaid Girl in your thoughts and prayers. Her surgery is now over and her recovery will begin. Mermaid Girl has been so strong and had such a good attitude through this, I am just positive that any thoughtful messages you leave here for her will help her through the days ahead. I am a recent breast cancer survivor and I know that the caring and support I recieved from my blog friends helped me through a very scary time.
I am sure it will not be long before MG is back here updating us on her recovery herself. So come back soon and check on her.
Love and hugs to you Mermaid Girl.
xo
Evening
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Well it's 3pm Tuesday and this time tomorrow I will be in surgery.
I am still not nervous, just busy still. I had a car accident yesterday, was hit by a learner driver, unfortunately I was in a hire car as my car is being serviced. I was driving a beautiful expensive brand new car...lol. I am now sporting an impressively swollen bruised leg.
Now the arguments with the insurance company begin...urgh. I loathe dealing with insurance companies.
But now I have my fabulous little Mermaid mobile back (thanks K!) and after a week of driving ridiculously expensive hire cars (I had three different cars in total) I am very happy to have my baby back.
Tonight School Girl M goes off to her little friends house for two nights...very exciting to have a sleepover during the school week. I have been madly baking chocolate fudge cupcakes and making dinner for her to take with her. It helps distract me anyway.
New Person took me out to lunch today which was nice, he has been good lately, we have been getting on really well. He wants more though and is sitting back in silent hope waiting. There is nothing from my side, I just feel nothing but friendship towards him. He came with me to Holiday Girl's housewarming, she said he didn't take his eyes off me the entire night.
Sigh...
Well I will end this post here, there has been a lot going through my head...I have been thinking about Q a lot and that phase of my life. I am disappointed with how it ended with him, I still feel very hurt about being lied to for so many years but nothing can change the past and I am moving on....I am leaving you with this photograph of my breasts...lol...just cause I can!
Love you all and thank you for your support. Evening will post an update here for me after my surgery.
MG
Sunday, October 07, 2007
FacebookWell I'm sitting here writing this, sucking back Powerade (rehydrates) and relishing losing two kg's overnight.
A generous dose of food posioning/gastro will do that to you.
I came home from Holiday Girl's house at 2am and was sick more or less straight away. Lucky it didn't start on the car trip home since it's nearly an hours drive....lol.
I think it's the pre-op drugs that are making this a bit worse than it would have been.
But now I'm home, all snuggled up in my dresssing gown (over my business suit!), sitting down to do some work, I feel better. Thank god I work from home!
Three sleeps until the surgery now, Monday will be chaotic with work, and Tuesday probably will too, which means it will all go fast - good!
Is anyone else out there addicted to Facebook?
Monday, October 01, 2007
Californication...
"You're just an analogue stuck in a digital world aren't you?"
What a fabulous line...Californication, tonight's episode - love it! As for Duchovny...sigh...there is just something about him...
Life is still truckin along as per...no School Girl M this week, she has gone to the Dark Side for second half of the school holidays, as per the custody agreement. Despite the fact we were getting on each others nerves something wicked, Imiss her like crazy already. I'm sure you parents out there can relate...lol.
I have started my pre-surgery cocktail of drugs, they make me a bit jittery, that compounded with a lack of sleep makes for a somewhat strung Mermaid. I am oscillating from ridiculous amounts of nervous energy to lying on couch wallowing in Oprah.
I can't believe I just admitted to that...LOL.
Took the new fabulous iPod for a run at the gym today...it passed all my tests and it looked oh so cute clipped onto my yoga pants. *happy sigh*
I might have to HNT with it...my new best friend...my life is funny.
This is random typing tonight, I can't sleep, I feel blah with a sore tummy and have been thinking a lot about next week. It is only eight days away now...wow.
This weekend is Holiday Girl's house warming, in amongst the chaos of the last twelve months she built a house (not personally...builders actually hammered and nailed it...lol). It is a beautiful home, four bedrooms, three living areas and she has such stylish taste, it is immaculately decorated.
I practically have my own room there, I have been down there the past three weeks and next weekend post-surgery she is taking both School Girl M and I down there so she can look after the both of us for the weekend. Might have to get a Mermaid Girl plaque made up for the bedroom door... it's a shame she lives a forty five minute drive away from me, it makes dropping in kind of difficult.
This seems to be the week of catch-ups with everyone before I have surgery. I have dinners out four nights this week already and endless coffee dates...mmm coffee. I have changed my steadfast Gloria Jeans alliance over to Hudsons now. Pity you can only get it in the city (an hour away) or at the airport (over an hour away)...long way to go for coffee on a Sunday morning for brunch.
After tonight it will be:
Six sleeps until surgery
Twelve weeks until Christmas Day (and on a plane to the Land of Holidays!)
Thirteen weeks until I will be out of the surgical bra and can wear normal bras and clothes again
Thirteen weeks plus five and a half months until I am back in the Land of Holidays
Deep breath...time for another go at sleeping.
Good night...
Saturday, September 29, 2007
School Girl M: "Mummy? Why is it called an iPod when you don't use it on your eye?"
Hmmmm....she only asks the best questions.
Did I mention my amazing bargain of the month? I bought $14 flights (quite obviously on mega-sale) to the Land of Holidays for mine and School Girl M's birthdays next year. A usual trip, even on cheap fares would cost around $500 return - this one was $64 all inclusive.
Big Freakin Bargain!
Now it looks like it will turn into a bit of a family reunion with my extended family coming from overseas to join in the fun where collectively we will be celebrating the birthdays of My Fabulous Uncle, myself, School Girl M and my grandfather - what a party! Love a party....
I have been having the maddest fun with my new iPod...it is small...it is the perfect shade of red...it does tricks and tells stories...it does the washing up...oh hang on...sorry...but it is fabulous and I am deeply in love with it.
As Fabulous Friend put it...now I can make coffee at my chilli red espresso machine whilst wearing my new red shoes and be listening to my red iPod...what a statement!
Red is definately my new pink.
H is dating someone again, which means he is being nice to me so for that I am grateful. He has already told me the problem is she wants children and he doesn't want any more. I can see a rosy future for that relationship...lol.
Ten days until surgery...haven't been sleeping again....
Thursday, September 27, 2007
HNT
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Sleep...
It's Wednesday morning and I had thirteen hours sleep last night - coming on the back of almost two weeks of averaging four or so hours a night, I am pretty much feeling like a million dollars right now.
I was lying on my bed at five thirty last night talking to Holiday Girl on the phone as she was driving home from work, remarking on how tired I was, then bam, I was out for the count. Woke up at seven o'clock this morning - still on top of the bed, in my business suit with heels on (lol) and a whole heap of missed calls of my phone.
God I needed that.
So today is going to be a good day, not a whole heap happening, just piano lessons for School Girl M and myself, a wee bit of work and then some quality time with my baby girl :)
Delicious in its mundaness.
I ordered the new iPod shuffle from the Apple website. I really wanted the new red colour but you can't get them over my side of the world, but instead of settling for a second favourite colour (never!) I discovered it was actually cheaper to order it direct from the website and get it shipped from the US. How cool is that! So that should arrive tomorrow and I am ridiculously excited...lol.
Life is good...is good...is good :)
Monday, September 17, 2007
Strength Amidst Tears...
Today I realised something...I am actually a really strong person.
People have been telling me it for the past eighteen or so months since H and I separated but today alone, I had four different people from different areas of my life all tell me the same thing - how they can not believe how strong I am being.
Am I?
I thought I was just doing what we all would do...putting one foot in front of the other and keeping on moving forward...accepting what I can not change and using knowledge as a form of acceptance over what I can control...
I wake up every morning and organise School Girl M for her day...I parent help at school...the children make me smile, I work...I take photographs and have meetings, I dress in black business suits with red high heeled shoes...I straighten my hair and take care with my make-up so it hides my horribly pale face and black shadows under my eyes...I say I'm fine when people ask me how I am feeling...I stand stoic when people hug me whom I don't expect it from...but this morning it came undone ever so slightly.
Last Friday one of the mothers from school died after a long battle with cancer. Today in place of school assembly the principal held a tribute service to this mother. She had been heavily involved in the school and there wasn't many dry eyes in the place. At one point the principal had to stop speaking as she was so choked up.
In amongst this all sat this School Mum's eight year old daughter. She never shed a tear, she sat there and listened to every word that was spoken, she gracefully accepted flowers from her classmates as they awkwardly stood by and thanked each speaker with her eyes shining brightly and a smile on her lips.
Whilst those around her fell to pieces, lost their voices and succumbed to emotion, this little child then stood and thanked us all. Her absolute belief that her mother was now in a better place, free of the pain and suffering she had endured for the past months was what enabled her to be at a level where others could only stare at from afar.
And afterwards there was a terrible scene with School Girl M...she realised that this girl's Mum has died, that she had gone to hospital and never come home again - her very fear for myself. She was hysterical...clung to me and wrapped her arms and legs around me and sobbed as the tears ran down inside my shirt. And although I tried so very hard not to, I felt the tears raining down my cheeks and we clung to each other.
Then her teacher came out and hugged us both as we cried. As we cried for the little girl with no mother and as we cried because for me, the reality of what is happening to me has finally hit home.
It was not the best start to a Monday.
But I am fine again now...what happens happens and I accept this. I will be coming home from the hospital and that is it.
Three weeks and two days...
Friday, September 14, 2007
Text Messages and A Degree Of Closure...
Text message exchange between Q's Girlfriend and myself this afternoon...
Q's GF: "I just wanted to again thank you for coming to me and being honest with me about what was going on with (Q). I'm texting you to let you know that (Q) and I are going to try and work through this together and he will be coming back to live with me. I'm not trying to hurt you by telling you this, rather, make sure you know the truth about us this time. In light of you knowing the truth, I hope that you can respect that decision and me enough to not contact (Q) anymore. I am sorry that he hurt you so badly but I have a baby on the way and so much invested in our relationship that I have nothing left to lose by trying. Please take care (MG), my thoughts will be with you as you fight your health battles.
MG: "Thank you also for your honesty with me, it is appreciated more than I can adequately convey. As I said, (Q) is out of my life, he hurt me immeasurably and I want nothing further to do with him. I completely respect you and your decision, I think you are an amazingly strong person and I admire your determination. I wish you all the best for your future, you deserve to be respected and to be happy and I hope you find that.
Q's GF: "I just wanted to again thank you for coming to me and being honest with me about what was going on with (Q). I'm texting you to let you know that (Q) and I are going to try and work through this together and he will be coming back to live with me. I'm not trying to hurt you by telling you this, rather, make sure you know the truth about us this time. In light of you knowing the truth, I hope that you can respect that decision and me enough to not contact (Q) anymore. I am sorry that he hurt you so badly but I have a baby on the way and so much invested in our relationship that I have nothing left to lose by trying. Please take care (MG), my thoughts will be with you as you fight your health battles.
MG: "Thank you also for your honesty with me, it is appreciated more than I can adequately convey. As I said, (Q) is out of my life, he hurt me immeasurably and I want nothing further to do with him. I completely respect you and your decision, I think you are an amazingly strong person and I admire your determination. I wish you all the best for your future, you deserve to be respected and to be happy and I hope you find that.
Q's GF: " Oh thank you so much (MG), I truly mean that...very few people in my life have made me cry with words in a text...I'm sorry it worked out this way for you. Take care.
And thus that chapter has ended...or as Fabulous Friend termed it - time to start an entire new book :)
And tonight I am putting all of this behind me and moving forward. School Girl M and I are going out to dinner with one of the single Dad's and his little girl from school, they are good friends and I am in need of some adult company!
Three weeks and five days...two weeks of school holidays in between...it is going to be on my doorstep faster than I can blink.
And thus that chapter has ended...or as Fabulous Friend termed it - time to start an entire new book :)
And tonight I am putting all of this behind me and moving forward. School Girl M and I are going out to dinner with one of the single Dad's and his little girl from school, they are good friends and I am in need of some adult company!
Three weeks and five days...two weeks of school holidays in between...it is going to be on my doorstep faster than I can blink.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Fabulous FriendThis post is a thank you to Fabulous Friend...and this is why.
For two and a half years FF has been there for me. Through every single day of the affair, right from the very first day as I bounced into her office with a smile plastered across my face through to this afternoon as we caught up over coffee.
Every day.
She has listened to every word that has come out of my mouth...she has given advice when I have asked for it, then continued to listen as I haven't taken her advice then fallen on my face yet again and she has been there to pick me up, dust me off and enable me to keep going.
Hysterical phone calls late at night...her driving me around some mornings...just driving, giving me enough time to pull myself together and stop crying before we go into meetings etc.
Her dropping everything to come over with a bottle of Omni when she recognised that sharp edge of desperation in my voice yet again.
And I found out much later, during the time period I had lied to her and told her the affair had ended, if she ever was dropping in to see me unannounced and saw his car in the driveway, she would reverse her car so we never saw her and drive away. And she never said a word to me.
The irony in this all is that she always said he was sleeping with his PA whilst I was having the affair with him and various other things that would also turn out to be true, and when I vehemently denied them, she respected my opinion and never pushed the point. And when it transpired, this week, that nearly all of what she said was correct, she never once said I told you so.
And her, who has no time for tears, just sitting with me as I cried, so very often and never criticising my decisions, my actions or my reactions....simply being there for me.
That is friendship...unconditional, accepting, supportive friendship.
And today for the millionth time, but perhaps with a slightly different intensity, I realised all over again, how lucky I am to have her as my friend.
I told her this today in a card I left on her desk at work. She responded with the following text...
"Thank you for the card, if I was a crying person that would have made me cry"
It is a personal joke between us that neither of us hug the other and she doesn't cry...
Understanding that I knew how touched she was by what I had written.
And she deserves the thanks of every word I wrote.
For being there for me, for your unconditional support...thank you.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Cry - Part ThreeTonight I put on James Blunt and I read my archives.
And finally the tears came.
And with it came the hurt of betrayal.
I feel like he has taken away everything I have held close to heart for the past two and a half years...like it was all a lie...I feel like he has stripped me of my memories and left me with nothing but a disjointed view on reality.
He lied to me.
He told me I was the only one...the lines he used on me...the pet names he called me...he used them all on her as well - at the same time.
The tears I cried over this man...but above all else - the belief I had in us...whilst there never actually was an us.
I was so stupid.
Everything I read in his eyes...what I chose to hear from his lips...how I interpreted his words...the depth of intensity of his looks, his caresses.
God.
I have been living a lie for so long.
He broke my heart, not by leaving but with his deception...because that was always the 'other' part of our lives...it didn't apply to us...we were 'real'..what we felt was so real...whilst everything else merely existed...we were alive together.
Yet all that time he was lying to me.
All day I have felt so sick.
And as a parting gesture he took with him my memories because now none of that ever existed, it was all a lie...a suspended moment in time that we all inhabited.
What a waste of my life.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Cry - Part TwoWe met. It took three hours, and even then it only ended because I had to go to work.
Is it strange to say we were quite similar? Perhaps. Or perhaps not.
Q had told me he was staying with her because of the child, that they slept in separate rooms, that, most recently she had moved out (the day she called me).
Whilst he was setting this particular scene for me he was also indulging in some pretty graphic text messages, photo's of himself etc which he was sending to me on a fairly regular basis.
When he was feeling low he would call and remind me how I was the only person who had ever mattered to him, how we had a connection that he would never find with anyone else...etc etc etc.
As recently as Saturday afternoon he was busy telling me he was coming to see me this week, that it was all over with his girlfriend...he wanted to see me...had to see me...
Recent conversations with him included "tell me how badly you want me (MG)...up against the wall with your legs wrapped around my waist"..."remember that (office block) with you on your knees, my cock in your mouth...how you looked me in the eyes as you swallowed every last drop"..."Christ (MG) I want to fuck you from behind, hard and fast and deep".
Repeatedly I asked him what was happening with her...he oscillated wildly between contemplating going back to her to conceding failure (yet again) and moving on.
She had some very interesting things to tell me, most of which I am choosing to try and forget, the odd tibit had a particular sting.
Apparently I was not the only person he was having an affair with during that time period he was still with his wife. Out of anything I heard in that three hour meeting, incomparably that fucking hurt the most.
The most the most the most...I'm still a bit numb over that.
But all I had to tell her she already suspected or knew. He has been living with her, flirting with me, seeing god knows who else and lying to and using both of us.
And for ever believing a word that came out of his mouth - we are both fools.
Meeting with her allowed me to see so many things for what they truly are, for seeing exactly how tangled his web of lies had become to the point where the life he had described to me as having was quite simply so far removed from reality - right down to who he worked with, where he lived, the little things that he didn't even need to be cagey about.
The meeting ended with two sad and slightly lost people who had both been done over by the same person. And she has no idea that I just wasted two and a half years of my life on this man.
My gut instinct is that they will end up back together...he sent me a filthy text today. I deleted it. He is hurting. We all are. Her picking up the phone and calling me that day three weeks ago just uncovered the tip of the ice burg - for all of us.
So Q is no longer in my life and I feel quite free. I did what I perceived to be the right thing. I was honest with her and in return she respected my honesty and I respected hers, even though what we both had to say was what neither of the other wanted to hear.
We both walked away knowing, moralistically we both did what was best. And like she said, if she chooses to go back to him now it will be an educated decision, knowing all the facts and with her eyes wide open. And as I walk away from this chapter in my life, although it stings to be ending this with Q on such a horrid note (and god it hurts), I leave knowing the truth about what he is really like, what our affair truly meant to him and having a true perspective on him as a person.
After so very very many false endings...this truly is it. And when you end something seeing a person's true colours - there is no desire to ever relive that. Ever.
And tonight I shall open a bottle of wine and shed a few last tears for what was, because at the height of it, it was worth it but as life goes once it had run it's course, circumstances changed...marriages ended...lives were unrecognisable to the shape they once took...custody battles were won and lost...but above all else...people changed.
I did and so did Q.
From my heart to that of a man who I no longer even know...goodbye.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Cry
I am doing something that I suspect I probably shouldn't be doing.
There has been a lot of things happening since the episode with Q's pregnant PA girlfriend phoning me etc and it is difficult to concisely explain them...but as an attempt....
Q is deliberating whether she will be his future or not.
No-one thinks he should go back to her, the main reasons seem to be she is very similar to his ex-wife in her obsessive possessiveness, her paranoia that he is cheating (he wasn't) and her fixation that he shall be accountable to her for every minute of his day. He is not happy with her and if she wasn't pregnant he would have left her by now (self admitted).
Why is he considering staying? Because he is already riding on the wave of failure that includes a failed first relationship from when he was very young that ended with a child...a failed marriage during which his self esteem was stripped from him...that ended with two children...and now this pregnancy. He wants to "do the right thing"..."try and make it work".
Warning bells already at that choice of language.
Tomorrow I am having coffee with the pregnant PA Girlfriend...and I have two choices.
1. Respect his quasi made decision to give it a go with her and tell her that there was never anything between us, yes he lied to her about speaking to me but that was all innocent and I thought she knew we were friends...he is committed to giving it a go with her and if she sees me as that much of a threat then I will step out of his life and let them get on with their lives together.
2. Be honest with her. Show her the texts he sent me whilst they were together...tell her truthfully that I did not have any idea about the pregnancy or even how serious they were (he did tell me it was a casual thing). Not be nasty in any senseless way, merely honest.
Does she deserve to know the truth and know he has been lying to her and to me for the entire time they have been together and that their relationship and if he gets his way - their future relationship has been and would be, based on lies?
Or do I lie and acknowledge that it is for the greater good and let him go and do this, and if it doesn't work out then I had no part in the undoing of it.
If I was her would I prefer honesty - even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear, or would I simply want the person I have cited as being responsible for the breakdown of my relationship with the man who is the father of my unborn child; to give me her word that I am vacating his life, thus no longer posing a 'threat' (be that real or imagined) to her and her future plans.
I like to believe I would want honesty, because I do think that with most things if the foundation is shaky and built on lies then it will eventually come unstuck in the end....so if not now then some time in the future, when both of them have been hurt even more - it could end.
Maybe it's not my place to make that decision for them and I need to choose choice number one and let them make their own mistakes, respect his decision to lie to her even if I do not agree with it.
After all, although she has dragged me in to this, it is not my life and I am not the one pregnant and uncertain as to where her future lies.
Christ, this is so fucked.
Ten thirty Monday morning...I feel sick already.
Cry - James Blunt
There has been a lot of things happening since the episode with Q's pregnant PA girlfriend phoning me etc and it is difficult to concisely explain them...but as an attempt....
Q is deliberating whether she will be his future or not.
No-one thinks he should go back to her, the main reasons seem to be she is very similar to his ex-wife in her obsessive possessiveness, her paranoia that he is cheating (he wasn't) and her fixation that he shall be accountable to her for every minute of his day. He is not happy with her and if she wasn't pregnant he would have left her by now (self admitted).
Why is he considering staying? Because he is already riding on the wave of failure that includes a failed first relationship from when he was very young that ended with a child...a failed marriage during which his self esteem was stripped from him...that ended with two children...and now this pregnancy. He wants to "do the right thing"..."try and make it work".
Warning bells already at that choice of language.
Tomorrow I am having coffee with the pregnant PA Girlfriend...and I have two choices.
1. Respect his quasi made decision to give it a go with her and tell her that there was never anything between us, yes he lied to her about speaking to me but that was all innocent and I thought she knew we were friends...he is committed to giving it a go with her and if she sees me as that much of a threat then I will step out of his life and let them get on with their lives together.
2. Be honest with her. Show her the texts he sent me whilst they were together...tell her truthfully that I did not have any idea about the pregnancy or even how serious they were (he did tell me it was a casual thing). Not be nasty in any senseless way, merely honest.
Does she deserve to know the truth and know he has been lying to her and to me for the entire time they have been together and that their relationship and if he gets his way - their future relationship has been and would be, based on lies?
Or do I lie and acknowledge that it is for the greater good and let him go and do this, and if it doesn't work out then I had no part in the undoing of it.
If I was her would I prefer honesty - even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear, or would I simply want the person I have cited as being responsible for the breakdown of my relationship with the man who is the father of my unborn child; to give me her word that I am vacating his life, thus no longer posing a 'threat' (be that real or imagined) to her and her future plans.
I like to believe I would want honesty, because I do think that with most things if the foundation is shaky and built on lies then it will eventually come unstuck in the end....so if not now then some time in the future, when both of them have been hurt even more - it could end.
Maybe it's not my place to make that decision for them and I need to choose choice number one and let them make their own mistakes, respect his decision to lie to her even if I do not agree with it.
After all, although she has dragged me in to this, it is not my life and I am not the one pregnant and uncertain as to where her future lies.
Christ, this is so fucked.
Ten thirty Monday morning...I feel sick already.
Cry - James Blunt
I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel a fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.
You and I have lived through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Rollercoasters...
Right now my life seems to have more twists and turns than a rollercoaster at Disneyland...
Sunday was Fathers Day over my side of the world...and with it came another stunning effort from H.
I am too tired of the whole situation to explain it adequately but the highlight was him standing on my front doorstep with School Girl M next to him whilst he yelled at me that I was a "fucking mole" and how "I hope you die of this cancer you bitch".
And he wonders why School Girl M was hysterical for the entire afternoon to the point where he actually had to bring her back to me because she didn't believe I would be alive when she eventually returned.
Collateral damage includes her falling to pieces in class every day this week so far...tears...separation anxiety and finally aggression.
This is my little baby....the youngest child at her school, little blond haired muchkin who is so cute in her uniform that people stop me in the street to comment on her...and now she is becoming aggressive.
My response to this all?
MG: (steely look) "(H) if I ever needed a reason, a motivation to get me through surgery, to ensure I will come home to my baby...you have just given it to me...because there is no way in hell I am going anywhere and leaving you to raise my daughter"
How could you ever say that to another human being? That you hope they die. Even in my most darkest of times with him last year, no matter how hurt I was, how right I felt I was and how awful I thought he was behaving - I never wished him dead (just a very very long way away).
I felt like a tiny part of my faith in humanity died that night.
Five weeks to go....
Thursday, August 30, 2007
An Insurance Post...
I have written a post...it is a type of insurance of sorts and it is saved to my drafts until this time period is over, then I shall publish it.
Because I have put it in writing, it shall all come true now...because that is what happens.
My surgery has been rescheduled because of hospital waiting lists here...no biggy...I'm not letting it get to me.
The countdown now sits at five weeks and six days.
So it sounds better to term it...this time in six weeks it will all be over and I will know where my life is heading.
More blood tests tomorrow...my poor veins...I have very pale skin so the bruises tend to go through the colour spectrum before they finally fade. Sometimes I think I look like a druggie.
My specialist appointment yesterday was supposed to be for an hour...I was still there two and a half hours later. She found four large cysts in my breasts but they are the least of her worries so that was another non-biggy.
For those of you who don't know (this is directed at men and I am so completely dissassociated from my body right now so bear with me)...having a breast examination when you are (wildly) premenstrual hurts like hell. Lots of deep prodding with sharp fingers as you try (very hard) not to grimace visibly.
Ouch...
I received the most stunning delivery of flowers yesterday from one of my clients and what made me smile the hardest (through my tears) was the giant packet of mini chocolate bars tied to the front with a big pink ribbon. How well they know me...lol.
My clients have been so lovely and so understanding...in reality I expected nothing less but it is still so touching to have people I only know on a professional basis offer me such intense and practical support.
I told School Girl Mermaid...it went well, she was more interested in exactly how big my 'giant bandaid' was going to be and if she could touch it. Then she went to school and told everyone at news time that "My Mummy is going to have a GIANT bandaid on her (snicker)...BOOBS!!!"
Much snickering took place on the school mat that particular morning...LOL. Always glad to provide the entertainment.
I am filling my days with work...I have taken on an extra cash job doing accounting for a week or so....good money and it distracts me. It is working for Fabulous Photographer Friend's mother and she is a wise woman...I have had the chance to verbalise so much of what has been trapped in my head and that has helped immensely.
I was fitted for my post surgery bra when I went to the specialist...that was VERY amusing...the look on my face must have been priceless because the nurse fell about laughing (they are all very positive and funny at the clinic). She told me it was "like a nursing bra". To which I replied..."a what?"...School Girl M was a bottle fed baby from the moment she was born. Point being I had never seen a bra like this up close and personal - thank god!!
I have to wear this contraption for TWELVE WEEKS...of which the first six weeks will be for twenty four hours a day. Mmmm...two weeks in the Land of Holidays with me in a horrid look-a-like Nursing Bra. I should be grateful I will be surviving cancer? Absolutely...(this bra has to be seen to be believed....)
And I end this post with a smile on my face :)
Monday, August 27, 2007
Phone calls
I need to be blogging...I am not sleeping, my head is bursting with too many thoughts and I am emotionally overloaded.
I need to tell School Girl Mermaid that I will be going to hospital, yet I don't know when to do it.
She is so smart...too smart. Do I tell her now and allow her enough time to think it over and be here for her when she has questions or needs the security of her mother....or do I tell her when it's over?
I could actually do the latter if I wanted as she will be with H for his access time when I am in hospital...yet I want to respect her as well, what if something happens and I have to stay longer and she comes home to the news that I'm not there because I'm in hospital? No warning...
Today I read Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About The Bike. Amazing book but not the best thing for me to read right now. It actually just succeeded in making things worse in my mind...because as it goes, my imagination tends to be my worst enemy.
Today I went shopping and bought the Willow Tree ornament of Mother and Daughter. I have wanted it for a while now but have been waiting for a significant occasion. This probably wasn't quite what I had envisaged but it merely takes on a different and more powerful symbolism now. The figurine is of a mother and her daughter hugging and as I sit here and write this I am looking at it...and I see myself and my beautiful child.
And one...only the one....tear falls and slides a slow and aching path down my cheek.
And in amongst this all...I get a psychotic phone call from Q's girlfriend, accusing me of having an affair with him. She was screaming at me down the phone, then she drops the bombshell...
The Girlfriend: "I don't suppose (Q) bothered to tell you that I am six months pregnant with his baby?"
MG: (oh so calmly) "No, he didn't"
Whilst I felt like my heart was breaking.
Then she started a tirade, so I quietly hung the phone up, curled into a little ball on the sofa and sobbed.
This was two hours after I found out I have cancer.
I haven't seen Q since last year, almost twelve months ago now, we speak on the phone once a month or so. Nothing of significance.
Then she sends me the following text:
"(MG), (Q's Girlfriend) here. I am sending (Q) to stay with you, it seems you want each other enough, you deserve each other too. I suggest you both get some professional help because you both can't help yourselves but fuck other peoples lives and relationships up as some kind of cheap thrill. Well (MG), well done, you won the game and (Q) is your prize. Cheers for taking him off my hands, you're doing me a favour"
She had a fixation that he was cheating on her, for god knows what reason she decided it was with me, so she tapped into his phone records on the internet and called every number she didn't know (I kid you not) until she found the one call to my home number he has ever made. If you look hard enough you will always find the 'proof' you need to substantiate you suspicion.
Then she left him. And cited me as the reason.
I might as well have been sleeping with him if I'm getting blamed for all of this.
I had fallen into a quasi relationship with Trainer Boy and it all ended last night. Horrible and very hurtful things were said until we reached the point where I knew I could take no more or this. We are very different people and it's fun when we are casual etc but right now I don't need casual, I need support from my friends, not judgment for how I could be handling this differently.
I have never had cancer before - I don't know how to do this. Right now I feel like there was how I coped with my life before my diagnosis and there is now - and somehow the same principles etc don't seem to work anymore.
Cancer does not discriminate. I wish it did. How can I be twenty nine, be the healthiest and fittest I have been in years and this happens now?
I do not understand this and I need to understand so I can figure out how to fight it.
I need to tell School Girl Mermaid that I will be going to hospital, yet I don't know when to do it.
She is so smart...too smart. Do I tell her now and allow her enough time to think it over and be here for her when she has questions or needs the security of her mother....or do I tell her when it's over?
I could actually do the latter if I wanted as she will be with H for his access time when I am in hospital...yet I want to respect her as well, what if something happens and I have to stay longer and she comes home to the news that I'm not there because I'm in hospital? No warning...
Today I read Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About The Bike. Amazing book but not the best thing for me to read right now. It actually just succeeded in making things worse in my mind...because as it goes, my imagination tends to be my worst enemy.
Today I went shopping and bought the Willow Tree ornament of Mother and Daughter. I have wanted it for a while now but have been waiting for a significant occasion. This probably wasn't quite what I had envisaged but it merely takes on a different and more powerful symbolism now. The figurine is of a mother and her daughter hugging and as I sit here and write this I am looking at it...and I see myself and my beautiful child.
And one...only the one....tear falls and slides a slow and aching path down my cheek.
And in amongst this all...I get a psychotic phone call from Q's girlfriend, accusing me of having an affair with him. She was screaming at me down the phone, then she drops the bombshell...
The Girlfriend: "I don't suppose (Q) bothered to tell you that I am six months pregnant with his baby?"
MG: (oh so calmly) "No, he didn't"
Whilst I felt like my heart was breaking.
Then she started a tirade, so I quietly hung the phone up, curled into a little ball on the sofa and sobbed.
This was two hours after I found out I have cancer.
I haven't seen Q since last year, almost twelve months ago now, we speak on the phone once a month or so. Nothing of significance.
Then she sends me the following text:
"(MG), (Q's Girlfriend) here. I am sending (Q) to stay with you, it seems you want each other enough, you deserve each other too. I suggest you both get some professional help because you both can't help yourselves but fuck other peoples lives and relationships up as some kind of cheap thrill. Well (MG), well done, you won the game and (Q) is your prize. Cheers for taking him off my hands, you're doing me a favour"
She had a fixation that he was cheating on her, for god knows what reason she decided it was with me, so she tapped into his phone records on the internet and called every number she didn't know (I kid you not) until she found the one call to my home number he has ever made. If you look hard enough you will always find the 'proof' you need to substantiate you suspicion.
Then she left him. And cited me as the reason.
I might as well have been sleeping with him if I'm getting blamed for all of this.
I had fallen into a quasi relationship with Trainer Boy and it all ended last night. Horrible and very hurtful things were said until we reached the point where I knew I could take no more or this. We are very different people and it's fun when we are casual etc but right now I don't need casual, I need support from my friends, not judgment for how I could be handling this differently.
I have never had cancer before - I don't know how to do this. Right now I feel like there was how I coped with my life before my diagnosis and there is now - and somehow the same principles etc don't seem to work anymore.
Cancer does not discriminate. I wish it did. How can I be twenty nine, be the healthiest and fittest I have been in years and this happens now?
I do not understand this and I need to understand so I can figure out how to fight it.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
The Countdown To Surgery...
Surgery is booked on the 18th September. Specialist appointments more or less weekly between now and then.
They are cautiously optimistic it is non-invasive cancer and will get it all with just surgery, which means no chemo. That will obviously depend on what they find when they open me up but I am feeling positive.
I have been warned that they will probably take a large portion of both breasts, that I can cope with - I never liked them anyway!
Three weeks and five days to go...
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I'll be back in a couple of months....thank you for all your good wishes and support., and when I return I will be healthy...I shall I shall I shall...because sheer determination will see me through this.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Goodbye...
I think it's time for my blogging journey to come to an end.
It's been over two years now (!)...
Through the emotional turmoil and heartache of the affair with my Q-Boy...through my marriage break-up and subsequent court and custody battles for my beautiful daughter and in recent times simply a diary of sorts through my various attempts at finding someone special, and failing miserably each time!
I have to laugh at myself when I read back over old entries - so much angst and such intensity of emotion! Yet at the time it was all so consuming....so real.
Thank god it rarely is, although that profound knowledge is only usually gained after the fact.
Now there are things happening in my life that need my attention, the lump in my breast has returned and after an ultrasound, blood tests and a biopsy the doctor is deeming it necessary to operate.
I am posting this here because I do not know what my breast will look like after surgery...but this is how I want to remember it looking...I am twenty nine years old....my daughter is five years old and nothing will stop me being here to watch her grow up...I don't care if my body is scarred and battered, I don't care what they will find when they open me up...how they remove it...all I want is to open my eyes up at the end of this all and know I am going home to my baby.
I shall not go into that any further here though, these thoughts are remaining inside my mind for now...which is how it must be.
I shall not go into that any further here though, these thoughts are remaining inside my mind for now...which is how it must be.
So for all of you who have ever read my humble little blog...for those of you who left me comments and emails...and for those special people who through all the ups and downs of the past two years of my life have shown me such tremendous support - thanks to you all and I shall always remember this part of my life with a smile.
Love and kisses to everyone and thanks for coming along for the ride, I'll miss each one of you.
Mermaid Girl
xxx
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Overloading
Mid winter cold...absolutely everyone has it - School Girl Mermaid even had two days off school for the first time ever.
The week that was...
After a manic ant invasion (re: wake up in the night and find ants crawling on your face...urgh) the house was due to get sprayed. The only day the exterminator can do it is Wednesday afternoon and we can't go back for four days afterwards (lots of ants...strong poison inside and out). So School Girl M and I stay at Fabulous Friend's house - in a double bed together.
I do not like sharing a bed with anyone...
I awoke at six am to the sound of School Girl M vomiting in the bed next to me...that was enough to make me move pretty damn fast. After surveying the damage (massive) I packed her up and we returned to the ant poisoned house - I don't think we were that welcome at Fab Friends anymore...lol.
As it goes....
Then H, being a perpetually whinging male who never simply has a cold, but instead is always dying...comes down with a head cold. It was his weekend with School Girl M so even though I was sick too, as was she, I had her for the entire weekend whilst he phoned periodically to tell me how sick he was.
Die in peace already!
So now it's Wednesday and I have gone through so many boxes of tissues I think I'm single handedly keeping Kleenex in business.
I'm having issues with Friend With Benefits. As it turn out - oh and as history also shows - I am not very good at merely having a fuck buddy and them remaining just that.
This guy is seriously cool and I really like him, and I am completely aware of how ridiculously inarticulate I am sounding right now...lol.
But he is in a messy place and his children don't particularly like me (they resent the time he spends with me) and to be honest I really don't want to get involved with something long term that could end up with three children (including School Girl M). That's just not my scene. As I told him last week I am an adult and the time I have away from my child I do adult things and I need that time for myself. The few times there has been all of us together it has been chaos and although his children are nice, it is a completely different ball game going from one quiet child whom you can basically do what you want with, go anywhere etc, to three noisy children who all want to do something different at the same time etc.
It was chaos...and every time I just get stressed.
Call me anal but I like just having one child and the control that comes with it. School Girl M and I go to cafes for breakfast before going shopping then to the library to feed the ducks. On a whim we can pack up the car and vanish for the weekend or we can order pizza and not move off the couch for the night. We combine child and adult things quite nicely and I can go anywhere with her and she thinks it is great. That is completely lost when you add other children to the mix and I really didn't enjoy myself. Add to this also an annoyingly unpredictable ex-wife who likes to use the children to manipulate FWB and make him look like a bad parent. I so don't want to go back to playing that particular game, it was bad enough when H was engaged to Head Case and that was her idea of fun.
And truly, that is only indicative of things to come if I continued with FWB.
I am not sure that is how I want my life to be.
I guess I feel a little bit ashamed of myself that I am not willing to take on someone else's children yet eventually I would expect someone to accept School Girl M - I am aware of how hypocritical that makes me and I'm not happy about it, yet I also think I shouldn't settle for second best just because I think that that is what having a child means I should do.
I also owe it to her to be happy so I am then, in turn, a positive role model for her - and let's face it, after one unhappy marriage - who wants an unhappy relationship and if the warning bells are ringing this early on...well.
Overloading....
The week that was...
After a manic ant invasion (re: wake up in the night and find ants crawling on your face...urgh) the house was due to get sprayed. The only day the exterminator can do it is Wednesday afternoon and we can't go back for four days afterwards (lots of ants...strong poison inside and out). So School Girl M and I stay at Fabulous Friend's house - in a double bed together.
I do not like sharing a bed with anyone...
I awoke at six am to the sound of School Girl M vomiting in the bed next to me...that was enough to make me move pretty damn fast. After surveying the damage (massive) I packed her up and we returned to the ant poisoned house - I don't think we were that welcome at Fab Friends anymore...lol.
As it goes....
Then H, being a perpetually whinging male who never simply has a cold, but instead is always dying...comes down with a head cold. It was his weekend with School Girl M so even though I was sick too, as was she, I had her for the entire weekend whilst he phoned periodically to tell me how sick he was.
Die in peace already!
So now it's Wednesday and I have gone through so many boxes of tissues I think I'm single handedly keeping Kleenex in business.
I'm having issues with Friend With Benefits. As it turn out - oh and as history also shows - I am not very good at merely having a fuck buddy and them remaining just that.
This guy is seriously cool and I really like him, and I am completely aware of how ridiculously inarticulate I am sounding right now...lol.
But he is in a messy place and his children don't particularly like me (they resent the time he spends with me) and to be honest I really don't want to get involved with something long term that could end up with three children (including School Girl M). That's just not my scene. As I told him last week I am an adult and the time I have away from my child I do adult things and I need that time for myself. The few times there has been all of us together it has been chaos and although his children are nice, it is a completely different ball game going from one quiet child whom you can basically do what you want with, go anywhere etc, to three noisy children who all want to do something different at the same time etc.
It was chaos...and every time I just get stressed.
Call me anal but I like just having one child and the control that comes with it. School Girl M and I go to cafes for breakfast before going shopping then to the library to feed the ducks. On a whim we can pack up the car and vanish for the weekend or we can order pizza and not move off the couch for the night. We combine child and adult things quite nicely and I can go anywhere with her and she thinks it is great. That is completely lost when you add other children to the mix and I really didn't enjoy myself. Add to this also an annoyingly unpredictable ex-wife who likes to use the children to manipulate FWB and make him look like a bad parent. I so don't want to go back to playing that particular game, it was bad enough when H was engaged to Head Case and that was her idea of fun.
And truly, that is only indicative of things to come if I continued with FWB.
I am not sure that is how I want my life to be.
I guess I feel a little bit ashamed of myself that I am not willing to take on someone else's children yet eventually I would expect someone to accept School Girl M - I am aware of how hypocritical that makes me and I'm not happy about it, yet I also think I shouldn't settle for second best just because I think that that is what having a child means I should do.
I also owe it to her to be happy so I am then, in turn, a positive role model for her - and let's face it, after one unhappy marriage - who wants an unhappy relationship and if the warning bells are ringing this early on...well.
Overloading....
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
It's Going!
In the past two weeks I have lost over two kg (about five pound)...I am feeling better about myself...am finally stopping craving Margaritas...although last week after a truly horrid day at work I went on a bender...
It consisted of Fabulous Friend...her son (who I am moving in with in a couple of months time) and Trainer Boy (who has graduated to being Friend With Benefits - yeah that was only a matter of time...lol).
I drank a ridiculous amount of alcohol...passed out in Soon To Be Housemate's bed (at Fab Friend's house) whilst he slept on the sofa...I woke up screaming about an imaginary spider running across the wall at 4am...it was a bit of a sorry state of affairs...lol.
Have had a crazy couple of days catching up with people...some blasts from the past included PA Boy...my fabulous Super Slut (who will always define the true spirit of the Land Of Holidays, to me) and various other friends who seem to have fallen by the wayside of late.
I received a text from my friend tonight saying her Nana passed away tonight, this is the friend who lost her mother earlier this year to cancer after a long and very sad battle. Although I am losing my beautiful grandfather it has made me so grateful that, at least for now, he is here with us. He had his last treatment of radiotherapy today...and now we wait.
Another milestone happened today...almost innoculously so. My Sister In Law...whom I was always so close to and she stopped talking to me last year when I took H to court (she is his SIL too, married to his brother so not blood related to him)...well I bumped into her at the local shopping centre last week and she suggested "lunch to mend some burnt bridges".
I have to be honest, I was really apprehensive...as some of you may remember, losing her friendship was one of the things that hit me the hardest in amongst everything that happened at that time. Lunch went ok, she alternated between being defensive then apologetic for the past. I didn't talk a lot, just let her say what she needed/wanted to. I could see she really wanted me to give her reassurance that she didn't hurt me, that she had actually acted in everyone's best interests etc. I just couldn't do it.
As I listened to her voice all I could hear was her last words to me on the phone..and I felt the hurt well up in all over again...like it hadn't been eight months since I sat on the end of my bed with my arms wrapped tightly around myself and cried bitter hot tears as I realised exactly how wide spread the repercussions of my decision truly were.
But I do not regret that decision, nor will I ever. No one will ever raise their hand to me and my child...if they are my husband or a complete stranger...and I will never ever make any excuses for defending my child in the safest way possible.
So lunch ended with SIL telling me she is pregnant with her third child..me hiding a smile as she then proceeded to tell me how much debt her and her husband are in etc. Some things really don't change.
I guess I feel a degree of closure tonight, it is good.
Balance :)
Training - time to kick some serious arse...love it!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
HNT
This is a few hours early but it's Wednesday night on my side of the world and I'm heading out for the night...
Thursday, July 05, 2007
HNT
Happy HNT...it's been a while
Thursday, June 28, 2007
I Shall
Still here...detoxing...shaky and headachy...coming down off the massive amounts of sugar I have been pumping into my body every day.
Sunday was horrid, I lay in bed and whinged to anyone that had the misfortune of phoning me...I had pins and needles in my hands and after a session at the gym I was ready to crawl into a black cave never to return.
But now it's Thursday and I'm still alive, been drinking lots of vegetable soup (homemade oh so lovingly by Trainer Boy) and am heading to the gym today.
I shall lose this weight.
Shall...shall...shall.
In other news...six weeks after New Person and I break up for the final time, he has a mini breakdown, was diagnosed with depression and is now in therapy. It was more involved than I care to recount other than to say it was a very draining time for me to the point where I felt I was being stalked by him (re: endless phone calls to the point where I had to turn my mobile off...turning up on my doorstep late at night and not leaving when I ask him to). I actually started staying at different people's houses to get away from him.
I called his best friend and told him everything...asked him to take over...NP was very angry at me but he needs to realise that he can't pin all his hopes on us getting back together and use that as his motivation to get through the depression. I am not the right person to support him through this.
He is calling less now...which is a positive sign.
Friday, June 22, 2007
The Master Plan
So the serious weight loss begins tomorrow. My Trainer (as he shall be known) took me out food shopping today and did some serious nutrition education with me. It was severe in that I want to lose weight, so my food options are so much more limited than I originally thought.
Crap food..lol...this will take me a while to get used to.
The basic gist of this goes (tune out if you really don't care, I won't be offended...lol)
Breakfast is oats with either Soy milk (fresh) or low fat yoghurt.
Lunch is my carbs (one slice of bread) and a salad.
Dinner is protein (fish, steak or chicken) with steamed vegetables.
Snacks (twice daily) are fruit.
Low carb, high protein and eating reguarly throughout the day. If I stick to it and keep up the current level of exercise (gymed it up four times this week so far!) then basically the weight has to come off.
Oh, and did I mention no alcohol?
Yup...and there spells the end of my love affair with Margaritas.
Tonight I have arranged a girl's night out dinner where I will have my final bender with strawberry Margaritas and a mountain of chocolate mousse. Dinner may feature in there somewhere, but hey...wouldn't want to take up valuable tummy space.
I am aiming to lose half a kilo per week (about 1.1lb I think) over three months...I have bought scales (first time I have owned them!) and a food diary and calorie counter etc...now it just comes down to my self restraint.
Did I also mention I had a packet of chocolate chip biscuits for breakfast, three fudge brownies for lunch and a Margarita for afternoon tea?
Yeah...watch this space...in a few days it may very well be filled with the incoherent ramblings of a person in serious withdrawl.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Back I Go....And because I am so lucky...this weekend I am going back, once again, to the Land of Holidays for a couple of nights.
The guy I met who was a contestant on the Biggest Loser has been training me four times a week (I'm getting my arse kicked!) and he has to go over to Holiday Land for show committments so I am going with him.
Land of Holidays....Land of Holidays....Land of Holidays....
*happy sigh*
I have made my Uncle a beautiful photo frame of nine photographs I took on the weekend of his graduation. He doesn't know I even have these photographs and they include photographs of him and his son (whom he has recently started seeing after having little contact with since he was a baby), so there are some precious memories there. I can't wait to see the look on his face :)
I have found a photograph of me, taken in Holiday Land last July when Holiday Girl and I escaped for our girl's weekend. It is my goal photo for what I hope to look like in two months time after all this training and nutrition work etc. I am posting it here as an incentive to myself to stick to the regime.
My theory goes that this is wholly achievable because I have done it once, therefore I can do it again.
And to the person who asked me a while ago about the weight loss pills I was trying. They were called Fat Blaster and they didn't really work for me. They put a lot of stress on your heart and basically work by filling your stomach up so you feel full and eat less. They didn't work for me because I am an emotional eater and it doesn't matter if I was bursting at the seams, I'd still be putting the food in my mouth.
Back again next week...with a smile on my face once again :)
Monday, June 04, 2007
Graduating and Graduation
It was a magical trip, filled with family - it was one of the first times that I have truly understood the pull of family in that context, from my father's side....and it was something special.
We threw a huge party for my uncle in honour of his graduation (Doctor of Philosophy)...everyone neglected to tell me I had been nominated to do the speech until it was actually speech time - by which point I was slightly drunk...lol. But I must have done something right because several people cried... and everyone seemed happy.
The highlight of the trip for me?
Significant moments included watching my Uncle place his graduation robe and cap on and look in the mirror for the first time....the joy on my grandfathers face at having all of us together, four generations of family from around the world...meeting my cousin for the first time (I have only three cousins) and finding someone very similar to me....
But above all else was this exchanged I witnessed on graduation day...
Grandfather: (with tears in his eyes and his voice choked with emotion) "I am SO proud of you son"
Uncle: (hugging him tightly) "You made me everything I am Dad"
And with that I had to excuse myself and go and have a bit of a sob in the other room.
And after a whirlwind four days I am back in reality and as usual the Land of Holidays seems like an entire world away....
We threw a huge party for my uncle in honour of his graduation (Doctor of Philosophy)...everyone neglected to tell me I had been nominated to do the speech until it was actually speech time - by which point I was slightly drunk...lol. But I must have done something right because several people cried... and everyone seemed happy.
The highlight of the trip for me?
Significant moments included watching my Uncle place his graduation robe and cap on and look in the mirror for the first time....the joy on my grandfathers face at having all of us together, four generations of family from around the world...meeting my cousin for the first time (I have only three cousins) and finding someone very similar to me....
But above all else was this exchanged I witnessed on graduation day...
Grandfather: (with tears in his eyes and his voice choked with emotion) "I am SO proud of you son"
Uncle: (hugging him tightly) "You made me everything I am Dad"
And with that I had to excuse myself and go and have a bit of a sob in the other room.
And after a whirlwind four days I am back in reality and as usual the Land of Holidays seems like an entire world away....
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Leaving On A Jet Plane
I leave for the airport in an hours time...and by this afternoon I would have escaped this crazy winter weather (it's currently torrenting down with rain here...windy to the point of destructiveness and oh so cold) and I will be sitting on a beach enjoying temperatures at least twice what I am now and running around barefoot with a glass of wine in my hand.
Long live holidays!
I'll be back next week (short break)...make sure you all behave...lol.
Love & Kisses
MG
Thursday, May 17, 2007
The Magic Of Birthdays
D (aka Very Unimpressed Mother) had the baby in the early hours of yesterday morning...on my birthday, so now the great unknown (or Baby Stripes as I had taken to calling her tummy) is now officially become a boy, named Harrison.
My birthday was fabulous - a billion gazillion times happier than last years (couldn't be hard - getting teeth pulled with no anaesthetic would have preferable to last years train wreck).
After a day of minimum work and lots of play, I went out to dinner with Fabulous Friend and drunk a bucket load of strawberry Margaritas - funnily enough at the restaurant owned by a contestant from this season's Biggest Loser, so I got to have a (slightly inebriated) chat with him about the show and the training etc, which was fascinating.
New Person picked me up later and we went out for drinks (strawberry champagne this time)...which lead to a night of drinking until the early hours of this morning when I crawled into bed to capture an elusive few hours sleep before School Girl M returned and I had to parent help in her class.
The hangover is minimal...I have eaten twelve chocolate fudge biscuits today which is helping and now I sit here and write this and watch the rain fall and signify that autumn is over and the horrid cold winter is setting in.
Next week will be one year since I moved into my little house...
I received the call yesterday I have been holding my breath waiting for...in six weeks time I will start an ongoing contract with two offices, having bided my time with these particular clients (two years!!) and now it will be paying dividends as it will be lucrative and should provide me with at least a large part of the financial security I need right now.
I think I may just believe in the magic of birthdays once again.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Haircuts cont...
So in the continuing saga of the Hair Dresser Mermaid....
Little Friend is picked up by her Very Unimpressed Mother and taken to her hairdresser to have her hair fixed up. It is now one inch long all over - it is hard to look at her without laughing (the kind of desperate omg I can't believe I am partially responsible for that massacre type of laugh). Little Friend's father was Less Than Impressed also...the parents ended up in a big fight over it (hormonal nine months pregnant Mum and ever so slightly irritated Dad) when he decided it would be a good idea to go outside and chop some kindling for the wood fire.
Change scene to Slightly Unimpressed Dad lying on the freezing ground outside in indescribable agony, having cut clean through his Achilles tendon with the axe.
It made me wince even typing those words.
So he has had emergency surgery...the Mum is still hanging onto that baby and Little Friend still looks like an axe could have done a better job on her hair.
Lol.
Brother I Adore is getting married this weekend, to the horrible girlfriend. I wasn't invited (registry office wedding as he is taking an overseas job in two weeks and she gets more benefits if she goes as his wife). I cried when I got off the phone...the thoughts I have about her are too horrible to write, even here.
My grandparents are here now - it was a shock to see how much my grandfather has slowed down. We went out to lunch and he couldn't walk far at all, Gran had to take his arm - I hadn't realised....it made me sad.
It's the day of the fabulous fifth birthday party tomorrow...we are all so excited - I have never been excited about School Girl Mermaid's parties before - but this one is going to be so lovely,for the first time ever I will have some members of my family there, so it's not just about H and his family.
To those of you who celebrate Mothers Day this weekend - enjoy your special day :)
Little Friend is picked up by her Very Unimpressed Mother and taken to her hairdresser to have her hair fixed up. It is now one inch long all over - it is hard to look at her without laughing (the kind of desperate omg I can't believe I am partially responsible for that massacre type of laugh). Little Friend's father was Less Than Impressed also...the parents ended up in a big fight over it (hormonal nine months pregnant Mum and ever so slightly irritated Dad) when he decided it would be a good idea to go outside and chop some kindling for the wood fire.
Change scene to Slightly Unimpressed Dad lying on the freezing ground outside in indescribable agony, having cut clean through his Achilles tendon with the axe.
It made me wince even typing those words.
So he has had emergency surgery...the Mum is still hanging onto that baby and Little Friend still looks like an axe could have done a better job on her hair.
Lol.
Brother I Adore is getting married this weekend, to the horrible girlfriend. I wasn't invited (registry office wedding as he is taking an overseas job in two weeks and she gets more benefits if she goes as his wife). I cried when I got off the phone...the thoughts I have about her are too horrible to write, even here.
My grandparents are here now - it was a shock to see how much my grandfather has slowed down. We went out to lunch and he couldn't walk far at all, Gran had to take his arm - I hadn't realised....it made me sad.
It's the day of the fabulous fifth birthday party tomorrow...we are all so excited - I have never been excited about School Girl Mermaid's parties before - but this one is going to be so lovely,for the first time ever I will have some members of my family there, so it's not just about H and his family.
To those of you who celebrate Mothers Day this weekend - enjoy your special day :)
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Going on a holiday!!!
Back to the place where Holiday Girl and I usually escape to...this time with School Girl M and I...
It will be a family reunion of sorts. My Uncle is graduating with his PhD so family is flying over from my home country, it will be the first time ever that we have all been together - the only one missing unfortunately will be my father, he has gone overseas again to work...but this can't be helped.
The airfares are booked...the car is hired and I am all ready to go!!! God I am excited...this time I can actually go and not have the stress of H in the back of my mind.
My beautiful grandparents arrive next week, my grandfather's chemo will begin after this trip - I can not actually quite believe I will get to see him again. I have a vision of him, in my mind, how he looked at the airport when I told him I loved him, when I said my goodbyes to him thinking that this would be the last time I saw him. Knowing I will see him again makes me believe in second chances...it is making me emotional even writing these words.
School Girl M has her fifth birthday party whilst my grandparents are here...fifteen children...a pink love heart cake with hot pink flowers and her name etc written on it. The problem is that whilst Little Friend was here, they played hairdresser and gave each other haircuts.
With REAL SCISSORS.
Fuck.
I was sitting here waiting for D to come and pick up Little Friend when I suddenly noticed School Girl Mermaid's hair. She has a freakin mullet!!! (Insert swearing on my part) She has glorious long blond hair that save the odd trim, has never been cut.
OMFG...her birthday party photographs, she will have a mullet in them.
I seriously do not know whether to laugh or cry.
Or both perhaps.
Friday, May 04, 2007
A Pregnant Friend
It's Friday night...and I am the epitome of a single parent.
School Girl has a little friend to stay for a sleep over - it is the first time she has had a friend to stay overnight...we are an hour and a half into it and I am ready to crawl into bed and go to sleep (bugger them, they have free reign of the house...anything - just leave me alone dammit!)
Little Friend School Girl has a Mum (D) who is nine months pregnant...she has been having labour pains for twenty four hours now, she collapsed leaving school today after dropping off Little Friend (I was cautiously optimistic as my bet in the sweepstake pool was on her giving birth today!) yet she has hung on...lol...not by choice, she is at that point where she just wants that damn baby out of her body no matter what it takes.
My parenting skills have gone out the window tonight...we have had pizza for the second night running (we usually have pizza about once a month or so) and I am looking at the bottom of my third glass of Omni. D is going to text if she goes into labour tonight so I can have Little Friend for the entire weekend - bugger the sweepstakes, I told her to cross her legs until Monday!
The above photo is actually D's tummy...I shot it a few nights ago...in a week or so she will look the photo and laugh...in a month or so she will look at it and marvel that she was ever that size. Today she looked at it and sighed...a big deep sigh that reverberated through my memories of being that pregnant.
I admire her for going back a second time to do this...more than I can adequately convey to her.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Musings
I was watching Greys Anatomy tonight when the following thought occurred to me...
Why is it that we hurt the people we love?
Yes, that was an incredibly cliche moment to be having such a realisation but nevertheless...
I look at what New Person and I share...it is crazy, confusing and most of the time pretty emotionally destructive - yet I keep going back.
I was talking to H about relationships today - he was dissecting his relationship with the Psychotic Ex Girlfriend and I was generically musing over NP's traits when we quite randomnly drew the same conclusion about us as individuals - we tolerated so much in our respective relationships that we never would have put up with in our marriage.
Bizarre but quite true.
What made this happen?
Not too sure...I put it in the too hard basket to join School Girl M's questions of the week that included why doesn't God die, can kittens pick their noses with their tongues like her (teenage) Uncle can and if the moon really is made of rock then why doesn't it fall out of the sky (ever tried explaining the intricacies of space to a four year old??)
NP has taken to leaving me messages declaring how much he misses me...I am a bit confused - I thought we had broken up. The casually seeing each other (re: booty calls) wasn't really working out when he planted his lazy arse on my couch again and was still there eight days later (and I kid you not when I actually say - he did not leave the house during that time). I threw him out of my house Thursday night when he was being a selfish prat but I guess my message of "we are over don't come back" missed it's mark because by the tone of those messages we are still in this weird unhealthy quasi relationship that I was trying to get away from.
I hosted a dinner party on Saturday night - a real grown up - strictly no children - let's pretend we have a life outside of being parents - and of course girls only - dinner party.
I went all out with handwritten invitations and place cards...a beautiful table setting sprinkled with tiny gold love hearts and organza gift bags with candles inside, set at each place and a complete home cooked meal enjoyed with uninterrupted conversation (those of you who are parents will appreciate the luxury of that!).
It is just so amazing what secrets people have in their closets that a few glasses of bubbles will unlock. The company was School Mum's plus Holiday Girl and when they left I had plenty to muse about for the days to come...it reinforced a timeless valuable lesson - to never put people into boxes, that by doing so you could really miss out on truly knowing amazing sides of your friends.
I have been to the gym five times this week - and I ate a jumbo bag of M&M's for breakfast.
Life is good :)
Why is it that we hurt the people we love?
Yes, that was an incredibly cliche moment to be having such a realisation but nevertheless...
I look at what New Person and I share...it is crazy, confusing and most of the time pretty emotionally destructive - yet I keep going back.
I was talking to H about relationships today - he was dissecting his relationship with the Psychotic Ex Girlfriend and I was generically musing over NP's traits when we quite randomnly drew the same conclusion about us as individuals - we tolerated so much in our respective relationships that we never would have put up with in our marriage.
Bizarre but quite true.
What made this happen?
Not too sure...I put it in the too hard basket to join School Girl M's questions of the week that included why doesn't God die, can kittens pick their noses with their tongues like her (teenage) Uncle can and if the moon really is made of rock then why doesn't it fall out of the sky (ever tried explaining the intricacies of space to a four year old??)
NP has taken to leaving me messages declaring how much he misses me...I am a bit confused - I thought we had broken up. The casually seeing each other (re: booty calls) wasn't really working out when he planted his lazy arse on my couch again and was still there eight days later (and I kid you not when I actually say - he did not leave the house during that time). I threw him out of my house Thursday night when he was being a selfish prat but I guess my message of "we are over don't come back" missed it's mark because by the tone of those messages we are still in this weird unhealthy quasi relationship that I was trying to get away from.
I hosted a dinner party on Saturday night - a real grown up - strictly no children - let's pretend we have a life outside of being parents - and of course girls only - dinner party.
I went all out with handwritten invitations and place cards...a beautiful table setting sprinkled with tiny gold love hearts and organza gift bags with candles inside, set at each place and a complete home cooked meal enjoyed with uninterrupted conversation (those of you who are parents will appreciate the luxury of that!).
It is just so amazing what secrets people have in their closets that a few glasses of bubbles will unlock. The company was School Mum's plus Holiday Girl and when they left I had plenty to muse about for the days to come...it reinforced a timeless valuable lesson - to never put people into boxes, that by doing so you could really miss out on truly knowing amazing sides of your friends.
I have been to the gym five times this week - and I ate a jumbo bag of M&M's for breakfast.
Life is good :)
Monday, April 16, 2007
The Menu
Dinner:
A tangle of arms and legs on the couch....feverish lips pressed against each other....moving slowly then faster as I lose my breath and my head starts to spin it's delicious descent into glorious frenetic sex.
Dessert:
My legs spread and hands facing down on the kitchen bench. His hot breath on the back of my neck and the sensation of his hands wrapped around my hips as he slowly and deliberately fucks me. I watch my fingers curl responsively then flatten as I come...unexpectedly.
And as I was engaging in all of this a line from a song kept running through my head...
"It's a fine line between pleasure and pain...do it once and you'll do it again"
Shameless hussy who has all the fun? Totally.
Dinner:
A tangle of arms and legs on the couch....feverish lips pressed against each other....moving slowly then faster as I lose my breath and my head starts to spin it's delicious descent into glorious frenetic sex.
Dessert:
My legs spread and hands facing down on the kitchen bench. His hot breath on the back of my neck and the sensation of his hands wrapped around my hips as he slowly and deliberately fucks me. I watch my fingers curl responsively then flatten as I come...unexpectedly.
And as I was engaging in all of this a line from a song kept running through my head...
"It's a fine line between pleasure and pain...do it once and you'll do it again"
Shameless hussy who has all the fun? Totally.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Life is funny in it's irony...
H and I seem to have come in a partial circle - which compared to the polar opposites we have been existing in over the past ten months is a somewhat welcome relief.
I don't want to dwell too much on it or I feel it will jinx it - as ever what exists between him and myself is very delicate. But right now, parenting is a lot easier and the positive effect that is having on School Girl M is so great to witness.
I accidentally slept with New Person. Four times. But damn it was worth it - sex with him is just so delicious. But we are still not together - which is good...very good.
I haven't spoken much to Q....he is hibernating still, grieving for the loss of his father...for the break down of his marriage. I feel for the place he is in.
Life is smiley right now...and that's the way I like it :)
P.S - How freakin fabulous are the Dixie Chicks?? I an totally in awe of their attitude...
H and I seem to have come in a partial circle - which compared to the polar opposites we have been existing in over the past ten months is a somewhat welcome relief.
I don't want to dwell too much on it or I feel it will jinx it - as ever what exists between him and myself is very delicate. But right now, parenting is a lot easier and the positive effect that is having on School Girl M is so great to witness.
I accidentally slept with New Person. Four times. But damn it was worth it - sex with him is just so delicious. But we are still not together - which is good...very good.
I haven't spoken much to Q....he is hibernating still, grieving for the loss of his father...for the break down of his marriage. I feel for the place he is in.
Life is smiley right now...and that's the way I like it :)
P.S - How freakin fabulous are the Dixie Chicks?? I an totally in awe of their attitude...
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
I didn't actually think next time would be that night...lol.
We were still drinking at 3am...I got up off Holiday Girl's sofa at lunchtime and took my poor alcohol abused body home where I spent the day in bed with another litre tub of Gelati and more Easter chocolates before the drinking began for another night.
Today it is work again - I am feeling the effects of three nights of drinking and precious little sleep and the prospect of going to the gym is looking very very b-o-r-i-n-g.
Happy Easter!
We were still drinking at 3am...I got up off Holiday Girl's sofa at lunchtime and took my poor alcohol abused body home where I spent the day in bed with another litre tub of Gelati and more Easter chocolates before the drinking began for another night.
Today it is work again - I am feeling the effects of three nights of drinking and precious little sleep and the prospect of going to the gym is looking very very b-o-r-i-n-g.
Happy Easter!
Sunday, April 08, 2007
I had a bit of a bender last night...I have had four hours sleep and now it is Easter morning and I have been up since six am getting ready for School Girl M to wake up.
The eggs are hidden...the video camera charged with a new disk in it...I am dressed and ready to rock and roll - yet the princess sleeps in!
Just like Christmas all over again...lol.
If I wasn't so vain I'd take a photo of my eyes for posterity as to exactly how shocking I look after last nights drinking effort.
New Person came over - I drank and he didn't. It was less than amusing. Right now I just want to crawl back into bed and forget last night even happened. Forget four hours straight of endless freakin talking where the only outcome was the same one we have drawn all along - we are the wrong people for each other.
Urgh.
Snacking on a litre tub of lemon gelati and caramel easter eggs is never advisable when you are in my state - I drank so much that I haven't even reached the hungover stage yet, I think I am still drunk.....
I am going to Holiday Girl's house for a dinner party tonight, which will be lovely - she has stocked up on the Omni in preparation - yet as it goes - I shall NEVER drink again...lol.
Until next time...
The eggs are hidden...the video camera charged with a new disk in it...I am dressed and ready to rock and roll - yet the princess sleeps in!
Just like Christmas all over again...lol.
If I wasn't so vain I'd take a photo of my eyes for posterity as to exactly how shocking I look after last nights drinking effort.
New Person came over - I drank and he didn't. It was less than amusing. Right now I just want to crawl back into bed and forget last night even happened. Forget four hours straight of endless freakin talking where the only outcome was the same one we have drawn all along - we are the wrong people for each other.
Urgh.
Snacking on a litre tub of lemon gelati and caramel easter eggs is never advisable when you are in my state - I drank so much that I haven't even reached the hungover stage yet, I think I am still drunk.....
I am going to Holiday Girl's house for a dinner party tonight, which will be lovely - she has stocked up on the Omni in preparation - yet as it goes - I shall NEVER drink again...lol.
Until next time...
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
It is amazing what retrospect can provide. Such clarity.
I had a two hour phone conversation with New Person last night and the things that came out were quite revealing.
He spoke of his regrets, how we should have kept on dating, how he shouldn't have moved himself into my home so quickly. His reason? It felt so right.
And I agree with him - at the time it did. It was the subsequent damage it slowly did to our young relationship that was the undoing of the rationale in that particular decision.
We effectively gave our relationship no hope of being successful through a couple of poor decisions that seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
He sounded so broken on the phone, that deep sadness that is painful to even listen to. My heart ached for him, but I still maintain that breaking up was the right thing to do.
A friend said something to me yesterday her mother passed down to her when she was in her early twenties.
"Don't ever marry someone thinking they will change"
So very true. I had lived in hope that the things NP and I clashed about would eventually be met with compromise halfway but after eight months and constant head butting, I now realise they never would have been.
We were two different people, who, although we cared deeply for each other, our differences would continue to rear their heads and as time passed become increasingly obvious and pointed and represent parts of our relationship that were unsuccessful, that were the triggers for circular and repetitive arguments that would never be resolved.
H has taken to calling me freqently to whinge about his relationship with his girlfriend. They broke up (and got back together) three times in as many days. He spoke of a sense of 'relief' each time it ended.
I can relate to that.
Being on my own is suiting me. But I know next week when School Girl M goes to H's for the entire week (school holidays custody arrangement), that I will find my little house very lonely.
I had a two hour phone conversation with New Person last night and the things that came out were quite revealing.
He spoke of his regrets, how we should have kept on dating, how he shouldn't have moved himself into my home so quickly. His reason? It felt so right.
And I agree with him - at the time it did. It was the subsequent damage it slowly did to our young relationship that was the undoing of the rationale in that particular decision.
We effectively gave our relationship no hope of being successful through a couple of poor decisions that seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
He sounded so broken on the phone, that deep sadness that is painful to even listen to. My heart ached for him, but I still maintain that breaking up was the right thing to do.
A friend said something to me yesterday her mother passed down to her when she was in her early twenties.
"Don't ever marry someone thinking they will change"
So very true. I had lived in hope that the things NP and I clashed about would eventually be met with compromise halfway but after eight months and constant head butting, I now realise they never would have been.
We were two different people, who, although we cared deeply for each other, our differences would continue to rear their heads and as time passed become increasingly obvious and pointed and represent parts of our relationship that were unsuccessful, that were the triggers for circular and repetitive arguments that would never be resolved.
H has taken to calling me freqently to whinge about his relationship with his girlfriend. They broke up (and got back together) three times in as many days. He spoke of a sense of 'relief' each time it ended.
I can relate to that.
Being on my own is suiting me. But I know next week when School Girl M goes to H's for the entire week (school holidays custody arrangement), that I will find my little house very lonely.
Friday, March 30, 2007
My tests are all finished, the conclusion was an ectopic pregnancy brought on by one of the clips working itself loose and inadequate scar tissue underneath it to prevent an egg from making it's way through.
When I had my tubes tied the doctors opted to just clamp them instead of the usual removing a section and tying the ends of. Clamping was a less invasive surgical procedure and at the time I wasn't well, so it seemed the better option. There was a one percent failure rate - but as it goes, that warning is standard with nearly all methods of contraception whether they be control or permanent.
So basically it was just one of those freakily unlucky things and now I will have to go back next week and the doctor will reclamp that tube.
The doctor also referred me to a counseller - he knows my medical history and he recognises how hard I am taking this. Even he was amazed it could have happened.
I am feeling a lot better now - less depressive, it has happened, I am lucky I am fine physically and that pregnancy was never supposed to be.
Rational understanding vs emotional reaction.
Ask me on an hourly basis who is winning.
Q's father died this week. Some of you may remember when he had a massive stroke Christmas 2005 followed by a couple of smaller ones. He passed away on Tuesday, I don't know any details, Q was too upset to talk.
Perspective.
School holidays begin today for School Girl M and it's Easter next week so it's been a whirlwind of buying Easter eggs for school, music and swimming teachers and little classmates (and of course my secret stash for her Easter egg hunt). We did a Hot Cross Bun fundraiser at school and I am at the stage where my stomach is revolting at even the smell of them now. Five hours straight of packing Hot Cross Buns will do that to you.
I have my little girl home with me for an entire week now - and I can't wait :)
When I had my tubes tied the doctors opted to just clamp them instead of the usual removing a section and tying the ends of. Clamping was a less invasive surgical procedure and at the time I wasn't well, so it seemed the better option. There was a one percent failure rate - but as it goes, that warning is standard with nearly all methods of contraception whether they be control or permanent.
So basically it was just one of those freakily unlucky things and now I will have to go back next week and the doctor will reclamp that tube.
The doctor also referred me to a counseller - he knows my medical history and he recognises how hard I am taking this. Even he was amazed it could have happened.
I am feeling a lot better now - less depressive, it has happened, I am lucky I am fine physically and that pregnancy was never supposed to be.
Rational understanding vs emotional reaction.
Ask me on an hourly basis who is winning.
Q's father died this week. Some of you may remember when he had a massive stroke Christmas 2005 followed by a couple of smaller ones. He passed away on Tuesday, I don't know any details, Q was too upset to talk.
Perspective.
School holidays begin today for School Girl M and it's Easter next week so it's been a whirlwind of buying Easter eggs for school, music and swimming teachers and little classmates (and of course my secret stash for her Easter egg hunt). We did a Hot Cross Bun fundraiser at school and I am at the stage where my stomach is revolting at even the smell of them now. Five hours straight of packing Hot Cross Buns will do that to you.
I have my little girl home with me for an entire week now - and I can't wait :)
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Skimming The Surface
And onwards I shall move....
I don't really have a lot to say...I have buried myself in work and volunteering in different capacities at School Girl M's school.
I won a new contract on Monday...that is a positive and gives me something to divert my attention and energies into.
As I write this I am watching School Girl M's school uniform dry in the breeze on the clothes line....and I am trying not think if she would have had a brother or a sister...what the pieces of that unborn baby would have joined together to be.
I know this will subside and as long as I am busy I am coping...it is just when I pause for breath that I come undone.
And that I shall not...
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Loss And GriefI spent Thursday night lying in a hospital bed as my unborn baby bled out of me piece by piece.
There is no explanation for why I could possibly be pregnant...really really none. I can not conceive...and after School Girl Mermaid the doctors tied my tubes...to protect my body from any pregnancies...not matter how remote that possibility was.
I did not cry when they asked if they could call anyone...New Person's phone was turned off and the last I knew he was still hundreds of kilometres away. I discharged myself, took School Girl M home and sat on the sofa in shock.
Later that night NP turned up very unexpectedly on my doorstep...and then the tears started...and have yet to stop.
The anger is slightly consuming...I resent the decision being taken away from me...I feel like my body has betrayed me.
It is like a vortex right now and I feel like I am drowning.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
And So It Is...
My grandfather came through surgery ok. The cancer was aggressive and significantly more advanced than the doctors had first thought, but for now they have got it all.
It will come back...that is a given, but what is important is he came home from that hospital and, if only for now, we have him in our lives for a bit longer.
He is Irish...it happened on Saint Patricks Day...perhaps it is as they say..."the luck of the Irish"
I broke things off with New Person yesterday. It was one of those horrid long and very emotionally draining break-ups that you tend to near drown in self doubt each time you pause for breath.
But yesterday afternoon he packed his stuff and moved out.
I found out today he is many hundreds of kilometres away already, in a different state. He must have driven through the night non-stop to get there. Why that particular place I don't know...it holds no friends and no family members...but perhaps that is my answer.
Maybe he was Mr Right Now...not Mr Right. But then I have never consciously thought that I was searching for 'Mr Right'...I am too much of a sceptical person for such titles and labelled expectations.
Good Friend remarked to me yesterday that she (amongst others) has seen a big change in me over the past six or so months. She termed it as me seeming "flat".
Fabulous Friend was blunter "You have lost what was your appeal...your bounciness and enthusiasm...how you would launch yourself into a room...always talking and laughing...ready to do anything at the drop of a hat. Now you don't even come out for a coffee...to say nothing of a liquid lunch at the pub"
And I realised they were right...I had changed. Some of it was probably for the better (re: end of binge drinking) but the rest of it was questionable. I have thoroughly lost my passion for my work...which is wholly regrettable. Because NP hasn't been working for seven months I had fallen into slothing around at home with him when I should have been out promoting my business...hunting work etc. Financially I am suffering for that lazy attitude now.
I miss him though. I spent today looking at photographs of us...I didn't even do that when H and I separated (!)
But as we sat on the sofa yesterday he asked me what it was going to be, to which I replied.
MG: My head it telling me this is it, we just aren't suited and we have tried to make it work until there is nothing left to change. We can't go on like this because it is destructive to both of us.
NP: (sad smile)
MG: But my heart is telling me not to let you walk out that door.
NP: That's your decision made (MG).
And with that he stood up...and loaded his car with his things.
MG: Can you stay for dinner...say goodbye to (School Girl Mermaid)?
NP: (chokes) I couldn't...
When all his things were in the car and I was standing there in tears just looking...he took his house key off his keyring and pressed it into my hand.
NP: Tell (School Girl M) that I love her and I'm sorry.
Then he burst into tears and walked quickly out the door.
And that was the end of eight months of my life.
I need to be me right now...I don't know if I want to be...but god I know I need to be alone...to be me...to learn some more of life's lessons by standing on my own two feet.
Wish me luck.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
So Wrong...
I have put on weight...something to do with eating crap food and my quickly fading love affair with the gym (I hate it now - it sucks big time). So for the first time ever I am on these drugs to see what I can do without actually having to put in much effort (aside popping a pill three times a day).
Yeah...I know.
I read this and think...god you lazy bitch - you have been fit and healthy once - get off your sorry arse and put in the effort again.
So back to the wonder drugs...Fat Blaster...a fabulous and (kind of vague) collation of 'natural' ingredients that when combined will make my chocolate sinning tummy be flat yet again.
At thirty dollars for two weeks worth you'd want to be hoping for some type of damn miracle.
Smirk...
Serves my lazy arse right.
Big news happened today...somewhat sad news too.
Brother I Adore...remember him? The baby with dubious parentage...truly nasty girlfriend whom he chose to bring up the baby with (no paternity testing was ever done)...well I spoke to him today and he has just got a job working for Emirates (the airline) and him, the nasty girlfriend and the baby of dubious parentage are all moving to Dubai in May.
I am (selfishly) upset. My last remaining family member in this country and now he too will leave. Even though I hardly saw him once Nasty Girlfriend took a rather strong dislike to me, he was still there, we talked on the phone when he was out of house and away from her...etc.
Career wise it is a brilliant move for him though...but hell I'll miss my baby brother.
School Girl Mermaid and I returned from our interstate holiday on Monday to the news that my grandfather has been rushed to hospital. The secondary cancer has taken it's toll quicker than they had thought it would and he will be operated on tomorrow. It will go one of two ways...
The operate and find the cancer is containable, cut it out and start him on chemo.
or...
They operate to find the cancer has spread and there is nothing the doctors can do.
Tomorrow I sit by the phone and I wait for the call to tell me which way his life will go.
Today I struggle with the guilt of not being there at the hospital, not sitting holding my grandmother's hand as the doctor delivers the news. It all seems so wrong.
Yeah...I know.
I read this and think...god you lazy bitch - you have been fit and healthy once - get off your sorry arse and put in the effort again.
So back to the wonder drugs...Fat Blaster...a fabulous and (kind of vague) collation of 'natural' ingredients that when combined will make my chocolate sinning tummy be flat yet again.
At thirty dollars for two weeks worth you'd want to be hoping for some type of damn miracle.
Smirk...
Serves my lazy arse right.
Big news happened today...somewhat sad news too.
Brother I Adore...remember him? The baby with dubious parentage...truly nasty girlfriend whom he chose to bring up the baby with (no paternity testing was ever done)...well I spoke to him today and he has just got a job working for Emirates (the airline) and him, the nasty girlfriend and the baby of dubious parentage are all moving to Dubai in May.
I am (selfishly) upset. My last remaining family member in this country and now he too will leave. Even though I hardly saw him once Nasty Girlfriend took a rather strong dislike to me, he was still there, we talked on the phone when he was out of house and away from her...etc.
Career wise it is a brilliant move for him though...but hell I'll miss my baby brother.
School Girl Mermaid and I returned from our interstate holiday on Monday to the news that my grandfather has been rushed to hospital. The secondary cancer has taken it's toll quicker than they had thought it would and he will be operated on tomorrow. It will go one of two ways...
The operate and find the cancer is containable, cut it out and start him on chemo.
or...
They operate to find the cancer has spread and there is nothing the doctors can do.
Tomorrow I sit by the phone and I wait for the call to tell me which way his life will go.
Today I struggle with the guilt of not being there at the hospital, not sitting holding my grandmother's hand as the doctor delivers the news. It all seems so wrong.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Changes Upon Changes
And finally I have the uninterrupted time to sit and write again...
There seems to have been a shift in my life...somewhat subtle because I am only really recognising it now, now I have arrived at this place.
I am working at forty percent capacity of what I was one year ago.
I have had so much quality time with School Girl M that our relationship is unrecognisable to the shreds it was hanging in last year....it has gone from strength to strength.
I have been taking stock of my personal relationship...as awful as the expression is, I have culled the dead wood and learned to recognise the relationships that are damaging to myself and I have finally gathered the emotional strength needed to walk away from some of those and to address the flaws in the others, with the hope of resurrecting what once where healthy and thriving friendships.
I have also reached a turning point with H, a couple of weeks ago. A friend raised a very valid point to me that I was never going to 'win' with H. He was always going to be hot and cold, say one thing, then when I went with it, turn the situation around and pretend he never said whatever...and been getting upset over something or someone whom I can not change - well that is just giving him the satisfaction of hurting me, and as long as he gets a reaction he will continue to behave the way he is. So I emailed him, I was very honest and just told him he was on his own with his relationship with School Girl M, that I wasn't going to be in damage control any more, what he did, the positives and the mistakes etc....they were all down to him, just as what I do with her comes down on me.
I have never felt so damn free. He has stopped calling, we don't speak, so there are no arguments and I just feel like I can finally just live again and be the mother that my daughter deserves, without the unsolvable weight of trying to make something work with a person whom is hellbent on sabotaging any type of functioning parenting relationship we could ever have.
In two weeks time School Girl M and I will be in the state where Holiday Girl and I go to play...this time I am going to see my Biological Father. It has been five and a half years, and he has never met School Girl M. I am looking forward to it, five days of sunshine and the beach and actually laying the foundations for a relationship with my father, as an adult.
A these changes, and they just crept up on me...lol.
Maybe, just maybe, I will survive this...I will be able to keep going and be a good mother, a successful business woman...have healthy relationships and friendships in all spheres of my life...and just be happy.
There seems to have been a shift in my life...somewhat subtle because I am only really recognising it now, now I have arrived at this place.
I am working at forty percent capacity of what I was one year ago.
I have had so much quality time with School Girl M that our relationship is unrecognisable to the shreds it was hanging in last year....it has gone from strength to strength.
I have been taking stock of my personal relationship...as awful as the expression is, I have culled the dead wood and learned to recognise the relationships that are damaging to myself and I have finally gathered the emotional strength needed to walk away from some of those and to address the flaws in the others, with the hope of resurrecting what once where healthy and thriving friendships.
I have also reached a turning point with H, a couple of weeks ago. A friend raised a very valid point to me that I was never going to 'win' with H. He was always going to be hot and cold, say one thing, then when I went with it, turn the situation around and pretend he never said whatever...and been getting upset over something or someone whom I can not change - well that is just giving him the satisfaction of hurting me, and as long as he gets a reaction he will continue to behave the way he is. So I emailed him, I was very honest and just told him he was on his own with his relationship with School Girl M, that I wasn't going to be in damage control any more, what he did, the positives and the mistakes etc....they were all down to him, just as what I do with her comes down on me.
I have never felt so damn free. He has stopped calling, we don't speak, so there are no arguments and I just feel like I can finally just live again and be the mother that my daughter deserves, without the unsolvable weight of trying to make something work with a person whom is hellbent on sabotaging any type of functioning parenting relationship we could ever have.
In two weeks time School Girl M and I will be in the state where Holiday Girl and I go to play...this time I am going to see my Biological Father. It has been five and a half years, and he has never met School Girl M. I am looking forward to it, five days of sunshine and the beach and actually laying the foundations for a relationship with my father, as an adult.
A these changes, and they just crept up on me...lol.
Maybe, just maybe, I will survive this...I will be able to keep going and be a good mother, a successful business woman...have healthy relationships and friendships in all spheres of my life...and just be happy.
Monday, February 19, 2007
School Girl Mermaid
I wanted to write about School Girl Mermaid (!).
My daughter is my world and this is why...
From when I was seventeen I was told that I would never be able to have children due to long term medication I am on. I resigned myself to a life without children and distanced myself from ever liking them too much and created a shell around my heart.
When I was twenty one I suffered two miscarriages, both very early on. To have the babies you were never supposed to have, scrapped out of you like waste...it was heart breaking.
I woke up one morning, when I was twenty three and knew instantly I was pregnant. There was no rhyme or reason to my assurance, I just knew with all certainty.
My pregnancy was horrible, I was very sick and in and out of hospital. At one stage they wanted me to terminate as the pregnancy was putting my life in danger.
I couldn't do it.
There was no recorded cases of pregnancies being carried full term with mothers on the medication I am on so I ended up being a test case in my state. That involved lots of doctors and endless tests...I was a human pin cushion.
My baby was big...too big for me to carry full term so at eight and a half months I was induced. She should have been a Cesarean but by the time the obstetrician realised exactly how large she was it was too late.
One and a half days later....morphine...pethidine...gas and two epidurals my baby was stuck so the doctor had to cut me open and forcep her out. As they were putting in the twenty stitches needed to sew me back up, I hemorrhaged.
As I was so drugged I knew nothing of this as they pumped transfusion after transfusion into me and I couldn't even hold my daughter.
But the next day she was mine...my little miracle child...the baby I was never supposed to have.
Although I have struggled with parenting...I now look at my beautiful child and am filled with awe that is the gift that is her....and every day of my life I am so so grateful to have her.
I believe things happen for a reason...my daughter has taught me what is important in life...through her needs as a child I can no longer be selfish as my world revolves so much around her and what is best for her.
I have just spent nine thousand dollars fighting for custody of her and if I hadn't won I would have gone back to court in a heartbeat and kept fighting until I had her back home with me....I created her and carried her inside of me...I nearly died giving birth to her and I would give my life for her without hesitation.
She is my miracle.
My daughter is my world and this is why...
From when I was seventeen I was told that I would never be able to have children due to long term medication I am on. I resigned myself to a life without children and distanced myself from ever liking them too much and created a shell around my heart.
When I was twenty one I suffered two miscarriages, both very early on. To have the babies you were never supposed to have, scrapped out of you like waste...it was heart breaking.
I woke up one morning, when I was twenty three and knew instantly I was pregnant. There was no rhyme or reason to my assurance, I just knew with all certainty.
My pregnancy was horrible, I was very sick and in and out of hospital. At one stage they wanted me to terminate as the pregnancy was putting my life in danger.
I couldn't do it.
There was no recorded cases of pregnancies being carried full term with mothers on the medication I am on so I ended up being a test case in my state. That involved lots of doctors and endless tests...I was a human pin cushion.
My baby was big...too big for me to carry full term so at eight and a half months I was induced. She should have been a Cesarean but by the time the obstetrician realised exactly how large she was it was too late.
One and a half days later....morphine...pethidine...gas and two epidurals my baby was stuck so the doctor had to cut me open and forcep her out. As they were putting in the twenty stitches needed to sew me back up, I hemorrhaged.
As I was so drugged I knew nothing of this as they pumped transfusion after transfusion into me and I couldn't even hold my daughter.
But the next day she was mine...my little miracle child...the baby I was never supposed to have.
Although I have struggled with parenting...I now look at my beautiful child and am filled with awe that is the gift that is her....and every day of my life I am so so grateful to have her.
I believe things happen for a reason...my daughter has taught me what is important in life...through her needs as a child I can no longer be selfish as my world revolves so much around her and what is best for her.
I have just spent nine thousand dollars fighting for custody of her and if I hadn't won I would have gone back to court in a heartbeat and kept fighting until I had her back home with me....I created her and carried her inside of me...I nearly died giving birth to her and I would give my life for her without hesitation.
She is my miracle.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Passion
There was a rumour floating around that Q was sleeping with his PA.
I spoke to him today. It turns out he left his wife three weeks ago.
To say I am amazed is probably an understatement. For those of you who have been reading since the beginning, you will understand the significance of this for him. For the others...Q was a man whom I loved for a long time and who held my delicate heart in his hands until I grew strong enough to reclaim it back.
I read my archives the other day. It is so humbling...it upset me for a few days, in some posts the pain and grief is so raw that even after all this time, to read it is painful.
I wish Q well in this next stage of his journey...having been in that place only twelve months ago I have an idea of what lies ahead for him - and as he too understands...it will probably get worse before it gets better.
He misses his children immensely...the pain in his voice was thick and difficult to listen to. But he will do what he perceives to be the right thing. I have no place here. This I recognise.
There is irony in this happening now. After spending so long having an affair with him...living with that vain and mocking hope that he would one day leave his wife and we could start a life together....he wouldn't - always citing his children as the reason.
Yet now...when I have been with New Person for seven months and I am so happy.
I have no regrets and what I have with NP is just SO much more real than what Q and I ever have. We existed in a small insular world, shielded from reality by the sheer intensity of our emotions. That was never going to be sustainable in the long term.
I wonder where we will all be in our individual lives in another twelve months time.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
My School Girl
Well the much anticipated first day of school is nearly over....
Baby Mermaid cried...I cried...H sulked and was rude to me...it unfolded as expected...lol.
My little baby is a school girl...she looked so grown up in her uniform...checked gingham and black mary-jane's with bobby socks and her hair in double braids.
Sigh...
Was it really nearly five years ago that she was born?
Court went well, I retained custody and H has her for four nights per fortnight. We were quite civil about it. He phoned me later that day to yell at me...but at least we got through court and got a formal custody agreement drawn up that we both agree on. That is what is important.
I have started going to the gym again, I have been in such a slump lately, the emotional and mental energy (plus the financial stress) of the court case was taking it's toll on me. I want to feel as healthy and positive as I did this time last year. The good thing is having been there, I know with some hard work physically I can get back to that place again :)
I bought Baby Mermaid a piano for Christmas so we both start piano lessons next week (!) It has been too many years to even count since I last had a lesson so it should be interesting!
On the theme of things that are different, Holiday Girl and I have booked in for a lesson of pole dancing (HG is fabulously tall with legs that go on forever)...so that will be hilarious. I'll have to remember my camera!
Life is marching on...and I like where it is heading.
Time to pick up my munchkin from school, we are going out for lunch to celebrate her first day as a school girl.
I am SO proud of her :)
Baby Mermaid cried...I cried...H sulked and was rude to me...it unfolded as expected...lol.
My little baby is a school girl...she looked so grown up in her uniform...checked gingham and black mary-jane's with bobby socks and her hair in double braids.
Sigh...
Was it really nearly five years ago that she was born?
Court went well, I retained custody and H has her for four nights per fortnight. We were quite civil about it. He phoned me later that day to yell at me...but at least we got through court and got a formal custody agreement drawn up that we both agree on. That is what is important.
I have started going to the gym again, I have been in such a slump lately, the emotional and mental energy (plus the financial stress) of the court case was taking it's toll on me. I want to feel as healthy and positive as I did this time last year. The good thing is having been there, I know with some hard work physically I can get back to that place again :)
I bought Baby Mermaid a piano for Christmas so we both start piano lessons next week (!) It has been too many years to even count since I last had a lesson so it should be interesting!
On the theme of things that are different, Holiday Girl and I have booked in for a lesson of pole dancing (HG is fabulously tall with legs that go on forever)...so that will be hilarious. I'll have to remember my camera!
Life is marching on...and I like where it is heading.
Time to pick up my munchkin from school, we are going out for lunch to celebrate her first day as a school girl.
I am SO proud of her :)
P.S - For the creative memories idea....I ended up taking a series of black and white photographs of Baby M with her posing, then walking down the street towards school, close-ups of her school hat and the symbol on it etc; then I created a digital collage of it.
It's quite effective.
I have also started a school days books, with software from the following website:
www.momento.com.au
I am totally addicted to this website...you make one book then get hooked on it and can't stop!
Friday, January 26, 2007
Court Revisited..
Not long after I returned from my holiday I was served with a summons for court (this happened at nine o'clock at night on my doorstep - can that happen??)...so on Tuesday, the day before Baby M starts school, I have to go into the city and H will contest me for custody.
Once again.
Sigh....
Just when things were looking like they were going ok and finally making progress between us again.
I am less than impressed, not as nervous this time, more so annoyed that this day I had put aside to spend with Baby M , her last day of being a child before she crosses over into the amazing new journey of becoming a school girl; I will now spend in court instead of with her.
Not happy.
I am thinking of something creative to do to commerate her first day of school, I wanted to record it with photographs, presented in an unusual way...any ideas??
Once again.
Sigh....
Just when things were looking like they were going ok and finally making progress between us again.
I am less than impressed, not as nervous this time, more so annoyed that this day I had put aside to spend with Baby M , her last day of being a child before she crosses over into the amazing new journey of becoming a school girl; I will now spend in court instead of with her.
Not happy.
I am thinking of something creative to do to commerate her first day of school, I wanted to record it with photographs, presented in an unusual way...any ideas??
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Home
It is said that home is where your heart is.
I have always believed that my heart was still firmly entrenched in my place of birth, in the fields that I wandered as a child, the beaches I swam at and the places that when I came home each year, the sight of them would evoke a single gasp from me as I lost my heart to my home.
All over again.
This time it was different. I fought that truth but as the two weeks wore on it gripped me relentlessly and wore me down.
I had to surrender to it...this place was no longer my home. My golden oasis that was always my safety net had evolved into something barely recognisable. People had grown up, moved on...the physical face was a stranger, the streets new and the people different, in character and in race, the languages they spoke were foreign to my homesick ear.
I felt a deep sense of loss at this, a resentment that my cherished memories were sullied, perhaps made invalid as time had not stood still to honour them. But perhaps the most confronting of this all was the realisation that with this understanding also came a sense of relief.
Now my home is where I live...it is where my daughter will spend her school years and grow up and it is where my future is.
It is almost liberating.
Happy 2007 everyone in blogland...for so many of you who have had not the best of years in 2006, may this be the fresh start that you have hoped for.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Holidays
Back from holidays...crazy times...a pyschotic mother to deal with and I have returned to the other strange factor in my life (being H).
I spent lots and lots of quality time with my grandparents...took precious photographs and video recordings...created memories that will last forever.
It was hard saying goodbye to them at the airport. My grandfather's cancer has returned. This Christmas gone will probably have been his last. I stood in the line at Customs and cried, silent tears, at the knowledge that I may not see him alive again. As the plane took off Baby M gulped and as I turned and looked at her, tears welled up in her eyes and she started to sob.
Children know.
She has her first day of school in three weeks. Her uniform is huge on her...lol...she looks like a little munchkin. I know I will cry.
A lot happened very quickly with H before I left for my holidays...the highlights included him breaking the custody agreement and turning up to Baby M's creche. They let him in, after strict instructions from me not to...if I report them then they will lose their license...numerous shitty phone calls overseas to me, even my granparents copped it...I resented him for that.
But it all continues...and I have a smile on my face and determination behind me to do the best thing by Baby M...that is what keeps me going.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Saturday was the day of an epic showdown with H. He let his guard down and for the first time showed his anger towards me infront of other people - being his parents.
It was violent and a bit scary and at it's peak his father had to forcibly take Baby M from his arms and get her and myself out of there whilst his brother restrained him.
Baby M cried and sobbed in my arms.
I hated him for doing that to her. His father couldn't stop apologising to me...H had fed him some crap line about breaking up with his girlfriend and wanting to put everything into parenting and repairing his parenting relationship with me.
His father believed him.
I didn't.
H was lying and the mere sight of me made him lash out in anger as usual.
I barely said two words...just watched numbly as he yelled at me...covered Baby M's eyes as he head butted the door then drove home wondering what my daughter's world had come to.
I am linked into some local services now that will provide me with support next year in terms of counselling for Baby M and myself, legal support for when/if this goes to Family Court and practical support in other aspects.
Two sleeps then I'm on that plane and getting the hell out of here.
Can't freakin wait.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
A TraditionChildren carry through the streets
A brilliant painted star
Angels gather round the hearth
Strumming on guitars
Men of great renown and faith
Say prayers on boulevards
Its the night before christmas
But you dont have to be an angel
To sing harmony
And you don't have to be a child
To love the mystery
And you don't have to be a wise man
On bended knee
The heart of this Christmas is in you and me
The night before Christmas
The night before Christmas
If you're hearts been longing
And you've been afraid to try
Sorrows kept you company
And the dance has passed you by
I'll lift you up and blaze with you
Across the moonlit sky
On the night before Christmas
Cause you don't have to be an angel
To sing in harmony
And you don't have to be a child to love the mystery
And you don't have to be a wise man
On bended knee
The heart of this Christmas is in you and me
I have a tradition I began when Baby M was born...I have always loved this song...no real reason, it has always captivated me and personified Christmas...so every Christmas Eve I sit down with her and we play this song and sing the words. This year, for the first time, she actually asked if we would do it.
A tradition is born.
I fly out in six days...the last week is filled with work functions, end of year break-ups for Baby M (she graduated from kindergarten yesterday), more school prep sessions to attend.
H threatened to snatch her again so I have had to finish up work early for the year and keep her home with me until we leave. He had a breakdown and is on compulsory leave from work and is in compulsory counselling...he has also had his mobile phone disconnected, changed the home number and the work number just rings out.
My lawyer said I don't have to give her to him for access visits unless he can provide me with a direct phone number. The degree of anger he is exhibiting and is directing at me, is frightening. When he does actually have Baby M, he doesn't even spend time with her...when it's handover time he doesn't even hug her hello, just orders her into his car then he yells at me.
Last week I had to watch them drive away whilst she had her little face pressed against the car window staring emptily at me. I sat in the carpark and cried.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Six Weird Things About Me...I have been tagged by Moonspells
6 Weird Things About Me
1. When I hang the pegs on the clothes line the colours have to match, if I get to the end of the basket of washing and I have an uneven amount of a particular colour of pegs I fret. Yeah...I need to get a life. The hilarious thing is, only last week I noticed that Baby M does this as well...lol.
2. I always read publications from the back to the front...with the obvious exception being books, but magazines and newspapers are always finished at the front.
3. I have to be on top...and I'm not talking sex here...but hand holding and those big deep hugs where you sling your arms randomly around someone (or not so randomly in my case)...my hands/arms always have to be on top or it just feels weird.
4. I am not superstitious but I have a healthy distrust of odd numbers...
5. Roses are my absolute favourite flower, in any way, shape or form but I really cannot stand pink roses...how does a colour change my perception of an entire flower??
6. When I am making business calls I hold my breath whilst I'm waiting for the my client to answer the phone. For the better part it is a subconscious thing.
Yup...I'm kinda strange.
I'm not tagging anyone...but feel free to join in and tell them the love came from me :)
Friday, December 01, 2006
So I finally called Drinking Buddy last night...
Wish I hadn't...I could have done without her lies.
The short version was she denied everything...the lies spilled out of her mouth so quickly that she kept tripping herself up with contradiction after contradiction.
I needed her to understand that this was not about myself or H being angry at her, it was about Baby M and her future.
She hung up on me.
I sent her a text that went along the lines of:
"Through your selfishness and lies I could have lost custody of my daughter. One day, when you are a parent, you will understand how I am feeling right now. Please don't contact me"
And now I wash my hands of her. A true friend would never have put her own selfish desires and irrational need to be involved in a situation which she had been steadfastly kept out of, before the wellbeing of a child. And the child of a close friend, nonetheless.
In this world, there are some people who show their true colours at unfortunate times, but at least now I know what she is truly like.
I am so disappointed but feel relieved in a way. It is over.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
And today I shall vent...
I married an arsehole. With each passing day, as more and more of his irrational and volatile behaviour unfolds I shake my head in disgust at myself that I was stupid enough to marry such a man.
He fights me for Baby M, yet everything in his behaviour contradicts a desire to have active involvement in her life. He is not interested in knowing what she is doing at creche or where she is at with her school integration for next year, he doesn't even know the date of her first day of school, he whined at having to take her to a creche friend's birthday party last weekend because he was already taking his girlfriend's daughter to a party that day (!) and when we met to hand over Baby M for access last week he had girlfriend's daughter with him (she is slightly older than Baby M) and was carrying her so couldn't even bend down to hug Baby M.
The look of confusion on her face nearly broke my heart. This was her Daddy, and he was supposed to be there for her yet he was too busy playing Daddy to someone elses little girl to even give his own daughter a hello cuddle .
At that moment I came close to hating him for what he is doing to her.
We are back to arguing about the finer points of the custody agreement, although I have custody he has visitation and the order we are adherring to right now is only a temporary one until the lawyers iron out the finer points of it all. Irrespective I will still retain custody, we will just have to argue the details of every ridiculous thing fathomable.
Last night I had a go at him on the phone...the first time since court. I had simply had enough of his childishness. I felt betrayed on behalf of Baby M. H's girlfriend told him that if he continues to disrespect me infront of Baby M then he will not be having a relationship with her because his behaviour, as it stands now, is disgraceful.
I texted him last night about Baby M's lunchbox, it wasn't returned with her things so I asked him to please get it to me in the next couple of days (lunchboxes are a big deal to kindergarten children, they are careful chosen after frustratingly long deliberation and are a pride item at lunchtime). I received this somewhat hilarious text in response that told me to "Direct all enquiries to (Girlfriend)".
The guy is such an arse that he can't even take responsibility for his child's damn lunchbox...it is beyond him to have a conversation with me about it. He has an uncanny ability to turn everything into a huge deal and I look at his domestic situation now and marvel that he he has gone from me bringing up our child and him showing little interest in her, to him moving in with another parent who he is letting bring up my child. Win win situation for him, he gets to play happy families without actually doing one tiny little thing to actually make him a parent.
I resent his apathy towards our daughter and why he is fighting me for custody of her is absolutely beyond me.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
My week in a nutshell:
Monday was the ultrasound, the lump is a cyst, however they found a lump in my other breast which they are unsure about. More tests are booked in. The doctor also noticed a 'suspiciously shaped' mole on my arm that she decided needs cutting out asap. So that will be Friday.
Yesterday was court. It was the worst day of my life. I hope to never ever relive that degree of emotional trauma and pain and I can honestly say I would not wish that on my worst enemy. I got custody. It was painful. It was excrutiating and I am only really coping right now by blocking most of it out. I went to court by myself. H took fourteen people. They used bully-boy tactics on me the entire six hours we were there. I only cried once and that was in the privcay of the toilets.
Tonight I broke up with New Person. It turns out he didn't really support me in all I was doing. Just another lie to add to everything right now.
Further collateral damage has been Drinking Buddy. She lied to both H and I during this and consequently he was very nearly arrested (for breaching the conditions of the Intervention Order) and my case nearly fell apart. Depending on which way it would have gone on the day, her lies severely jepodised either H's or my own chances of custody. I make allowances for her ignorance through her not actually being a parent but what she did was unforgivable, she played god with my daughter's life to satisfy her own selfish desires.
My baby is home with me, where she belongs and last night I slept without nightmares, for the first time in three weeks.
I think I have gone around the corner in the road and can see what lies ahead of me...and although I know I have a very long way to go with H before we achieve even a functionable parenting relationship...I have hope....and that is more than I had yesterday.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Part TwoI am booked in for tests on Monday. My close friend who has survived breast cancer twice, is coming with me. She understands the procedures, that helps immensely.
Best case scenario....the tests show the lump is unusually firm muscle mass, and it can stay where it is and be just fine.
Not so great scenario...the lump is a bit dodgy looking and needs a biopsy.
Crap scenario..the lump is cancer.
No good worrying about what you can not change. Monday will be the stepping stone, with any luck where this particular journey ends...with scenario one.
Two days until the tests.
Three days until court.
I need to get through the next few days...I need to...I need to...I have to.
The knife edge is looming once again and I am fighting the panic.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I went to the doctor today for a routine check up.
I have a lump in my breast.
I don't honestly think there can be anything else right now...they say it comes in threes...three times three times threee times three....
Seven days until court. I can't sleep. H's father called me last night to harass me. To inform me that as grandparent's they have legal rights and I was to "bring Baby M to there house immediately" so they could see her.
I declined.
I am tired of looking over my shoulder all the time. I just want this to be over and the best thing to be done by Baby M.
I go for an ultrasound as soon as possible.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Remembrance Day 2006
Yesterday was Remembrance Day, I took Baby M to the local service.
She was so excited, we had bought a book about it and read it for the past week and went out together and bought poppies to wear and tucked sprigs of rosemary into them.
As part of the service they asked for children to come out and lay flowers so her and I held hands and walked out to the memorial and laid a bouquet of poppies down.
When we returned to our seat, the returned serviceman sitting next to us, a stranger, leaned over and thanked her.
It made it all worthwhile.
The Ode
The shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.
'Lest we forget'
Thursday, November 09, 2006
H asked Drinking Buddy to be a character witness for him in court. He also asked her to come over to my house and check on Baby M and report back to him. She refused. If she had done it he would have broken the conditions of the intervention order and been formally charged.
One and a half weeks until it goes to court...the sick feeling is subsiding.
I still have no computer or internet, I had to go out and buy a new computer this afternoon, tha
Friday, November 03, 2006
I have had no internet or computer for a week now, I am finding it difficult have such limited means of writing, there is just so much going through my head. I no longer sleep at nights, my beautiful Sister-in Law (married to H's brother) phoend me to tell me I was sick and had serious problems and she could no longerbe friends with me.
That hurt the most. We were so close. I understand that family closes ranks at a time like this but god that just stung.
The magistrate granted me temporary full custody and has served H with papers to appear in court in two and a half weeks time. He has a hotshot lawyer and I just miss out on eligibility of Legal Aid so I will be self representing. I am buried under a mountain of books and literature as I write this.
I feel sick and that gut wrenching feeling is there every moment of the day, but where do I draw the line? The acts of violence and intimidation were esculating, he emotionally abuses me and manipulates using Baby M. He refuses to do joint parenting with me and seems to resent my mere presence in her life.
If I kept accepting his behaiour then where is the limit? What will it take before I wake up to myself and regret not acting sooner? He has raised his hand to me already, in front of our child...what is next?
I truly feel I had no other choice, it sickens me that this is what it takes in a vain attempt to make him wake up to himself. He needs help, he needs anger management classes, counselling...I am going to apply for permanent full custody of Baby M with him having visitation right and try to put that course of action into play immediately through mediation.
The last thing I want is to deny her of a father, but as he stands right now, the damage he is doing is far outweighing the good.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Thank you for your emails etc, just a quick post to let you know I am still here.
Things got messier quickly, H waited until I was away then hired a lawyer, served me with custody papers and cancelled Baby M's passport so I can't take her to visit my grandparents for Christmas.
I came back to fnd out he has moved in with his girlfriend (of six weeks not including when she dumped him) and plans on Baby M living there. As he so delicately put it, "she has an instant family now and doesn't need me". He took her and refused to tell me where she now lives, he wouldn't take my calls or return my messages.
I desperation I drove to his work (the other side of the city) and sat there for forty five minutes until he would see me. He was awful to me, I told him Bbay M had medicine she needed, how I had been trying to get hold of him for that reason - his response? A shrug of the shoulders and a throw away comment of "that's not important". I begged him to at least promise me he would never leave Baby M alone with his girlfriend whilst he went to work - ( I have NEVER left her with New Person, not even once in nearly four months). He refused, said he "trusts her with his life and she will be looking after Baby M".
I burst into tears. He is willing to leave our four year daughter with a person he picked up in a pub six weeks ago. A person who has two children to two different people and left one of those in a different state when they were not much older then Baby M and now sees that child once a year. In a home where if she wakes in the night and gets scares she doesn't even have her Daddy there. H is not contactable at work and his girlfriend doesn't have my phone number so if anything happened to Baby M she would have to make the decision on what to do...she doesn't know her medical history, our medical history, allergies - nothing. Yet he is willing to leave her in charge of my child.
I am going in front of the magistrate this morning to apply for temporary custody, then H will get summoned (probably by this afternoon) to appear in court in two weeks time. The police warned me it will get very ugly and very personal, that every indiscretion will be aired for public judgement. That is regrettable but not important, the only thing that matters here is doing the right thing by Baby M.
I feel sick to the pit of my stomach...and he scares me...he is aggressive and intimidating and right now, by law, he is entitled to take my daughter and not even tell me where the hell she is living.
Monday, October 23, 2006
H raised his hand to me tonight. He had every intention of hitting me. Lucky for me I come from an abusive family and I saw that blow coming a mile away.
I took Baby M to the doctor's and when I came out he was waiting outside for me. He was irrational, screaming at me. I was very very calm...told him he was upsetting Baby M, perhaps this wasn't the right time or the place.
It esculated out of hand quicker than I could blink, then it was a blur of me trying to get her in the car, him yelling at me and slamming the car door shut as I was trying to put her in the car...then he snatched her and made a bolt for his car.
I had her back in my arms in a heartbeat, where she sobbed and sobbed until her tears ran down my neck in a sticky mess..all the while H was still yelling at me. I finally got her in the car and buckled into her car seat then he took a swing at me, then as I scrambled to get into the car he wrenched the door open and continued his tirade of abuse.
I finally got the door shut and locked and drove straight to the police station where I laid a complaint against him. I have until tomorrow to decide if I want to extend that to an AVO (apprehended violence order).
Irrespective I am seeking interium full custody of Baby M until it goes to family court, which may take a while.
He scared me. This man I spent six years of my life with. The man I had a child with. The man I loved enough to marry.
I feel like I never knew him.
I am terrified for Baby M...that he will turn up at her creche and take her (legally he can)...that he will run with her. His family has money, today he threatened me with lawyers, with a custody battle...his parent's would hire the best lawyer possible for him, whereas I would be relying on legal aid...my chances of winning would be slim. He has family support, I have no family...I am a single parent with a variable income, he is on a good income which is guarenteed.
I can't think like this...but today I saw a side of him I never knew existed and now I don't know what he is capable of.
I slept for ten hours on Saturday night...then I had a two and a half hour afternoon sleep before another seven hours Sunday night.
It is that time again, when my body goes into shut down, it all becomes a bit much emotionally and it manifests physically.
Baby Mermaid and I fly out in the demonically early hours of Thursday morning. We have to be up at three am to leave for the airport by four am. I am cringing just thinking about it...lol. We go straight from the airport to pick up Holiday Girl who is already lying on a beach up there and off to the factory outlets for a day of serious shopping.
We L-O-V-E shopping!!!
We shop under the guise of 'needing' something (anything...everything...just pick a random item of clothing or an obscure event/function on the distant horizon)...but in reality we just love bargains and the thrill of bargain hunting.
Holiday Girl has taken her son away with her, he is a year younger than Baby M and we have already lined them up to get married. This will be there first interstate holiday together...I am working on a collage for the wedding invitations...lol.
I am also checking in with SS whilst I am away...very excited about that!
Only three days left of work then on that damn plane and out of here...away from H and his attitude...a break from work and everyone here and a total recharge in order.
Sun...surf...some serious eye candy and a seat at the bar at Hard Rock Cafe with my name on it - I don't think I'll come back!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
He send me this text:
"I came over today to see you but you weren't home"
I have a strict policy of no-one dropping in, working from home it became a must...it has taken a while but no-one ever comes over unannounced.
I called him back.
We had a heart wrenching conversation.
I told him everything I felt, how selfish his behaviour was...everything I wrote about in my previous post.
He apologised. Repeatedly. He took full responsibility. He kept telling me I don't deserve it... that it is a trait in his personality that he depises...how he battles with it daily.
I told him we would work on it together...that what we share was too special to merely walk away from...give up on.
He came over...he wiped the tears from my face and held me as I sobbed...he told me not to walk on eggshells around him. I told him my own emotional wellbeing and that of my daughter will always supercede him and his 'issues'...that I will not pamper his moods and will not let him treat me like this.
That we are a partnership.
So we try once again...
H's girlfriend broke up with him. She cited me as the reason. Consequently he blamed me...it has been very ugly. I ended up having to book last minute tickets to take Baby M away with me next week because the custody dispute has reared it's ugly head once again.
H: I don't want anything to do with you...you are ruining my life...I have now lost my relationship with a person I cared deeply about all because of you. You will not call or text me, no emails...nothing. When I pick up Baby M just put her out the door with her bag.
I pointed out that a degree of liasing was always going to be necessary in regards to her...but he wouldn't listen. So this morning when he picked her up he asked why she was carrying birthday presents...
MG: She has a birthday party to go to this morning and another one tomorrow afternoon...I wasn't allowed to contact you so I had to RSVP on your behalf....I am not having her miss out on this because of you.
H: But I had things planned...
MG: My point exactly...you need to be able to communicate with me H...don't let Baby M be the one who misses out on things because of your stubborness...it's only her you are hurting - not me.
He looked at with what could only really be described as loathing in his eyes.
I am close to hating him right now...and that thought makes me very ashamed of myself as a person.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
NP has issues.
They rear their heads periodically. The rest of the time everything is really good.
Last night was another one of his shut the mental/emotional door in my face. It is the third time in as many months he has done this.
And as history dictates...I do something...it is never in the context of an argument or disagreement (which is what makes this so hard, because I have yet to see it coming)...it triggers something inside him that he reacts to and he responds to this by simply getting up and walking out the door.
Last night he did it...then sat out the front of my house in his car for twenty minutes before driving off. It has been twenty four hours and I haven't heard from him.
It is his style to vanish for a couple of days, turn his phone off and not answer his door if someone knocks...then he will call, very casually and act as if nothing happened. If I ask for an explanation he just plays dumb and makes me feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing.
Drinking Buddy put it best when she termed his behaviour as "selfish". He has more or less been living at my house for six weeks now, he is a part of not just my life, but the day to day routine of Baby M and myself. He is acutely aware of how vulnerable both myself and my daughter are, how carefully I integrated him into her life and at such a delicate transitional stage.
I did this because I was reassurred he was in this for the long haul.
He is thirty nine and needs to sort himself out. You simply can not vanish for days on end, uncontactable because someone says something you don't like. But to simply go, walk out the door without a word, that is the easy way out.
And I believe if a person does that they are not looking for resolution, merely searching for an excuse to bail, because all he had to do was tell me why or at least what I had done, talk to me...yet he didn't even give me that chance.
He owes me more than that and I find it difficult to believe that he truly loves me because if he did he would know that I am sitting at home now, second guessing myself...blaming myself...wondering what I did wrong.
In reality? I did nothing wrong.
I need to be true to myself...and he needs to love me for who I am.
I lost a lot of respect for him when he walked out that door.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Another first time tonight....
New Person and Drinking Buddy met each other. It went well :) Kind of bizarre, the two separate parts of my life intertwining. But good...very good. Holistic I guess.
NP and I went for a walk around the lake today...enjoyed the early summer sun, before taking a drive up the mountain and having lunch in a little olde English style village.
This man rocks my world.
We talk...and we connect...he listens to me...yet he keeps me real.
I feel so alive.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Stubborn Streaks
Drinking Buddy and I celebrated a lazy Sunday afternoon today by going for a long horse ride through a beautiful national park, sparkling with spring sunlight streaming through the trees and the only sound you could hear was the horses hooves as they picked their way through the forest.
It was simply perfect and at that moment there was nowhere else I would have rather been than there, sharing that experience with her.
I met New Person's mother yesterday, for the first time. It was daunting, I was so nervous...as per...lol. She was lovely, it was difficult for her, she has been sick, only came out of hospital last week. She had surgery for cancer, but was kept in hospital for six weeks post surgery, and was sick for few weeks prior to going in, so that basically encompasses the entire time New Person and I have been together.
NP has been staying with her the past few days whilst his sister has been away, his Mum is still not well enough to be by herself. The space has been nice, I have been quite productive in my clearing some head space for myself...lol.
I am feeling better about myself now...I have allowed myself some time to reflect and to accept the realisation that if I let my in-laws opinion of me get to me then I am the only one who loses in this situation.
Yes what they think of me professionally does sting, especially when they are high up in my industry, but right now I must have faith in my own ability...retain my own self respect because without that I can not expect others to ever show me any respect.
It goes back to what I have always believed...everything starts from inside you.
I have weathered a few storms over the past year and a half...an affair...the break down of a marriage....so many trials and tribulations with my precious daughter...
Emotionally I feel I have had the extremes...been overwhelmed by them at times but I have come back kicking and fighting tooth and nail...and nothing is any different this time.
No-one ever beats me and I will never allow anyone to bring me down. Desire to suceed is a strong motivational force with me and I have to be honest....a deep set stubborn streak that no-one shall get the better of me...lol.
If that what it takes to pull myself out of this and rise about the pettiness of others then that is what I shall draw on.
Now I am taking my sorry (and very saddle sore) arse off to bed to wake up tomorrow and start afresh...with the beautiful daughter...with New Person...with my business and with a positive attitude and a smile on my face.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Post 302
Tonight I write for me.
I am confused...I am tired and sick of this whole situation with my in-laws...with H...even with New Person. Why must there be complications with everything? These issues sit on my mind throughout each day...they niggle at me and cause me emotional and mental unrest.
My integrity, both personally and profesionally has been challenged, things have been said on both sides that are regrettable and I am now beginning to question my ability to do my job, my skills I have built my very business around.
It hurts that people I have worked with for the duration of my business, this week it turns out their support has only ever been superficial....what has been said about me behind my back and what people have chosen to believe, god...
I know this is the industry...probably to a degree, most industries...but I have put my heart and soul into my business, it has peaked and throughed, bringing with it much financial and emotional stress and I guess now I really am realising that there is precious little loyalty to be found.
I feel like I have invested a large part of my life into something that has amounted, personally to very little when I can no longer take pride in my work ethic.
It was my choice, but this job took me away from my daughter, my husband and my friends. I worked incredibly long hours, particuarly during the first year and we strugged to pay the mortgage on one income. I never saw H, I had no time for Baby M...and the long hours took it's toll on my emotional and mental health.
But I did it...and I loved my work...and I was SO proud of my achievements.
Now, tonight, I sit here writing this and I wonder if it really was worth it.
I have always been a huge believer in the power and motivational force of self respect...now I question that too...because I have done everything right...played by the rules...upheld my beliefs and adherred to my strong work ethics and it has all come undone anyway.
And now I am living in a rental property...H's family doesn't speak to me and their opinion of me is very low. I am a single mother who stands to lose her business through the destructiveness of others and their cruel desire to gossip...I fought so hard, for so long...sometimes it feels like forever...
When do I just get to be me?
When will I wake up in the morning and not have anything sitting on my mind, worrying me? When will people stop finding me so interesting to spread rumours about?
When will people show me some damn respect...I'm not asking for accolades...merely respect for my personal life and respect for my business. That respect is best shown by staying out of my affairs.
I am seriously considering moving away from here when my lease expires. Everytime I go to the shops for milk...or fill up at the petrol station I am looking over my shoulder for my in-laws.
It is exhausting.
And my period is three days late. I am not pregnant. It is not physically possible - short of IVF anyway...but it is not helping matters.
I must finish this here and crawl into bed and pretend my life is easy right now.
I know in the grand scheme of things I have precious little to complain about...especially in light of the weeks my close friends have been living through...yet my mind is tired and tonight, after two years of struggling with this...I can't help feeling a tiny bit beaten.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
It is three weeks today until I will be away again with Holiday Girl...this time I am going for four nights and I can't wait. Then when I come back from that, it will be seven and a half weeks until I go home for Christmas.
I have been thinking a lot about home recently. I had a surprise email from an old school friend, we lost contact a couple of years ago when she moved to England to work. She wrote to tell me she had lost her father to cancer this year. That has brought my friends and my family to my mind and in my thoughts more than usual.
When you leave your country, your home, you do tend to think that things stagnate, that they stay the same as you remember them. But just as life is moving on for me, it is also moving on back home. My friends have got married, started families...people have bought houses...moved overseas. It is the age I am at, these milestones all occur.
My friend who has had cancer twice, went in for exploratory surgery this week. She will find out the results on Tuesday. She is inspirational in her optimism. Right now she is staring down the barrel of being diagnosed with breast cancer for the third time and leaving behind her childhood sweetheart of a husband and seven children. I went to visit her and she fussed over me...wanted to hear all my news, then when she eventually spoke of herself, her attitude was one of strength...her philosophy is...it is no use worrying because at this point there is nothing that can be done and what happens will happen irrespective.
I held back my tears until I got in the car to drive home. I felt selfish and weak crying when she was being so strong and so positive.
For some good news, after eighteen months of endless applications, psychologist testing, meetings with education officials, schools and creche workers, the Education Department has approved Baby Mermaid's early age entry application so she can start school next year. She missed the cut off date by twenty four days and it was a battle royal to even have her case considered, but she needs the structure and the challenge of school right now. H and I were so happy, it was nice to be united with him on something.
When we had Baby M tested by the psych last month, she was in the ninety seventh percentile, which means on an academic level she is in the top three percent of four year olds in the country and she is still operating at the level of a seven year old in many areas. I think that school will be the making of her, she is more than ready for the challenge of it all.
And I am more than ready for her to go!
Things are going well with New Person...he is still more or less living here and Baby M has adapted to that quite nicely. It has been nearly three months now...lol...my god! Who would have thought...ask me a year ago if I could have ever moved on from Q...I would have uttered a broken hearted sigh and emphatically said no...know look where I am...I am proud of my progress.
Monday, October 02, 2006
The (ex) mother-in-law strikes again.
Long story...short version. She phoned me up and ripped through me regarding her opinion of H and my custody agreement. Her accusations were ungrounded, her information incorrect to the point of making herself look stupid.
Predictably it lead to fights between H and I because he accused me of 'upsetting her'. Because he is staying with his parents right now this is very difficult.
I am so hurt.
It has been a long first week with the new custody agreement and I can really see that Baby M has made such positive progress. She is responding well to my routines, is happy, a lot more polite to me and seems to be her old self.
I was proud of both of us.
Then, to have my mother-in-law phone me and be so hurtful...her, the person who, if she truly had Baby M's best interest's at heart, would be supporting me...it was like a kick in the stomach.
I resented her so much for that.
And I resent the subsequent tension it has caused between H and I, just when things were travelling along smoothly.
When will this end? I married and had a child with H...not his family...and I certainly did not realise that this gave his parent's free reign to not only (openly) pass judgement on my life and my actions but to interfere to such an overwhelming degree, at detriment to my self confidence as a parent....will this continue forever?
Right now that woman is bringing out the worst in me.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
A Blast From The PastA blast from the not so distant past swept into my world via my mobile phone tonight.
I received a text from an unknown number, a person asking how I was.
It was Colleague. Remember him? The one who recinded my contract with his office because I wouldn't sleep with him? Yup...that one.
Next thing I know my mobile rings, it comes up as a private number so I pick up because New Person and H's numbers are both with held.
It's Colleague.
Twenty minute conversation of listening to him prattle one about himself, how great he is etc etc...before he drops into the conversation that he isn't "really that happy" with the person who took over my contract.
I respond with a polite - Oh really?
Well things have been SO busy for me...seventeen hour days, six days a week...more contracts than I can just about handle...am looking at outsourcing now...
*hehehehe*
He got the hint.
There are times when I can only shake my head and marvel at this ego driven industry within which I run my business.
With people around like Colleague as a part of my every day business life...there are times when I wonder what on earth I am doing.
Baby M has been unsettled this week...I have had her tears and clinging to my legs when I have dropped her off at creche (she has been going there since she was nine months old and that has never happened before)...making me promise (again a new thing) that she will stay at my place, that I will be the one picking her up from creche etc.
She has been alternating between very clingy and horribly misbehaving...it is draining either way. I smacked her tonight, in depseration and she smirked at me - my god, a four year old...the look she gave me clearly said "is that the best you've got".
Transition...the first few weeks will be difficult until she settles down in a routine and starts to feel secure here with me.
H phoned me to ask if he could see her tonight. I felt awful saying no...but I really felt it would completely undo all the hard work of the past few days. I hung up the phone and just felt so low.
I hope he understood.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Yesterday he told me he loves me.
I lay my head on his shoulder...wound my arms around him and smiled to myself.
For an emotionally repressed guy he seems to be doing quite well the past few days.
He loves me....he loves me...he loves me.
Last night I was exhausted...he took me to bed, tucked me and sat with me, stroking my hair until I fell asleep.
When I woke up he was there and he gave me cuddles and laughed at my morning grumpiness, sat with his arm aound me on the couch until I could string a sentence together coherantly.
Wow.
His parting comment? With a smile..."there's something for your blog"
LOL...
And it was.
Monday, September 25, 2006
It has been a topsy turvy type of week.
In amongst it all, I told him, for the first time, that I love him.
We spent all Saturday in bed. We had sex five times...it was an insatiable day of my life and one I will never forget.
All seems to be good.
He held me...softly kissed my lips and ran his fingers through my hair. I lay in his arms and I felt happy...so very happy.
He is a complicated person and I truly have little idea what the fuure holds for us. He is difficut and moody and tends to simply walk away from a situation and take no responsibility for his actions. It is frustrating.
At thirty nine he has been single for a long time and is very set in his ways. I will see where this takes us day by day...yet be firm in not compromising myself.
The new custody agreement takes effect on Tuesday. Today I met the girl H is dating and H met New Person for the first time. Both meetings went well. It was always going to be awkward. I felt sorry for H's Girl...she was so stressed about meeting me, she seems very nice though, and has a child close to Baby Mermaid in age so that is a major positive, being she understands the intricacies, restrictions and priorities that being a parent encompasses.
The house settles tomorrow, we have now met all the people factoring in Baby M's life and once the finances are sorted from the property we will be financially separated and we can just move on with our lives, in different directions and be happy.
It is hard to believe it is really over. I got a bit teary, being in the house for the last time. It wasn't that long ago I was negotiating the purchase of it and planning mine, H's and Baby M's future in it and tomorrow someone else will move in, with their dreams and memories to be created.
I have moments where I shake my head in disbelief and think my god, my marriage truly is over...that safety net is gone, the house is sold and we are both seeing other people - and my daughter comes from a broken home.
But I know deep inside I left my marriage for the right reasons and those reasons are clarified and the decision reinforced with almost every contact I have with H - we were just the wrong people for each other.
And Q? Well he is still around...working hard...we speak on the phone occasionally. He hasn't changed. He never will. He is unhappy in his marriage and refuses to make those changes necessary. But that is his decision.
I did it. He could if he really wanted to. He chooses not to.
There are green leaves appearing on the trees here, the days are getting longer and soon my seasonal work wil get busier. Life goes on.
It truly does.
It has been a topsy turvy type of week.
In amongst it all, I told him, for the first time, that I love him.
We spent all Saturday in bed. We had sex five times...it was an insatiable day of my life and one I will never forget.
All seems to be good.
He held me...softly kissed my lips and ran his fingers through my hair. I lay in his arms and I felt happy...so very happy.
He is a complicated person and I truly have little idea what the fuure holds for us. He is difficut and moody and tends to simply walk away from a situation and take no responsibility for his actions. It is frustrating.
At thirty nine he has been single for a long time and is very set in his ways. I will see where this takes us day by day...yet be firm in not compromising myself.
The new custody agreement takes effect on Tuesday. Today I met the girl H is dating and H met New Person for the first time. Both meetings went well. It was always going to be awkward. I felt sorry for H's Girl...she was so stressed about meeting me, she seems very nice though, and has a child close to Baby Mermaid in age so that is a major positive, being she understands the intricacies, restrictions and priorities that being a parent encompasses.
The house settles tomorrow, we have now met all the people factoring in Baby M's life and once the finances are sorted from the property we will be financially separated and we can just move on with our lives, in different directions and be happy.
It is hard to believe it is really over. I got a bit teary, being in the house for the last time. It wasn't that long ago I was negotiating the purchase of it and planning mine, H's and Baby M's future in it and tomorrow someone else will move in, with their dreams and memories to be created.
I have moments where I shake my head in disbelief and think my god, my marriage truly is over...that safety net is gone, the house is sold and we are both seeing other people - and my daughter comes from a broken home.
But I know deep inside I left my marriage for the right reasons and those reasons are clarified and the decision reinforced with almost every contact I have with H - we were just the wrong people for each other.
And Q? Well he is still around...working hard...we speak on the phone occasionally. He hasn't changed. He never will. He is unhappy in his marriage and refuses to make those changes necessary. But that is his decision.
I did it. He could if he really wanted to. He chooses not to.
There are green leaves appearing on the trees here, the days are getting longer and soon my seasonal work wil get busier. Life goes on.
It truly does.
Friday, September 22, 2006
My DaughterLast night H and I had the last of our meetings to negotiate custody.
After the psych assessed Baby M on Monday she concluded that her behavioural problems pretty much derived from her lack of emotional security. In a nutshell we are expecting her to cope with living between three houses (being mine, H's and her grandparents), not knowing who will be picking her up from creche or where she will be sleeping that night.
She needs security. She needs a home where she feels safe, a bedroom that has her toys and clothes in it and somewhere where if she leaves a half finished drawing on the table it will be there the next day...or more aptly - she will be there the next day to finish it.
So now I have more or less full custody or Baby M, with H having her every second weekend.
He finally admitted, after much discussion, angst and emotion, that this really was the only option. Doing the shift working job he does, he simply can not be the parent he wants to be - he can not be in two places at once.
He cried. I held him and cried too. I feel so bad for him...and to be honest I am scared of how I will cope...Baby M completely overwhelms me a lot of the time...but this is what is best for her.
My daughter is a beautiful child - everyone remarks on her looks and her eloquence. She has the enthusiasm of a child with the ability to articulate herself well beyond her years.
The conversations she has with people are very amusing, especially when they talk to her on the level of a child. She usually fixes them with a look of slight disbelief, then turns to shoot me a look that plainly says "are they for real?"...before blowing them away with a line of conversation that they just didn't see coming. It's always entertaining to watch.
A couple of weeks ago New Person was sitting on the couch with Baby M. She was so tired but wouldn't go to bed (too scared of missing something!)
NP: Baby M, you are so tired
Baby M: (interrupting) No I'm NOT! I'M NOT TIRED!!
NP: (soothingly) look at your eyes, they are very heavy.
Baby M: (stares at him like he is slightly mad)...I can't see my own eyes NP...can you see your own eyes?
Smirk.
NP: Well I can if I look in the mirror
She looked at him in what can best be described as awe, before acknowledging he had trumped her and she happily went off to bed to ponder that realisation.
Very cute.
We will see where this custody arrangement takes us...we can only try.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Oh wow....
Thank you all so much for your comments...after a coupe of weeks of posting with such a screaming silence I was starting to wonder where the love was...lol. Then today blogger played the game and all these commens randomly appeared.
And there was the love :)
You are all beautiful...thank you for your feedback, thoughts and support. This all helped put a smile back on my weary face today and for that I am grateful.
Love you all...
Mermaid Girl
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Where Is The Normality In My Life?It was going so well....too well.
Perhaps I am too cynical - maybe. Perhaps I have learnt from experience.
Last night I had a major break through with New Person. He was honest with me, we shared things and for the first time in ages I really felt like I knew where I stood with him.
Today I got the phone call to say I have lost the contract with his old office, as the direct result of our relationship being made public by my mother in law.
I held myself together rather well, especially since I am staring down the barrel of losing my business now. He was angry, blamed himself...if we weren't together then I would still have my contract etc.
I pointed out to him that every aspect of your life begins with what is inside yourself. He makes me happy and it is that personal happiness that I draw from for the energy and passion I put into my business.
However....
Late this evening we had a stupid disagreement...he got snappy with me then gave me the silent treatment - which in my own home I do not appreciate. I rationalised with him, apologised for what I had done (insignificant) and gave him some space for a while.
After forty five minutes I asked him to talk, he refused. I walked out of the room and shut the door (yes rather firmly) behind me. When I heard him pputting his shoes on I stood in front of he door and asked him to please talk to me and not just walk out.
He wouldn't look at me, told me he doesn't "need this crap". I stood there in tears and asked him again to please talk to me and not just walk out.
He shut the door in my face.
Nice touch.
There was a quote making the rounds of people's blogs a few months ago that went along the lines of "Any person that makes you cry is not worth your tears"
For the first time, I cried over him. And I was so cross with myself that I cried some more.
I told him he was being mean, that I didn't deserve the silent treatment, that I was standing here asking him to please talk and not just walk out...I guess it was easier for him to just bail. He has done this before...and I referred to that with "are you just going to vanish again for another three days like last time?"
His reply?
"Maybe"
That was awful.
Urgh...I am so drained...all I want is normality...is that too much to ask for?
Saturday, September 16, 2006
After New Person resigned from his job, he came over to my place and never really left again. It was amusing. This week was my custody week with Baby M though so he had to remember where lived and pay a visit there once again...lol.
I gave myself the day off work yesterday and we hung out, just talked etc. It was nice. As I gathered my house keys and bag to go and pick up some stuff from the shops he came smoothly across the room and literally picked me up...
He carried me into the bedroom and lay me gently down and whispered in my ear the offer of a massage.
And the afternoon unfolded to reveal the thrill of skin on skin...the slipperiness of baby oil on our naked bodies as we writhed around on the bed. He used toys on me...I trusted him...and it came naturally.
We spent hours in bed and by the time I realised I had precious little time to get dressed and pick up Drinking Buddy for the start of our Friday Night Omni Bender - I had the flushed and somewhat glowing look about me of someone who has just been fucked silly.
I am still smiling...albeit through my hungeover haze. DB and I just don't have the same tolerance for Omni as we used to - last night's effort was only four bottles and I feel decidedly worse for wear!
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Falling...I am falling in love...
Is that possible after only two or so months?
Perhaps.
Yesterday he took me out to lunch then we went into the city. There, in amongst the thousands of people we quite literally bumped into a guy we both used to work with.
Just as well we were already outed, as such, because that would have done it...lol.
New Person dated a girl he worked with for two years and not one person knew. They went out everywhere together, as we do, and over the course of that two year period they never saw anyone they knew and were never seen by anyone.
Two year relationship vs two months of dating and everywhere we go now we see people we both know. And in a city too...*wry smile*. You have to laugh.
Yesterday he held my hand...he wrapped his body around mine to keep me warm in the city chill and as we wandered down an eclectic little laneway overflowing with funky cafe's and fashionable shops, he suddenly grabbed me, held me close to him and kissed me with such passion that the butterflies when crazy in my stomach.
And then I started the delicious descent into losing my heart to this man.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
UnravellingYesterday afternoon my mother in law took it upon herself to tell New Person's boss we were seeing each other.
How she knew is beyond me, why she would do something so mean is also beyond me as she is not a mean person (just naive) and her point blank refusal to even see my point of view is frustrating me beyond belief.
NP and I chose to keep out relationship a secret (in terms of work) for a range of reasons, the crux being that his boss is volatile and reactive, NP and I worked together (until last Friday when he resigned) and my contract with his office is only a verbal one and worth up to seventy five percent of my income (yes very dicey).
The boss has a vendetta against NP, which in part was why he ended up resigning, but boss is still out to hurt him in any way possible and if he knew we were seeing each other it was very feasible that I could simply get caught up in the mess as collateral damage and lose my contract.
This we knew and understood, thus taking the preventative measure of not letting anyone at work know about us.
Until yesterday...it was a bit of a bloodbath, Holiday Girl (who works in that office) got caught in the cross fire and could potentially be in an awkward situation because she told me boss knew...phone calls flying everywhere...me screaming down the phone at mother in law...her telling me I was over reacting...it went on and only got uglier.
But at the end of the day what it came down to for me, was that she was told not to tell anyone I was dating someone (we all work in the same industry) and she completely disrespected my request, believed she knew better than me and told the one person whom we wanted to not know.
She told me I was over reacting...I told her she had done an unbelievable amount of damage...that NP and I had made a judgement call based around what was best for US and it wasn't her place to believe she knew better.
I was hysterical...it is difficult to adequately explain here what truly was at stake without giving too many details about NP...and I think his privacy has been invaded enough already in the past twenty four hours.
God help that woman if I bump into her in the street...I am seething with rage...all I want is for her to get the hell out of my life, leave me alone, stop interfering, stop minding my business, stop phoning people...just let me live my life.
Is that too much to ask?
So now I sit and wait...my gut feeling is the boss will dismiss me on a pretext of something flimsy
and that will be it. If I lose that contract my business will go under...very very quickly.
I feel like I am living on borrowed time right now and it is a sickening feeling.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
CustodyFathers Day 2006
I invited H over for breakfast since I had Baby M, I went all out on a fabulous creation of pancakes, fresh fruit, bacon and eggs etc.
He could barely string a sentence together to even be civil to me. I resented it and the effort I put in. It is not that we do these things for recognition but I certainly didn't expect rude indifference.
And I bothered why exactly?
But it is over for another year...thank god.
We are negotiating a new custody agreement that would involve week about's with a fixed day each week respectively. I am sick of being so restricted by H's shift work - it is his choice to work a job that involves shiftwork and I was restricted enough by his alternating hours when we were married, I have just woken up to the fact that it actually doesn't have to effect me to the same degree now we are separated.
I wouldn't expect him to change his life to suit the demands of my business and the unpredictable hours involved in that.
It would mean huge changes for him if that happened though, a lot of babysitters and Baby M spending a significant amount of time at her grandparent's house, and knowing their (rather low) opinion of me as a parent, I'm a bit hesitant about that.
But where does the control end? I can keep her on a short leash as such and consequently not give myself any time out, then burn out and have nothing to take back into parenting or I can hand her over to H and trust his judgment as a parent.
To be honest the thought of having her for six days straight more or less terrifies me. We are at loggerheads after a few minutes in the same room together, by the end of the weekend away in the country I was ready to strangle her with the mere sight of her made me cross.
Sigh....
But I rationalise that then I will have more structure to my life, I will be able to plan things, have real weekends, maybe structure my working hours a bit better without the uncertainty if H will have to work overtime and I will be required to drop all my work and pick Baby M up from creche at a moment's notice.
All of that would be gone, as would the constant liaising with H on a daily basis in regards to her, familiarity definately breeds contempt on that particular front...lol.
The nature of H's work, in it's regular restrictiveness, means that every fortnight at the end of his roster he won't find out until Thursday or Friday what his shifts are for that weekend. I usually work six days a week and Saturday can be very busy for me, as you can imagine, every fortnight ends in a fight because I need to know when I am having Baby M because I have people wanting to book me in for weekend work.
These clients don't take it too well when I have to kept telling them I'lll get back to them. Understandable so.
So to see the end of all of that would be great...less stress...less dealing with H and much more structure.
The negotiations continue...lol
Monday, August 28, 2006
Smashing Barriers
I had a moment tonight...yes another...but this one, quite literally, took my breath away.
I was lying on a bean bag, next to New Person and I looked at him and caught his glance and for the longest moment I was captivated, lost in his stare. For the ever so cynical me, it was quite amazing.
He asked me what I was staring at, I told him he was beautiful. And that he is.
I am floating along right now in such a good place, so level, so comfortable. He challenges me intellectually and mentally, he makes my world a safe and a happy place when he holds me and when we have sex there is something inside of me that just lets go.
It is so reassuring to know that life can be like this.
My house sold after three days on the market. A bit of closure for H and I. One last barrier to overcome now then I can properly move on. But that will come.
Thank you to all of those who have been emailing me and leaving comments again...it is nice to be back.
And for my beautiful Olliest...I have FREAKIN missed you! We never seem to be on g-chat at the same time...but I am always thinking about you darling girl...time to get your arse over here yet?
Smooches....
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Closest Thing To Crazy...
Holiday Girl and I are escaping away to the country tomorrow...unfortunately we have to take Baby M and Baby Holiday, but never fear, the doting grandmother is near and has been roped into babysitting duties for the lovelies whilst HG and I enjoy the delights of Omni and a healthy dose of good old country air.
I went to see Brother I Adore this afternoon, it was all going well until (Ex)Girlfriend came home...god that girl can not stand even the mere sight of me. She was so deliberately rude and horrid to me and to Baby M that in the end I just left. BIA was nothing short of humiliated. God I can't stand her, seeing how she treats him, like he is so worthless, it makes me so sad.
BIA professes he is happy, that there will be no DNA test done...that this is his lot in life and he will step up to the challenge of parenthood (whether it be his child or not).
Sigh. BFS. Enough said.
After six weeks of seeing New Person I finally slept with him. It was nice, comforting I guess. It takes me a long long time to trust a person, let alone trust them sexually so I know what we share now is merely a beginning.
I saw Q-Boy in a work context this week. As per, my heart skipped that beat with his name on it. Lol...I don't think that will ever go away, but it is so much more manageable now - which is a relief.
I have had a couple of moments this week where I have felt that knife edge is getting a bit closer, then it has subsided. I am learning to control those moments more now.
Bring on a weekend away from the craziness that is my life right now...
Friday, August 18, 2006
Spring
I laid my head back on the couch and looked slowly at him. He looked cute with his hat on, younger than his years. He is eleven years older than me.
MG: Do you have any idea just how much I care about you?
The smile flashed across his face before he could help himself, then he replaced it quickly with a quizzical look, before claiming an imaginary distraction and vanishing into the kitchen.
I like this guy. A lot.
I just feel so balanced, the highs and the lows are gone, with him comes a sense of contentment and a feeling of balance. I know where I stand with him , he isn't hot one moment and cold the next. He answers my phone calls and was there for me when I called him in tears at midnight, when everything when belly-up with Colleague, he is patient with me and understanding without compromising himself, I respect him for that.
Q-Boy...well he left his job this week...I am not sure how much contact I will have with him now. There is a possibility of further work with his new office, but that if he chooses for it to be so, the ball is in his court with that one.
It is nearly spring here, I have been soothing my soul by taking flower photographs...it aways works.
Holiday Girl and I are heading back to where the weather is warm, the beaches are beautiful and the Omni makes us smile....couple that with the presence of our fabulous SS and the funness is almost overwhelming...lol. October seems so far away!
Despite the craziness of life right I actually feel more at peace within myself than I have in a long time.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Holidays Happy Snaps
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www.wickedweasel.com.au
My first Havaiana's
My girls weekend away (plus the incomparable presence of Super Slut!)...so very many firsts...lol.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Our StoryThis is the story of Mermaid Girl and her Q-Boy...as I will remember it when I am much older...
I never truly knew what it was like to fall in love. I thought I knew, but I had no idea.
Now I know.
I also now know what it is like to love a person and not be with them. To have your heart broken, yet you keep going back for more...to crave the touch of a person so acutely that each passing moment you are apart from them seems an eternity.
I was twenty six...he was thirty two. We were both married...had young children.
We fought the attraction, yet it consumed us, with each painful, excrutiating break up, the only possible thing that could keep me going was to have him back in my life. Back in the capacity I knew him so well in.
As my lover...as my friend...as my confidante and as the one person whom I felt truly understood me.
He gave me so much, the chemisty between us was intense, the attraction electric.
I would stand in the same room as him and literally everyone else would vanish and all I could hear was the beating of my heart as we looked at each other.
Sixteen months of our lives...the tears and the heartache...the laughter and the exhilirating highs that I never wanted to come down from.
It was incomprehendable to me that in this lifetime we were not meant to be together...I fought that truth with such ferocity. I worked around every obstacle, I justified every questionable decision that took me away from my husband and straight into his arms.
There is a point though and it is one that wise friends told me about. Blinded by my feelings for him and my belief that he was my one and only, I could not see it...I actually simply did not think that the concept applied to me.
Yet it did.
The truth is so often a crushing realisation...it is sharp and brutal in it's starkness.
As I watched my tears fall to floor and as I heard my breath catch painfully in my throat, yet again...I questioned why...why I should have even met him if we were not meant to be together...I desperately sought logic, but as it goes, there is little be found.
Perhaps logic is merely our ability to justify our mistakes.
But now, the luxury of distance has enabled me to finally grasp that impartialness that has numbed the pain, removed it's sharp edge.
I now see our affair for what it was - merely an affair. I understand that there will be another person out there for me, a person who will give me what I deserve and not make me settle for crumbs and rely on the intensity of the attraction to fill in the gaps.
But I did love him, and a part of me always will. The changes that I lived through whilst we were together were huge and so many of them happened because he gave me the courage to be who I truly am. And I liked that person I found, she had been lost for a very long time.
I do not regret having this affair, I could never regret sharing this time period of my life with such an amazing person, it has finished because it had reached it's natural end, we couldn't take it any further without him leaving his marriage - and that he would not do.
Although he will not give me what I want and what I deserve, he has showed me that I am a person worthy of respect, of affection and that what I say is worth listening to. I feel in some ways he gave me my life back, existing in a marriage devoid of love, affection and even the most basic of interaction, had stripped me of all of that.
I stil think about him constantly, I speak to him each day, we see each other less and less. Perhaps it is easier for him that way.
Although the intensity is fading, the feelings will always remain, I loved this man, with all of my heart, through so much....I hope I will never lose that.
And that is what I shall think about when I am old...and I shall smile with the memories, locked away in a private place within my head, taken out sometimes to be reflected on, then put away again for another rainy day.
Thank you Q-Boy. I love you.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
No point in talking what you should have been
And regretting the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds look at the bigger picture
Delta Goodrem
Born To Try
I have had a horrid couple of weeks. I got into a compromising situation with Colleague and consequently when I turned him down I lost my contract with his office over it.
I am upset but I only have myself to blame, I made a bad judgement call and I broke my rule of not mixing business and pleasure, with the outcome being probably the worst case scenario. But as it goes, live and learn...sigh. I work in an industry absolutely dominated by ego's - most of them male and Colleague's big fat ego took one heck of a bruising when I turned him down for sex.
But onwards and upwards and now I am looking for another contract to fill the gap his has left. I am very unimpressed with his lack of professionalism, he couldn't even give me the courtesy of a phone call, he had his administration manager fire me via email. I feel very sorry for her.
Moving on...
New Person has been around a bit and has been very supportive which has been appreciated.
This week I have quite literally resurfaced after what has been a depressing month, I have been catching up with friends and have missed so much of what is happening in their lives. I feel guilty.
My friend who is a cancer survivor (twice) is going in for surgery again in the next couple of weeks, the doctors suspect the cancer has come back for the third time. People do not survive cancer three times. She has seven children, the youngest is only a toddler. I can not think to much about it or I will start crying and not stop.
Good Friend whose mother is dying of cancer has slumped back into a depressive rut, she looked shocking when I dropped in. I arranged a doctor's appointment for her and called her husband to come home from work. She will probably get worse before she gets better.
H has agreed to not contest me for custody of Baby M, after his suicide threats he said he will take me to court and get sole custody of her and if I fought him then he would take her and vanish.
I took them both out to dinner last night, away from the house, away from the tension etc and we just talked.
The house will go on the market in the next few weeks after I finish up some odds and ends with it. At least then his financial issues will be alleviated and I will get my money that is tied up in it.
I will get through this, I am a strong person, I am good at my job and even though I struggle with parenting, Baby M is a happy and balanced child.
The first thought on my mind when I woke up this morning? I am the only person who can change my life and I am the one in control of my destiny.
Let's do this!
And regretting the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds look at the bigger picture
Delta Goodrem
Born To Try
I have had a horrid couple of weeks. I got into a compromising situation with Colleague and consequently when I turned him down I lost my contract with his office over it.
I am upset but I only have myself to blame, I made a bad judgement call and I broke my rule of not mixing business and pleasure, with the outcome being probably the worst case scenario. But as it goes, live and learn...sigh. I work in an industry absolutely dominated by ego's - most of them male and Colleague's big fat ego took one heck of a bruising when I turned him down for sex.
But onwards and upwards and now I am looking for another contract to fill the gap his has left. I am very unimpressed with his lack of professionalism, he couldn't even give me the courtesy of a phone call, he had his administration manager fire me via email. I feel very sorry for her.
Moving on...
New Person has been around a bit and has been very supportive which has been appreciated.
This week I have quite literally resurfaced after what has been a depressing month, I have been catching up with friends and have missed so much of what is happening in their lives. I feel guilty.
My friend who is a cancer survivor (twice) is going in for surgery again in the next couple of weeks, the doctors suspect the cancer has come back for the third time. People do not survive cancer three times. She has seven children, the youngest is only a toddler. I can not think to much about it or I will start crying and not stop.
Good Friend whose mother is dying of cancer has slumped back into a depressive rut, she looked shocking when I dropped in. I arranged a doctor's appointment for her and called her husband to come home from work. She will probably get worse before she gets better.
H has agreed to not contest me for custody of Baby M, after his suicide threats he said he will take me to court and get sole custody of her and if I fought him then he would take her and vanish.
I took them both out to dinner last night, away from the house, away from the tension etc and we just talked.
The house will go on the market in the next few weeks after I finish up some odds and ends with it. At least then his financial issues will be alleviated and I will get my money that is tied up in it.
I will get through this, I am a strong person, I am good at my job and even though I struggle with parenting, Baby M is a happy and balanced child.
The first thought on my mind when I woke up this morning? I am the only person who can change my life and I am the one in control of my destiny.
Let's do this!
Monday, July 31, 2006
MomentsLife is made up of moments. This is one of them.
A friend said this to me tonight, in a context of something that was, on the surface quite innocent, but underneath, very defining.
He was right.
After H broke his hand, we had another fight a week or so later. This took place in the sanctuary of my home, this time he threw the nearest thing at me, thankfully it was only a beanbag.
I told him we were finished and threw him out of my house.
We have fought endlessly since then.
He wants me to be unhappy and finally I am taking a stand and refusing to be guilt tripped by him into being miserable.
I have a close friend, with whom it may eventually develop into something more, H knows this, he is so jealous. His trick is to wait until I am with New Person, then call and be demanding or miserable until I feel guilty enough to leave New Person , to go and be with H - only to be attacked from the second I walk through the door until I eventually leave in tears.
So complicated.
H threatened suicide tonight if I left him. It was heartbreaking. To see him like this, resorting to this...god, where the hell did we go wrong.
I blinked and my life arrived at this trainwreck.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Girls weekends are SO much fun!!!
And as for our fabulous SS...(you know who you are)...well you absolutely made it as fabulous as it was - and thank you from both of us for that.
We sat there at work this afternoon recounting stories of things you did and said and we both laughed so hard we were crying - yet again...lol.
Thanks for being the medicine we needed right now, for being so brave as to take two crazy chicks out with you...and to manage to keep them in line enough to get them home again in one piece...thanks for playing photographer (my fav is still the cleavage shot on my phone btw!)...for Hard Rocking with us (I think they should have sold you the drum kit!)...for letting me be your first (I'm talking about Omni here)...for entertaining not just us but the two taxi drivers (who were both the best taxi drivers we have EVER had...smirk - except for that taxi driver with the red bikini...but I digress)...for being silly enough to swim through that freezing freakin pool just so I HAD to do it as well...and for just being yourself.
It is official SS...you have made it into the hall of Fabulousness - well done and oh so earned!
*smooches*
We are already planning October...may it be bigger and better than before - more Omni...more shopping for Havaianas (I still want a red pair)...perhaps we could find that elusive green top (she SO should have just ripped it off that girls back...there was enough girl on girl action happening on that dance floor for her to have an appreciative audience - plus the taxi driver volunteered to drive her home...LOL)...much more Baskin Robbins and Boost juice...and another zippy little car for us to pose on when the grand finale comes around.
Wish we were there already - the countdown has begun!
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
What's Left Of Me
Watch my life,
Pass me by,
In the rear view mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes
Yeah...
[Chorus]
Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be:
But you can have what's left of me
I've been dying inside,
Little by little,
No where to go,
But going out of my mind
In endless circles,
Running from my self until,
You gave me a reason for standing still
[Chorus]
It's falling faster,
Barely breathing,
Give me something,
To believe in
Tell me: It's not all in my head
Take what's left
Of this man
Make me whole
Once again
[Chorus]
I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just running in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
Just running in circles in my mind
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
Watch my life,
Pass me by,
In the rear view mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes
Yeah...
[Chorus]
Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be:
But you can have what's left of me
I've been dying inside,
Little by little,
No where to go,
But going out of my mind
In endless circles,
Running from my self until,
You gave me a reason for standing still
[Chorus]
It's falling faster,
Barely breathing,
Give me something,
To believe in
Tell me: It's not all in my head
Take what's left
Of this man
Make me whole
Once again
[Chorus]
I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just running in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
Just running in circles in my mind
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
You remarked to me today that I seemed to be moving on from you so quickly...and from my heart, through my lips, my response was this...
I want you, I love you...it's so simple. Every day, for as long as I am alive I will love you and that will never change. We both made decisions, choices and now we must live this life we have chosen.
I will never stop loving you.
We were never the solution for each other's problems you know...we tried to be, and we wanted to be - this I do not doubt; however sometimes, no matter how badly you want something, it simply is not meant to be.
It would be so easy to keep falling back into each other's arms, I miss you every single day, but we both know that in the long term it would only ever be detrimental, because a quick fix to satisfy the craving is only ever a bandaid solution....and thus the need intensifies.
Never doubt that I love you, Q Boy...because I know that all I feel is mirrored in your heart, so just take a look inside yourself and you will find the answers to your questions.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
I am so tired. SO tired...lol.
For the first time in too long I gave myself a weekend. I had work to do, as always, but I prioritised it and made an effort to have some me time and some fun time.
I stayed at Colleague's place on Thursday night, a fabulous bottle of red wine and lots of talking work....Friday night another work colleague took me out to dinner, then we went drinking afterwards...I was the most drunk I have been in a long time...lol....last night was the Omni reunion with Drinking Buddy. You know it was a good night when you wake up the next morning craving the greasies, so I began my Sunday with the weekends papers and Eggs Benedict with juice.
I need sleep...a lot more sleep...lol.
In four days time I will be interstate where the weather is warm, the shopping is fabulous and a change of scene is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Can't wait!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
TempersI have just returned from a trip to the emergency department with H.
We had yet another fight, he ended the conversation by throwing his mobile phone against the wall and smashing it.
We resumed the argument on the home phone, he ended that chapter of it by smashing the home phone with his fist.
I knew what he had done, so I had to wake up Baby M, put her in the car in the pouring rain and drive to his house. Another arguments follows before I snap, bundle him in the car and drive the three of us to the hospital.
I left him there feeling like an arse.
Christ...he needs help. He isn't coping, he can not communicate his feelings and he has reached breaking point. I have found counsellers for him, have told him I will support him but ultimately it is him that needs to make the first independent step, I can not push him into seeking help, I can not make him talk and I can not solve his problems.
This must all come from him, beginning with the actual desire for change. He knows he needs help, which is a start, but now begins the difficult part.
Sigh...
I am going interstate next week for a long weekend, with a friend. We are have a girls weekend, absolving ourselves of the responsibility of being parents, of work etc and having some serious fun. We are both seriously hanging out for this break.
My tickets to go home for Christmas are all booked, it seems a lifetime away still...god I am so excited though.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Live And Learn And Prepare To Be HumbledI had this moment of clarity tonight, as one does, brought about by the death of a friend's parent.
He needs to go home to England for his father's funeral but cannot leave his family. His wife is my close friend whom has had cancer twice in the past year, recently underwent emergency surgery and had a stroke whilst under anaesthetic. They have seven children, five of which are under the age of six.
My heart hurts for him tonight, I know what it is like to be so far from your family, from your home. The ache that distance brings is intensified where family is involved.
These friends of mine always humble me, I never hear them complain, never say a bad word about another person and they never ever ask for anything. Yet they have so little, in material possesions, and even less in a financial sense.
When she was diagnosed with secondary cancer he had to stop working to be her full time carer. The youngest was three months old at the time and she has never been able to lift her up for a cuddle spontaneously, she missed out on most of the first year of the baby's life through hospital admissions and endless rounds of chemotherapy. She missed another child's first day at school, and the school prizegiving where her little boy won all the sports awards...I took her to school integration for Baby Mermaid and her daughter - she collapsed and left in an ambulance.
Yet she always has a smile on her face and is never too busy to sit down with a cup of tea and listen to you. Family and friends are her world.
Being around her puts my life into perspective so greatly.
I put so much effort into my affair with Q, into my relationship with him. The constant analysis, always willing to work on every little detail to make 'us' work.
I didn't pay my marriage that same courtesy. Perhaps I should of and the outcome may have been different.
Live and learn.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
ManifestationSlipping and sliding...ducking and weaving...reaching for the stars and falling on my arse...as it goes.
Yet I keep trying...in all aspects of my life.
I had a bad weekend emotionally...lots and lots of hot angry tears...yelling - I surprised myself at the degree of frustration I was experiencing.
Q copped a bit of abuse...H bore the brunt of it.
It's water off a ducks back with H...Q takes it more to heart. I ended up just feeling like crap that I had hurt Q and more frustration at H for not seeming to care.
That sickening feeling of emptiness is prevailing right now, I have times when I feel I am good for nothing. No-one wants a relationship with me...sex, yes...of course...but my needs? Totally don't feature on anyone's priority list. It hurts and then some.
It is quite soul destroying to believe that you matter to no-one in the capacity you want to matter to them...I constantly question myself...why am I not good enough for anyone to want a relationship with me? Why am I only good enough for people to fuck?
Kind of difficult to have a whole heap of self esteem happening when the people who matter most to you, only want a part of you - and that is the part that provides them with the most gratification.
Why does no-one fall in love with me as a person? Want all of me - holistic me? Why doesn't someone turn around and say to me - "I don't know what I'd do without you in my life MG - I value your friendship so much"...quite simply it doesn't happen.
Sometimes I wonder if I ever really grew up or if those hideous childish insecurities that were formed during the years grotesquely labelled my childhood, are doomed to manifest inside me forever.
Friday, June 30, 2006
A Funny StoryI get a phone call from Biological Father tonight...he had been phoning throughout the day, leaving cryptic messages...very unusual as he was supposed to be safely tucked away on the border of some war torn country doing god only knows with various high profile (for all the wrong reasons) people.
Anyway...
He phones for the fourth time and I finally pick up...this was his story.
Brief Recap:
Mail Order Bride from the jungle...doesn't speak English (at all) and is younger than me. The international language of sex conquers all...marriage then she pops out a baby. It's a boy...great joy all round, he holds the baby...then boards a plane back to his work country.
Cut to now...three months or so later...he flies back into the jungle country to see Mail Order Bride and Baby Boy
As part of 'taking responsibility as a parent' (novel idea with him - he was terrible at it with me)...he changes Baby Boy's nappy.
Something is wrong...very very wrong.
Baby Boy is in fact Baby Girl.
Kinda hard to get that wrong you'd think.
Drama's follow...oh to have been a fly on the wall of the jungle shack that particular day...lmao.
It transpired that when Baby was born, Mail Order Bride's family had convinced her that Biological Father would only accept the baby if it was a boy...so she, under their persuasion told him it was a boy.
Ummm...kinda hard to keep that a secret forever don't you think?
It made me marvel at the simplicity of her culture, their mindset - how they are incapable of seeing beyond the here and now.
What a stupid woman...BF loved her enough to marry her, to have a baby with her and she thinks he will leave her because of the child's gender? And she believes that theory so firmly that she LIES to him about it?? And a lie that was living on borrowed time any which way you look at it.
Good god....
She makes me look normal.
H: I just wish you weren't so insecure, why can't you just be happy? Why do you have to have such huge needs?
MG: I am SO sick of you thinking I am a pathetic person (H), it is really unfair. A emotional need is just that - a need...just because you don't have that same need does not make me 'pathetic' or 'insecure'...you tell me I should be enjoying this time etc...well I have been, I have been going out, doing things I have wanted to do for a long time, meeting new people etc...you are the one who has been sitting at home. Don't judge me and don't label me, you are putting me into a box because of one aspect of me that you don't understand, you don't feel comfortable with, so you focus completely on that attribute and use it as sole basis of your judgment of me. It is really unfair and unneccessary. I have freakin needs (H)...although we are moving along ok, very slowly, my needs don't just disppear, I can't put them on ice until you feel you love me all over again, therefore want to touch me, hold me, simply be with me.
Yet he doesn't understand it...and once again I am beginning to feel empty and unloved...like I am worthless and I question why anyone would want to be in a relationship with me, when my own Husband can't even muster up enough feelings for me to give me a hug without it being too painful and distasteful for him.
I don't know if this will ever change...and if it does, what emotional damage am I doing to myself in the interium?
He left my house this morning, after this exchange, I opened the door for him and shut it behind him without a word. Really there was nothing left to say.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
BreatheI can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face
And I've never been this swept away
All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart
CHORUS:
Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
And suddenly i'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby, all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch
Slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's suppose to be
I can feel you breathe
In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
Closer than I've ever felt before
And I know, and you know
There's no need for words right now
CHORUS:
I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way...
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face
And I've never been this swept away
All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart
CHORUS:
Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
And suddenly i'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby, all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch
Slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's suppose to be
I can feel you breathe
In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
Closer than I've ever felt before
And I know, and you know
There's no need for words right now
CHORUS:
I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way...
Breathe
Faith Hill
You know....
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Things are slowy progressing with H...I went around to his place for dinner last night and just hung out with him for hours. I ended up staying...he still won't touch me, and I am beginning to ache to be touched...it is getting difficult. Some moments the self doubt creeps back in and rears it's ugly head to mock me.
But I shall persevere...giving this a go is worth it. I just need to stay strong and remain objective. Counselling is a godsend right now.
Colleague phoned me today, flirting...testing the waters to see if he was still in with a chance...lol...what a player. I realised something about him today, he is actually insecure, he hides behind his ego and a front of false bravado...this afternoon, I saw straight through that, it was quite an interesting realisation...and as awful as it sounds, made me feel quite strong.
I have a work committment with Colleague this week, it will be interesting to see if he is edgy around me, he is in quite a position of power, to the point whereby if he chooses he could terminate my contrac